Hi Everyone
My last post was all very positive and things are still generally going well, although some days aren't so good. My son did come home and he is a differnent young man, quiet and polite but still seems ill at ease. He is definetly making progress but its baby steps and some days its like walking on egg shells and his moods do tend to fluctate and I can tell when hes having a good or bad day so still feel a bit uncomfortable talking to him about some things.
This week he gave me his phone and bank card and has no way of gambling that I know of, hes trying hard to keep himself busy so all positive, however there are some things that need discussing. He has a lot of debt and so far hes ignored it all, his debt managent plan was defaulted on almost straight away and now at least 2 of the 10 companies he owes money to are starting court proceedings next Monday. Some of the companies say they are sending debt collection agencies to our door and its only time before they all do the same. In fairness to them all they have really tried, given him every opportunity to put things right but hes still ignoring all of it.
My counsellor and his are both away on holiday for several weeks so Im at a loss what to do, I know Ive had to learn to talk to him differently and cant just say "you must do" it has to be "what are your plans for " or "what do you think about " and it does help but what do I do when he still refuses to talk about it.
I worry that pushing him too hard is going to cause a set back when I can see he's struggling but this cant be ignored, do I speak to him now or just leave it and see what happens.
Any advice would be really appreciated
Hi as67
Like all of us, there are times in our lives where we need advice. There is absolutely nothing wrong in you discussing your sons' situation with him. The main point that needs to get across to him is that his financial obligations are not going to disappear. He can't just ignore them. They have a right to there money, and an explanation of when / if monies are going to be repaid. The alternative to talking to the finance companies is to front the courts. The finance companies don't want to do this, but they will if they have to as you have found out. By ignoring his debts, he is forcing the issue.
I can't see the courts giving him too much leeway. The 2 companies you mentioned have waited for any sign of a goodwill payment from him without any attempt on his part to either pay or contact the companies. I have no idea what the outcome will be, however, I hope the judge scares the cr#P out of him. He really needs a swift dose of reality at the moment.
I hope someone with experience re this process posts a more helpful response.
All the best
Hi, as67,
Sorry to hear that you're worried again but do remember the basic advice, it's his problem not yours, only he can stay in recovery, you can't control what he does and it sounds like you are stepping up to take the blame for "pushing him too hard". Don't. Worry about yourself.
It's good that he's handed over the cards but natural consequences will follow if he ignores his debts. His debts will be enforced by court proceedings and ultimately bailiffs. The question for you is whether to tolerate his bringing the bailiffs to your door.
GA and GamAnon are available regardless of counsellor's holidays so go. Or phone GamCare, call friends, whatever works but distance yourself a bit more, stop devoting all of your time and energy to focusing on his antics. Stepping back does not make you a bad mother, it's worse to let one family member ruin everything for everyone else.
Take care,
CW
Look after yourself.
Thank you
I did speak to him but he didnt want to know, just looked blankly at me and went and stayed in his room until he left for work. I know the pattern so well now, he'll do his best to stay out of my way and hope I dont mention it again.
I have learned to step back a lot, but have moments where I go into Mum mode, today was one of them. It looks like he is going to have to face court hes had every chance to try and make amends. I agree with you Wal he needs a reality check, he has made some progress some of it better than I expected but he is still running away from things that he doesnt want to face. I hope the judge does scare the c**P out of him.
I know you are right Cynical Wife, this is his problem and he has to sort it, and I could kick myself for getting dragged back in to the chaos.
All of his debts were taken out using our home address so any debt collectors/bailiffs will come here, and that scares me to death, and my husband is very angry. He has a lot of debts and so far 2 have said it will be court and several more have said they are sending debt collectors, every day I wake up thinking is this the day when some stranger comes to my door wanting money. My husband has told our son that if they do it will be a deal breaker and he'll be told to leave again, and again no response from our son. I have no idea what to say to these people when they do turn up.
I wont mention it to him again, there isnt anything we haven't said to him countless times before and he knows he has our love and moral support.
Thanks again for the advice
Hi five to the parents of gamblers! You're doing great, put the day of worrying behind you and keep going, you're one of my heroines.
Hi Pangolin
Thats very kind of you to say, but really Im not in the least brave, feels like Im making it up as I go along most days. 🙂
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