I just ended my relationship with fiance I am so torn

It breaks my heart to see this happening and Im sorry this has happened to you. This may work out for the best and be the wake up call he needs. You need to put yourself first before anything and that is coming from a gambler. if you do reconsider your options, you need to be firm. Putting things in place such as gambling blocks on computers and mobiles (net nanny is a good one and can be used for iphones) access to his mobile banking so you can see what he is spending. You should keep control of his bank account that his money is paid into and open a new one (barclays do a cash only card) and transfer money in to his new account for basics he needs. Finally there is a number you can ring to self exclude from as many bookies as you can find, and a national self exclusion for casinos called the sense program. I speak from experiance with all this and my girlfriend has did all this so i dont get tempted. I go to GA also which i can truthfully say i love going to so if you do give him a chance he needs to go back.

Good luck.

Hi Cinders, welcome to the forum 🙂

Being a CG, I can't pretend to understand how hard this is for you but I can imagine & for what it's worth, I think you are completely doing the right thing as well as being incredibly strong! It may sound cold to you but it's self preservation & when your loved ones are unable to support & protect you like he should be doing, then you have to protect yourself! Life with a CG is terrible & not following through with ultimatums gives 'us' a green light to keep hurting 'you' over & over again.

If it's over, you may not feel the need to get support from a gambling group like GamAnon but having been hurt by addiction twice now, maybe the counselling service offered by GamCare could help you process your pain? I am sure some of the other loved ones who definitely understand will be along in the morning.

Hold your head high & try & look after you - ODAAT

Thank you Brummyboy and OODAT.

I just don't know whether past experience has made me walk away to quick. I spent 5 years trying to help an alcoholic before I gave up and left and 10 years on he's still the same.

It's so hard walking away from my fiance, he was supposed to be moving in with me and my teenagers next month he seemed to feel once he lived with me I control all the money problem solved. I mean could it just be that simple? He didn't seem to understand why I am hurt by what he's doing his words it's my money I am only harming myself!
And he's scared of going back to GA again after doing so.well.before.
I don't want to be an enabler but if I pick up the pieces and we go forward am I just setting us up for this happening again and again? Especially after I had said I am gone if he did it again, if I don't stick to that now don't I become part of the problem?

I am so worried for him right now, he has nothing and I've walked away. I want so much to help him but I just don't know if I can.

I'm hoping you know the answer to him moving in, you controlling the money, could it be that simple? No, it can't I'm afraid! Especially if he's still refusing to accept that him gambling away 'his money' has no consequences on his loved ones. You helped bail him out before & he didn't stop gambling, or stick to what I assume was the conditions of you supporting him & has let you down again & again with what appears no remorse? I have to also question what he considers to be 'doing so well' with regards to GA too. If he only started 6 months ago yet relapsed 6 weeks ago, that makes 4 1/2 months gamble free but from what you explain, during that time @ some point, he had no access to money. No money = no gamble so how long was he actually gamble free by choice?

It's not my place to s**g him off, or tell you what to do but I grew up with an alcoholic & a gambler...I'm now a tee total CG. Whilst I still point blank refuse to accept that my childhood had any bearing on my addiction, I have accepted that people who know better think otherwise. Plus, it's incredibly painful watching my mum refusing to accept she has a problem. An active CG is not a good role model for teenagers & you need to put you & them first.

Down the line if he gets & maintains the support he will need to move forwards then you can reconsider but don't make any rash decisions. Get yourself any support you feel you could benefit from. You aren't walking away to hurt him, you are doing it to protect you & your family who are not old enough to make the choices he is able to. You didn't make him gamble...It's not you that needs to pick up the pieces, nor your guilt to carry. Only he can do this & he has to want to.

It's late, hopefully you will be able to get some sleep & I imagine some of the other friends & family will be along soon with more personal advice, people who are walking in your shoes - ODAAT

I know full well everyone in GA will be glad he is back. There is nothing to be ashamed of. From a personal experiance i feel gutted when i see someone slip up because it can take a while to get back up. If he does move in with you, you have to take control on the money without question, if he doesnt like it then he knows where the door is. Even changing his wages to be paid in your account and you transfer him whatever he needs would be a massive help. But at the end of the day you look after yourself and your family first. Im 22, i shouldnt be living like this and neither should anyone. But i know with support from my girlfriend the future is looking very bright.

Good luck

And get some sleep! Everything always looks better in the morning. My reason for being up is im currently on a night shift! Good way to think about everything thats happened. 40 days so far and many more to come. I really hope the same for you and your family.

Cinders wrote: He didn't seem to understand why I am hurt by what he's doing his words it's my money I am only harming myself! And he's scared of going back to GA again after doing so.well.before.

Hi there and welcome. I've quoted a part of your most recent post - he doesn't understand why you are hurt and he says he is only harming himself. The truth for a CG is their actions hurt so many more people especially those closest to us. Unfortunately for him he can't see that at the minute. I echo the sentiments regarding GA, they will happily have him back but his pride may be getting in the way.

Fair play to you for sticking by him for so long but I think you know already he needs to want to change himself - nobody can do it for him. He needs to put in the work and do the necessary things i.e. blockers, GA, working on his defects of character etc etc but it all starts with his desire (or lack of) to address his addiction. You need to look after yourself first and foremost which I'm sure you will find difficult as you no doubt still have feelings for him. If he really wants to change his actions will show this, if not then your decision to break it off will have been confirmed.

All the best

OODAT I really appreciate what you said I spent a long time alone after the alcoholic not only to heal myself but to save the kids from my obvious disastrous choice in men. But you are right in what you pointed out he had control back of his money for only 2 months bet free during that time.
My CG was supposed to be different on.the surface a hard working man throwing all the hours in work he seemed so perfect, only after a while I found no matter how many hours he worked he still had no money at the end of the month, he blamed old debts he was clearing its only apparent now that it's been a habit he's feeding. I feel stupid for believing in him. And I know I shouldn't but I feel guilty for what he's doing to himself, I should be more something so he doesn't need to?
He did say he was sorry but he looked more sorry for himself than sorry for anything else.
The first time he couldn't wait to go GA now there seems no fight in him for anything?
Thanks for your advice Brummyboy if things change drastically and he did move in I will definitely put those things in place I hope he goes back the meetings he seemed to look forward to them before just wish he had stuck at them.
Thank you Sam I guess the best apology is changed behavior? I just need to stay strong I think stick to going through with this and hope he comes out fighting to change, and if he doesn't you are right shows I've made the right choice

Thank you. I really do appreciate the comments. It's easy for people I know who have no experiences of this to say it's the right thing but reading the comments from you guys who have been on both sides means so much and makes me feel I've done the right thing even though it's the hardest thing.
I guess now I step back concentrate on myself and kids and just hope that he sorts himself out in the end.

Hi Cinders,

I have just logged onto this website looking for some support in a similar situation. I think we know what we need to do, but it's not so easy to just do that when your heart is involved.

I guess I've recently been looking for someone to say something to make me feel better, or some solution other than breaking away, but the truth is I know what has to happen.

I don't meant to hijack your thread! I suppose I'm just trying to say that I know exactly how you feel and I guess it helps to know that you aren't alone.

Sending you lots of love and strength. It's an awful situation to find yourself in, but as people have said, you have to look out for yourself.

Hi Shel1990

Hope you are ok?

It is an awful situation to be in I hope you find the strength whatever you decide to do.

It's so hard when you love someone to walk away from them. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. It's been a full week since I did it and I am still in turmoil over how he is and how he's coping and I can't help but hope this will be the final straw for him and he starts his journey to recovery and some how comes back to me.

But I know with my past experience of an addict I don't have it in me to face a lifetime of battles and worry over something I cant control.

I really found reading these forums not just this thread so helpful, to read about this from both sides. It's helping me to stop blaming myself. The posts have also given me an insight into what life would be like if I stayed with him, think it might help you to read as many of them as you can to.

At the moment I am putting my kids and myself first.

We aren't alone Shel1990 there are so many people out there effected by this it's shocking. Take care x

Thank you Cinders. I think it does help hearing others going through similar things so that we don't feel so alone. Although, to contradict that, I've actually I've not felt like reading about gambling etc since I posted that message as my mind is just done with thinking about it. Not surprising really after all the energy I spent in the past trying to help my partner (but of course that was never really going to help).

I suppose I know now that the focus is on me to be strong and get my life together regardless of what my partner is doing. I can see that that seems to be the resounding messages of advice being given to those affected by others' gambling.

How are things with you now Cinders?