I had no idea :-(

she cant spend that kind of money in such a short space of time and deny its a problem. she may feel at this moment like shes in control but then shes not realising the extent of her problem. yes, it probably all started for us with a good win. it then followed with many losses...and then we began chasing. but at that moment, our brains changed gears and we became uncontrollable. she probably feels like shes telling te truth, but give the opportunity and i promise u she will do it again. she will justify that she wanted to make amends and put the money back, when infact she will just make it worse. if she was to win, she would play it back eventually and more and start again. put your foot down now. make her read these forums. make her get counselling or attend ga and most of all remove her finances and dont allow her any opportunity x

Hi Mr. Unaware

As the other spouses on here will tell you ... You can trust them with lots of things but NOT with the money! You are in a state of shock right now. Your whole world has been turned upside down so give yourself some time. Put as many barriers in place in regards to the money so that your wife has limited access.

Right now you need as much help as your wife. You need support from people who have been through the same thing. If you have a Gam Anon in your area you could get the support you need to help you through this insanity known as compulsive gambling!

Unfortunately there is no quick fix from this and it is not going to go away overnight. It will be a LOT of hardwork for both of you so right now you need to get yourself some support and knowledge of this addiction so you can deal with it from a position of strength.

Try to remember to look after yourself as that is the only person you can control! Cliche I know but so very true.

Thanks everyone. We've made some forward progress but the thing that concerns me is that she can get a new credit card any time she wants and use it to gamble online. I can't believe that this is legal to be honest. I'm assuming that I have all of the existing cards and once the ins and outs have settled i'll have control of the current finances. The worrying thing is that there is no real way that I can help to stop this from happening again.
I hope that I'm not being nieve but I am trusting my wife to be honest with me. So far she's answered anything I've asked and she's trying hard to make amends. I and her mother think that this situation is a one off. Only time will tell I guess.

sorry to be harsh, but this is highly unlikely to be a one off, there will be incidents in the past you havent been told about, there is every chance it will happen again if you are not in control of the finances for theses crucial first few months.

Whats she doing about attending ga or getting counselling? she has to save herself for this recovery to work

i have a success story, it can be done, take heart, but all the time i was the one doing the rescuing, he kept going back to gambling, its only when he confronted his problem himself that we started to get better.

she has to want to give up, compulsive gamblers are usually compulsive liars too, they have to confront the whole problem, but you know her well enough, you can see if this is just a defeat and shes licking her wounds before going back to her old ways, or if she is working on being someone new and preparing for a different life ahead.

keep talking

For help, she's on this site. I know she's been involved in the chat but I don't think she has called the helpline. I haven't either. She's totally committed to not gambling right now and to my knowledge has never gambled in the past or displayed any addictive tendencies. She doesn't appear to fit the profile of a gambler at all. I'm 100% certain that if she relapses then I will leave her and I will take the kids with me. I told her I'd leave her if she came to me with a 100k win and I mean it too. With regards to the finance there are still bills going out and winnings coming in. I'm offering her the opportunity to be honest with me- we have to start rebuilding trust and moving on. She's investing her time in the house and has even started a little holiday fund from various craft activities - she's aware that we can't go on holiday now and is determined to put that right.

The site & a chat are a great start but please don't let her hoodwink you into thinking she is cured! I am a woman in my 40's with a penchant for the bookies (caffeine aside, I don't drink & I have never even considered smoking let alone drugs)...I very much doubt if I fit the 'profile' of a gambler but I can very much assure you that I am one! As are the hundreds of others on this site, different shapes & sizes, from many walks of life some that may fit, some that won't, all with similar destructive stories to tell about how difficult it is to stay in recovery! No-one that takes out 3 credit cards & maxes out an overdraft can escape the fact that they have a problem but she can recover!

I know I'm sounding very negative when it's possibly not what you want right now but please, just be on your guard! As the other loved ones here can attest, you absolutely can rebuild the trust but don't give it away!

Look after you - ODAAT

i know we are saying some things you probably dont want to hear, i dont want to scare you away from the site, i want to be some ongoing support for you, this gambling problem is immensely complex when you first encounter it and your intuitions lead you on all sorts of wild goose chases. What we say on here comes, for some of us, from years of talking to gamblers and their loved ones, we arent judging or condeming and of the gamblers or their loved ones, we are trying to save everyone some heartache and help them feel they are not alone, we have just seen all this so often that we do tend to get straight to the point.

some points;

There is no profile for a gambler, the gambling addiction consumes people from both sexes, all races, all religions, any age.

If your wife gambles again, it is not because she doesnt care if you leave, or she doesnt love you and the kids, its because she is an addict, she cant help it, this is why we recommend getting as much help as possible as soon as possible, the help wont harm, take it all.

Gambling is not a moral issue, we arent condemning the gambler, it is an illness, an objective stance is needed to help a gambler, they are ill, addicted and what they do to satisfy the addiction has no effect on and is unaffected by their feelings for their loved ones, there are no choices, they just act.

GA mmetings for the gamblers, gam anon meetings for the loved ones, these two things have saved so many relationships, dont underestimate how powerful their effect is, theyre worldwide and been going for decades, they work.

recovery is possible, but both of you need a new persoective on life and how you manage your domestic arrangements, because what you had so far has brought you here, dont wish the problem away (it will keep reoccurring), dont make ultimatums (ultimatums cant stop addiction), take a deep breath and change direction, the past is gone, make the future a safer one.

keep talking (thats the most important one)

brilliant post pangolin. i wish my partner could see things from your perspective. you are one in a million x

Thankyou. Give your partner time, we will never know how you feel (unless we experince addiction for ourselves), but we can understand the big picture if we all keep talking and sharing our experiences, gamblers included.

Well done to you for how far you have come too, this talking things through works doesnt it.

talking definately does work and seeing other peoples recovery and perspective does too. its sadly to late for me and my partner. i got he keys for my new house today. he can never forgive me and has punished me every day for it. gambling was the initial cause but we both have way to many issues to be together x

sorry to hear that, fear can make people very hurtful sometimes.

well keep going with faith in yourself and your recovery, just as we tell the partners here that they cant do their gamblers recovery for them, you cant do your ex's recovery for him either, keep going with what you're doing, it is always reassuring for me to hear about other gamblers and their recovery progressing well.