I had no idea :-(

Hey I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through.I as a gambler who has recently confessed all to my parents and partner can only suggest she attends a gamblers annoymous meeting I have so far been to two and they are brilliant I really was sceptical at first thinking how can just talking to other gamblers help but it really does.also she should contact ure internet provider on mobile and home internet an try and block gambling sites.try to download k9 on to ure computer and her phone and u set the password.its free and very easy to set up.hope this helps.nina

Thanks. I've spent the last hour looking over this website and I may be underestimating the scale of her problem. The sums of money we're talking about really are crippling. Years and years of debt. We can manage that together but I can't stop her from making it worse.

Hi Noat, you can stop her to some extent by removing her access to money but the harsh reality of it all is that she is the only one that can stop this destruction! You need to protect yourself financially as best you can because as you may have read, we are a manipulative bunch! This will mean you need access to her credit file & all accounts! Saying she is finished off the back of a huge loss is not uncommon but recovery is a lifetime commitment & although she means it now, the addiction is very powerful!

I would urge you to give Gamcare a call! You are hurting right now & they provide assistance to loved ones that you may find invaluable!

Be strong - ODAAT

Hi Noat

I am also a partner of a CG. So I know exactly how you feel. You are right that you can't stop her but you can really limit further damage. Do a credit check and keep checking it, only give her small amounts of cash,keep all the bank cards etc. The thing is they are adults and if they want to find a way they will but if she has no access to credit she will find it difficult. I now have the account we use to pay our bills solely in my name so my husband can no longer access it.

We are also up to our eyeballs in debt, which will take years to clear. I also had no idea. I was lied to over and over again. Talking to close friends, being on here and counselling through gam care have all helped me. Lots of other partners have found gam anon really helpful too. I really feel for you. I think the fact she told you is really positive, shows she wants to stop and that is vital. I wish her well in her recovery and make sure you get support too.

I love mr Pangolin completely, more than ever, i trust him with my life, my childrens lives, i trust him with everything but not the bank cards.

The idea that you need total unconditional trust in a relationship is a cultural myth, If you can come to a gam anon meeting its something we talk about alot. I too thought that our relationship was doomed if i couldnt trust mr P financially, but its actually happier and easier if we dont put that expectation on either of us. i manage the finances totally, this is not humiliating or demeaning for mr P because i dont do it in a humiliating or demeaning way. if we go to the pub, he has cash to buy rounds, but he has no access to the bank accounts.

its just logistics, protect everything from her addiction, including herself, you're doing her a favour.

then you can deal with the emotional betrayal and lies and start again.

i have a success story, it can be done, but i needed to talk it through with a gam anon meeting, i still do it, think about going to one or getting counselling, obviously your not the one who has done something wrong here, but this is not a normal situation and some extra tools are needed for the rebuilding from this

keep talking

Thanks for all of the advice. I rang her mum this morning and told her what was going on- I can't face this alone. My wife begged for me to keep it a secret but that seems like a bad idea. Do you have to pay to run a credit check? It's something that I'll have to look in to I guess. I'll also get on the gambler blocking software. She claims that she's closed all of her accounts- I have never used them so I wouldn't know if this was true.

Secrecy fuels the addiction so what you have done may seem a bit harsh but it's nothing to the distress she has caused & as you say, you need support too! Right now, looking after you is a priority, any strength you have left can go to supporting her but this will need to be on your terms!

She may well have closed all her accounts but opening up new ones are simple & there are hundreds of online facilities! If she is intent on beating this, she should be chuffed you are helping with the blockers not nervous about you closing the doors for her!

A credit report costs £2...Spend it, you need to be sure it's all out in the open!

Be strong, you can get through this - ODAAT

K9 installed on her laptop. She has a work ipad that she gambles on. She claims I can't install K9 on it as it will mess up her work stuff. Tried to put it on her phone too but that didn't work either.

The dreaded work computer eh...You'd think companies would have blockers like this as a matter of course! To be fair, if she has access to that 24/7, there's no point stressing about blocking the other devices! Looks like she may need to downgrade her bank account though!

I can feel how desperate you are but try & stay calm for you as once again on the Friends & Family section, it is the loved ones putting in all the effort!

Look after you - ODAAT

as a gambler who has completely destroyed her family with this horrible addiction can i firstly say well done fpr getting here and looking for ways to help. i owned up[ to my family with half truths and promises a long time ago but begged them to keep my secret...and it made things worse. you did the right thing in telling her mum and although she will feel panicky and depressed about the whole thing its the only way to help. if this is the first time shes admitted the problem, then theres a good chance that shes not even ready to stop. i hate to say it, but i think its more likely shes panicked at the financial mess rather than a strong need to realise her addiction. if u cant limit internet access, you need to make sure she doesnt have a debit card or prepaid card to deposit from. you need to make sure she never has spare cash. its a heartbreaking addiction and it needs to be treat with an understanding that she hasnt meant or set out to hurt you. no doubt she loves you very much and this wasnt caused by anything u have done. having said all that, i strongly believe as a gambler that there is a reason this started and she needs to find that reason and address is. im making major changes in my life which are essential for any form of recovery. i wish u both well and please continue to love her. she isnt a bad person x

the situation you have been put in is not her secret, she cant make demands about it, it is your situation and you handle it the way you want with support from the people you want support from.

this was something mr P was very worried about, but again we have found confronting the fear and telling people what has happened is actually a relief for everyone concerned.

you're the sane one in this relationship at the moment, you make the decisions

She's put us 7 full months of salary into debt, but keeps insisting that she doesn't have a problem. No gambling for 2 days, says she feels no urge to gamble, she was simply chasing her losses after some early considerable wins. I don't think that she really understands the magnitude of what she's done. She knows that I'm reeling and has answered every question I've asked. At the back of my mind there's a voice telling me I can't trust a word that she says. She's the mother of my children and I love her more than anyone could know but quite frankly I don't want to be in the house. We live a distance from family and have no support network which I'm sure has contributed to her problem, but I have nowhere to go. Is it naive to believe her when she has literally never gambled in her.life before the last few months? I'm trying to act normal for the kids but inside I'm a mess. I keep praying it's just a mistake and we'll pay the debt off and we can go on like before.

Hi again noat

have you spoken to gam care? I think talking this through would really help you. I remember that feeling of shock and disbelief - my husband lived a lie for years behind my back! You need to some support in this to work out a way forward.

I haven't- I guess I'm waiting to see how things develop.