I hate the person I have become

Hi Orchid

I understand your pain and hatred..100% ..

A lot of posts talk about the anger and behavioural changes of the CG but very little is given over to how it also makes us into people we don't like.

I've made it my business on this forum to detail exactly how it changes people on the receiving end and to be honest Orchid this whole experience has changed me irreversibly in many ways.

Its a living hell ..anger at the forced hand of the situation and then trying to make it work again when you're still angry and your hearts not in it.

The anger has to come out Orchid, when I got on this site one thing I didn't expect was after a good year is I ended up bitter and angry again when I read about people quitting and getting recovery and lives back in the pink again.

I was angry if they didn't recover and angry if they did!

Fortunately I worked through that as at one point I was extremely bitter.

At least you are not sitting or squashing down those feelings..you are not a machine that can be switched on and off,

Your husband now has to take this on the chin I'm afraid. To expect any more form you is a big ask and he should count his lucky stars you are even entertaining the idea of Relate.

I think it's a good idea that you go for individual counselling and also Relate as you will have your own needs that may need to talk about as you are a person in your own right , not just in relation to your marriage.

Keep posting and getting your feelings out

R and D xx

Hi Orchid,

I could never understand the extent of how much this affected partners of compulsive gamblers until I had stopped for a considerable amount of time myself. After five gamble-free years, it is difficult to read and my heart goes out to you.

I was deceitful, dishonest, argumentative, temperamental, emotional, anxious and wrecked by constant worry. When I stopped, I was none of those things and haven’t come anywhere near it ever since; what I see now is that it is a very different road for partners of compulsive gamblers, one where there often isn’t a road back from.

I was lucky in some ways. I lost two partners but I never allowed them to get close enough to the situation - I borrowed, I drew them in; they wanted more but I couldn’t commit until I was sure I had come through this. Looking back, I am so pleased that I did it, even though it cost me two wonderful relationships - they have both moved on to have secure, happy lives and I couldn’t be happier for them.

You desperately need space my friend - your living circumstances are beyond un-healthy at this moment in time. Things are undoubtedly getting on top of you and my best advice would be to deal with each thing as it happens, and spend as little time around your husband as humanly possible - easier said than done as you are under the same roof but it may be an idea for you to move out for the time being, or completely ignore him.

Eleven years is an astonishingly long time to cover something up - I do feel for him because I know the kind of mental torment and anguish that you experience; he must have gone to hell and back at times. No-one ever thinks they will develop a life-changing problem when they start playing; most people can have a small bet and walk away, win or lose; he discovered that he can’t control it - it sounds like I am making excuses but it is clear that he didn’t do enough to either be honest with you, or admit to himself what was going on.

There is no question that you have every right to feel the way you do, but, and I mean this enormously respectfully, having an affair was an extreme way of seeking comfort my friend - I feel that there wasn’t anything in it and part of you wanted to get back at him. It isn’t my place judge you for it - you come across as a kind, decent person, but what I am saying is that I feel it was hugely out of character and that two wrongs don’t make a right.

So this leads us to where we are now. There are three paths available to you at the moment my friend - 1) You leave each other and get a divorce 2) You bumble along in an unhappy marriage where the arguing is likely to continue, and you drift farther apart 3) You both draw a line under what has happened - the gambling, the affair, the heartache, everything; you agree that there can only be complete and absolute honesty between you from now on without exception, and if that fails again, then you truly don’t have a future.

Space and time apart will give you a lot of insight as to whether you want to choose option 1), 2), or 3) my friend - one month is probably not enough to truly gauge how you feel. This is something that needs to be sorted as a priority, whether you leave for the time being or he does. Either way, I hope and pray that you both find a healthy and happy way forward my friend, whether that be together or not.

JamesP

Hi,

I would like to add my own thoughts on this.

I am recently remarried. I was with my previous wife for 11 years, the last 5 of which we were married for, but it also coincided with me becoming addicted to gambling.

Although i would never admit to it at the time, the gambling had got the better of me, and in effect had stolen the part of me she loved, the personality, the friendship we shared, TIME, happiness, shared hobbies all lost to me being pre-occupied with whatever racing was on. We had our seperate accounts and whilst my gambing didnt effect us financialy, i gradualy withdrew from anything that would limit my funds for gambling.

Very bravely, one day she confronted me and told me she was leaving as she couldnt cope with living with me anymore, and despite the numerous times she had wanted to chat i didnt have time to listen to the warnings.

I've read it on these pages before the suggestion that you post your partner a hand written letter with all the feelings and frustrations written down. If i had reaceived that maybe i would have listened.

Even despite me getting a divorce, i still continued to gamble,but that all stopped before i remarried recently and luckily i have managed to stay free from betting for 12 weeks this wednesday and have no intention of ever jeapordising my future life..

I was totaly blind to the hurt, anguish, confusion & neglect that resulted from my gambling, and just ignorned my ex wife's feelings just to pursue my addiction.

I can 100% say i never meant to hurt her, but it took me and i was lost in my own world. Its easy to look back and recognise how badly you acted and how your actions personaly effected others, I am truely sorry and have told her so but that doesnt change the fact that i wrecked what had and she was left to start again.

I agree with what someone else put. The anger has to come out its part of healing. Unfortunately I was too young years go when the anger started to come out to realize that. I stopped going to gamanon meetings and stuffed it all inside. Now many years later I'm mad, livid, ready to blow a gasket every time my mother calls me because she's relapsed. Last weekend I yelled at her, shouted and screamed at the top of my lungs. It didn't even phase her. I'm not even sure she cares. At least in my situation it's my mother, I don't live with her so i can shut it out some days. Go for a drive and scream as loud as you can - your throat might hurt when you are done but it gives some release.

First of all, I just want to say thank you for your kinds words. I haven't responded for a while as I was hoping that time would heal and that I'd be able to come back and say something more positive / constructive. I'm afraid that that's not the case; in fact, I think I am at my lowest.

The thing is, it's not even like my husband has been out and gambled! As far as I am aware, he hasn't done so for a few months now. But, while people have said to me "what's the issue? He's not gambling now" expecting everything to be 'back to normal', I am just really struggling with what feels like the 'trail of destruction' that has been left behind.

Here I am, 38, no house of my own and no children. Both of which I'm afraid I 'blame' my husband for. That £100k that went down the slot machines sure has h*** would have helped to buy a house! And it looks like my time to have any children is probably going to pass me by now too. Even if he is now 'clean', would I want to risk buying a house / having a family with someone that hid his addiction from me for so long?

The other night he went to GA and I asked him how it went. He told me that there was a guy there who is now also addicted to s*x with P*********s. He described in some detail what this guy got up to (laughing while he told me), and it just made me sick. I know I shouldn't say this (and I am quite wary having recently read the the other thread on here), but I don't want my husband 'associating' with people like that! I am a well educated person with a good job and sometimes I just wonder how I ended up in this position, with a husband mixing with the likes of those people!! Of course I know hat's the exception rather than the rule and I am not judging all CGs the same....

Today, we were meant to be going to friends for a gathering. I simply couldn't face it, having to go and put on a act, pretending everything is fine when we both know it's far from it. Instead, I couldn't face getting out of bed til 2pm. We are living under the same roof, but leading very much separate lives. I think I have become completely and utterly emotionally detatched from him.

I know that all of this is a bit of a stream of consciousness rather than any well thought out message, or a burning question that I would like an answer to. I'm also aware that it probably sounds like I am just feeling sorry for myself - I know that there are people out there in a worse position than me. I guess I just needed to share how I am feeling and maybe hear back that what I am feeling is to be expected to some degree.

Thanks for listening x

Hi Orchid ,

No need to reply as coming away from the forum but I can identify a lot with what you say there for the guy at GA addicted to P*********s.

I realised that the ex was always going to be a chaser of highs or risky behaviour in some shape of form as his dual obsession was that he wanted a swingers lifestyle.

When I left the first thing I did was to be tested for STDs and HIV as in the end my only question was not "have you been gambling? " as it was way past that and more "have you put my physical health at risk?" ..

When I look back now I was putting myself at risk in many ways . I also felt unclean and like you have come from a good home and am educated and have standards.

I also wondered how I had descended down Into this underworld and even had this type of conversation in my life.

As you say not everyone is the same but I think the ex was someone who needed to be I the action at all times and was bored with normal life. I think I got off lightly.

My friends marriage collapsed recently also due to her hubby living a double life when she was pregnant which put her unborn child at risk.

I guess all fleshpots are close relatives of each other in a " s*x ,drugs and rock and roll "type way ..

All the best to you.....

Hi Ex Doormat - I can see how that resonated with you, and I am sorry that you had to experience that. I can't imagine it... I'm also sorry that you're leaving the forum as I always thought you talked a lot of sense when I read other threads but, if you do read this, I hope that you are leaving for the right reasons (i.e. that you've found happiness and moved on).

Leedsv - As you suggested (and I have been thinking of doing this for a while now), I have just finished writing a letter to my husband explaining how his addiction has affected me / our marriage. It was actually quite a therapeutic process. I will be giving it to him next week some time. I'm not expecting an apology from him; I know he's sorry and would turn back time if he could, but I hope it helps him to understand how I feel and maybe why I have been behaving in the way I have since he told me.

Thanks Orchid xxx

I'm weaning off the forum and not positing on my own diary as I did .

Sort of reached the end of the line and now want to put this whole insane experience behind me.

I'm still going to be motoring down the codep recovery line as it really is about focussing 100% on me now to make sure I don't attract this pattern in again.

The common denominator in failed relationships has been me and I'm now I know why that is...in a nutshell Ive been too soft.

This last trip on the insane merrygo round has changed me personally for good. I'm a lot harder and know today that it is not my responsibility to make other people better or help them change.

It's up to them...

My time is too precious to be wasting on people who I care more about than they do themselves. If I'm angry now at the time I wasted then I would have been livid at myself had it been 20 or so years more ...

Keep strong Orchid

Xxxxx