How to live with and love the stranger he's become

Hi AAMM it's a great big shock initially. You thinking his mother should have told you, him begging his mother not to tell you. She maybe thought you knew, didn't want to interfere etc. It's all irrelevant, today this is where you are. I personally think it's good he confessed. You can set some ground rules. You should safeguard your finances, no bail outs. He can sort debt via stepchange. He can find a GA meeting, you can find gamanon (for friends and family). My husband chooses not to have any access to money. Cash with receipt for simple things. The moods are connected to the gambling. It is an emotional illness. Their every waking moment will be filled with thoughts of gambling. He can block himself online too. The most important thing to learn is he has to want to stop. You can't do that for him, you can only look after yourself. I often talk about a third person, that's what it's like, a completely different person emerges when they are gambling. Call gamcare and talk to someone. Look after you, change your behaviour and you will see a change in his. Talk to his mother, don't blame her, he is the gambler, he has manipulated both of you. Get some support.

Thank you for your reply merry go round... Your right it is a massive shock and we are in the process of changing everything around so I handle all finances... He says he's on board with everything.. But in the back of my mind I can't help but think .. What if this is another lie? .. What if he hasn't told me the whole truth? .. Has he ran up debts that he hasn't confessed yet? ... What if he doesn't actually want to stop gambling?... The trust has gone and I guess only time will tell... I just don't that if my heart can take another lie... I've checked and there are no GA meeting in our area closest is an hours+ drive down the motorway and we both work during those hours ... Will contact gamcare again to see if I can get anymore help for nyself... As I do feel helpless .. Must admit though reading through the fourms helps ... I'm not as alone as I feel right now.... Thanks again for your reply

Hi AAMM there is a gamanon website with info. There maybe other meetings nearer, alanon or coda. They are all helpful for partners of addicts. Just chatting on here is beneficial too. You will have good and bad days. Ask questions etc. Others will come along and offer support too. Read around the forum. Learn about addiction.

Hi

Sorry to see this. It's rubbish when we find out what's been going on behind our backs.

The quick answer about trust is don't. It's absolutely fine not to and if he has an ounce of self awareness he will appreciate why. You're making arrangements to handle all the finances which is exactly the right thing to do. You also need to see his credit reports from all three agencies and maintain access to them regularly. Use Noddle (Equifax),Clearscore (Equifax) and access Experian free through MSE credit club. These will show you any undisclosed borrowing and any secret bank accounts.

You can't stop him gambling if he's determined to but it's all too easy to get consumed with worry about it. Ring fence the finances and leave the problem of preventing that first bet where it belongs - with him (easier said than done, I know). Read up on the addiction,learn what you're up against and what you can do to protect yourself and your sanity. Don't be too understanding. It leaves you open to lies and manipulation. He can get his support and understanding from GA. If he's serious about recovery he can find the time to attend a group the same place he found the time to gamble.

Lethe
Thank you for your reply and the very useful advice about credit reports didn't even cross my mind... I just hope he is serious... And your right if he really wants recovery he will do it ... Thanks again.

Hi AAMM

Sorry you are facing this. I am a compuslive gambler and have been for over twenty years. the lengths we go to, the excuses we create, stories we tell are staggering, I don't trust myself so as Lethe says, it is absolutely fine and sensible for you to not trust a word he says, its all about the actions and actual not just the words.

I have always minimised, always, check the credit reports and set up the alerts to you going forward, make sure whatever device those alerts go to and not accessible to him. We - in the midst of massive debt - spent £25 on a mini safe, I wrote down access to all accounts, as cross referenced on the credit files, email password, phone passwords etc etc and they all got put in the safe, a number lock combination that only my wife knows, the keys that override it are somewhere at my in-laws house

I've phoned my counsellor when my wife has been in the room, OK I have left for the middle part of my calls (I haven't wanted to censor what I've talked about with the counsellor) but I did want my wife to hear that I was speaking to someone, not just telling her that I had

I've owned my mistakes, I always felt like having plenty of reasons/ excuses but ultimately I made the choice to gamble, every time. I have spent years being desperate, feeling like there is no other option (other than suicide) when in reality there always has been another option, i just chose not to make that decision. The only thing I've asked my wife to not ask me is about specific figures, i.e. what's the most I gambled in a single spin/ single bet - and that is purely to protect her - if she really wants to know then I would tell her, I feel it's more her right to know than mine not to say but I still have sleepless nights thinking about what I did and the numbers involved but it's actually about my behaviour, my thought processes and my addiciton.

That aisde I have answered every question, I have admitted to every lie and deflection that I can recall and I have been respectful of her space. I have wanted and needed reassurance, I wanted praise for my approach to my latest recovery attempt. I have had none. Its still early days in comparison to my gambling but i'm approaching 600 days gamble free now and that is total abstinance, not even raffle's or T*****a's.

I wish you well with whatever you do going forward but you deserve full respect, total honestly and transparency, protect yourself above all else and if he has chosen to tackle this once and for all, he will understand, accept and concentrate on being the best version of himself that he can be.

I'm trying to do that myself and I still hope it's enough for our marriage and family unit to survive.... but I have a long way to go yet

best wishes

Hi AAMM

I'm pretty new to all this as well but I have found some support from this forum. I work full time and my nearest gamanon meeting is miles away. I have spoken to someone on here who arranged for me to get some face to face counselling, it starts this Wednesday. I'm about three weeks in to finding out about my husbands CG. We still havent spoken about figues but its over £44k.

So, how do I do it? I try to just get from one day to the next. I am kind to myself, none of this is my problem but I have to llive with the consequenses. The money and the sole managment is hard. I am learning. I log on to this forum every few days (I can't quite manage daily). I have confided in a couple of close friends.

I won't give advice as I don't feel I can. But, read posts and see what other people do to cope. See if you can get some counselling or some kind of support. Find out about money and how to protect yourself financially (That's a hard one and I'm still learning). Don't blame yourself or your mother-in-law; it's not her fault.

It can be very frustrating when family members don’t understand the depth of the problem (and therefore don’t co-operate with carefully made plans).

My mother-in-law used to constantly send money to my brother-in-law, who has been a CG for over 10 years, even after his wife told her never to do it. This perpetuated his gambling and undermined all of his wife’s attempts at gaining control of their finances.

Eventually their marriage ended, and now he lives on his own, which means there is literally nobody to manage his finances.

Despite earning more than £1k every week as a builder, he (of course) never has any money and is asking for loans every week. His parents usually send him it, saying “oh he’s not gambling anymore, he’s promised us”

No matter how many times it’s explained that it doesn’t just stop, and where do you think £1,000 a week is going, it just doesn’t compute.

I’ve told them that if he asks for money she should transfer it directly to the bookies to save time.

Sometimes people will just believe what they want to believe.

As s wife of someone who has gambled I would say never trust completely, my OH had to own up to gambling two weeks before the due date of our first child, my parents had to bail us out that time, needless to say I find out for the 4th time 3 weeks ago he has done it again, it wouldn’t have been such A blow had we of not just completed a £100k extension to our house, they mean well and I truly believe they want to change but I will never get over the lies and deceit that I have had to endure over the last 10 years, I will never trust again but what you need to ask yourself is can you support him and attempt to move on, difficult I know I am still struggling, it’s weird but as a partner of a CG I say to my husband it’s like me cheating and getting caught and then doing it 4 Xs over, irs an addiction I appreciate that but the lies and deceit are so difficult to overcome, I would have done anything for my husband 3 weeks ago I had his back and stuck up for him when People doubted if he had gambled, now I feel like a fool!!

Go go with your gut only be can prove whether he is serous or not, and that’s not for two weeks or a month he’s forever, a very big ask but warranted if you ask me!

Hi all,

I am new to this forum.

My partner and I had been together for 6 years and he helped raise my 2 children. When I met him I knew he placed bets on football matches, which was not a big deal to me. Usually twenty quid or so. He changed jobs from monthly pay to weekly pay and he seemed to manage better on weekly and did not borrow from me like when he used to get paid monthly.
He always gave me money towards the bills and would pay me back any money he borrowed from me from the previous month.
He once stolen £500 from my savings pan, but automatically repaid it when I realised. I forgave him.
About 3 months ago i started to notice a change in his behaviour. His pay reverted to monthly, started asking me to borrow him £50 now and then, always on his phone looking at bets, then started watching race horses. Turn over the TV when kids watching to see the outcome of a bet. Running out to the bookie shop few times a day when off from work. Being preoccupied with his phone to check the bets and having all these betting slips.
He was usually so mild mannered then he became agitated if I made any mention of his behaviour change. Dismissing me, not talking to me, ignoring me. Refusing to discuss anything.

I came home a month ago and he took all his belongings and left.
My question is, I have read stories on here about people losing thousands of pounds, getting into debt, unable to pay things off, but with my partner who has been gambling for excess of 15 years, the fact he has not put us into any debt, does anyone think he/ others can maintain gambling at an affordable cost or is it more than likely that it will become a downhill spiral without help?

Hi Belford

There are several red flags there. Stealing, borrowing, and emotional distance are all classic behaviours in a gambling addict as is anger when we dare to question them. Packing up and moving out may be his way of getting you off his back so he can gamble in peace.

You can't be sure he hasn't run up any debt without access to his credit reports. Lying and non-disclosure of the full facts go hand in hand with the behaviours above.

If he does prove to be an addict he's the only one who can change things and arrest the addiction and there's a lot of advice help out there which can help him do it. It's not possible for an addict to gamble in a controlled manner for long if at all.

Prioritise yourself and your interests. Make sure he can't access your finances and don't agree to bail him out. It's fine to give yourself time to see if he's committed to stopping before making any final decisions.

Thank you for your response Lethe.

It makes sense to me that he has moved out to get away so that he can gamble in peace without me being on his back. But I am in doubt about the level of his addiction. I really love him and he knows that I do and he does me. We continue to see each other. I just need to understand (as this is all new to me) whether his gambling is within his control or is it out of control. He has always paid his way when living with me, always paid me back what he owes me when he borrows amount. He keeps down a job (had the same one for 10 years) never late or takes time off. He has no credit cards (as he is black listed, from years before meeting me) I also remember that he told me he had a pay day loan, he never paid it back as they could not trace him at an address where he was staying.

My only concern now is that it all makes sense as to why he used his ex-girlfriend address for his car insurance as he said it would be cheaper insuring it in that area. I have since found out that bailiffs have arrived at her house for unpaid parking fines.

I just want to know if it is best to get of of the relationship whilst I can as I dont want to be dragged down with him. He is a man that aways refuses to talk about anything that he feels uncomfortable with and he would rather die than admit he had a problem and seek help for it.

Your reponses will be much appreciated

Hi again

CG's are very secretive about their habit. Very often we don't know how out of control things are until their situation becomes unsustainable and they are forced to admit there's a problem. Even then there can be lies, ommissions and half truths if they are not ready to quit .

Mr L paid every bill while still racking up immense secret debt. It's just not possible for us to know what's going on without full finacial transparency from them. Even then there can be debt with family and friends that doesn't show anywhere official.

No-one can decide for you but there are plenty of indications this man isn't as wonderful as he portrays himself. He's already stolen from you and left his ex-girlfriend to pick up the pieces of his deceit as well as being rude and dismissive to you.It might be worth considering why you're prepared to put up with this kind of behaviour. You can't fix him, save him or even help him unless he wants to be helped. Think about what you want need and deserve from a partner.

Hi alarm bells are ringing when you say bailiffs arrived at his ex girlfriend's address! Using her address when he lives with you? Now he's left you. Compulsive gambling is progressive, debts and bets get bigger, mood and behaviour worse, complete withdrawal from relationships. Can someone hold down a job and gamble? Yes if they're not compulsive. Has he got anything to show for 10 years in the same job? We cannot tell you to continue this relationship but we can tell you that living with a compulsive gambler is hell. He's not acknowledging the problem. He thinks nothing of getting others involved in his non payment of normal things, how is that affordable gambling? As Lethe says make sure you're protected, credit reports and safeguard finances. Is his name on any household bills? Is his post coming to your house? I'd open everything if it is.