Hello, I've been in a relationship with someone who I though was going to be my life partner. I love him so much and would have done anything for him. after year and a half we moved in together into a gorgeous flat which he bought. We have been fine but he constantly had the urges to gamble, he gambled whenever he got paid or received a bonus from work.
In the last couple of months he has been so unhappy and felt very depressed. In the last week alone he lost over £2000. I've adviced him to go to Ga like he did before and to see a specialist but he wasn't happy to agree to it. He wanted to be left alone because I didn't make him happy and he wants to be in control so he can chase money. I've been dealing with this for over two years and I can't imagine doing this for the rest of my life. I'm a supportive and loving person but how can I be with someone who doesn't want me or my help. On top of gambling he has other problems which make him unhappy and very depressed. He told me that he never wants marriage or children. I was always there to make sure he was fine but our last argument ended up in me moving out, its too much stress for me.
im so lost and so hurt. Confused more than anything. I want to be with him so much, we are so good on happy days. He now tells me that he wants us to get back together, he only wants a break to sort him self out but I don't believe in breaks. You either work on relationships and problems together or you end it.
My family are furious at him and so against him after this. I want him to get better and happy but I'm not sure if there is any hope? Can a man addicted to gambling completely stop?
Hi Tina I'm really sorry to be reading about your boyfriends addiction. I can't speak as the partner of a CG as it is my son who has the problem. It looks like you are a very caring and supportive girlfriend. I can understand your parents being furious. I have a daughter myself and truthfully I wouldn't be happy if she got into a relationship with a CG who wouldn't admit to having a problem and who wasn't willing to get help and change. I love my son, he has a girlfriend who knows everything, he seems to be doing well but it is a worry that one day he may fall back gambling like he did but we are aware of what to look out for now and would notice. He deserves to have a relationship and love like anyone else. He is a lovely lad but in the throws of addiction it can change people but the important thing is he is trying and he has changed. Still on the positive side there are plenty of stories on this site where people do struggle but they do stop. Sometimes they may have a blip along the way but they do stop Have a good read around the site. It really is a horrible mind messing addiction. I'm sure your boyfriend will be saying things he doesn't mean his head will be messed up it really doesn't mean that he doesn't love you any less. If he wants to try and stop he should also have a read and join this site there are lots of lovely people around to offer support and advice for both Family & Friends and the CG. It is scary but as I said if he is willing to try and change and puts some plans into action there can be a future for you. There will be others along to give you advice soon. Your heart and head will be confused and fighting against each other 🙁 - Take care - wcid
TtI wish I could say something helpful. I can only sent sympathy and sadly relate. It's so horrible when you heart and head are so torn. There's no right answer. Just whatever you do you must look after yourself and alway put you first. Big words to say I know and I'm not very good at following them! There's lots of people on here and I have found a lot of calm and help being able to talk about it. Hope you can to. T
I need to stop before things get like this with my partner
Hi,
Sorry to hear what's happened.
The three Cs: you didn't cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. To bet or not to bet is his decision, to go or not to go to GA, to take the help or not to is his decision. You can't make his decisions for him but you can decide how to live your own life. I'd advise GamAnon meetings and counselling for you regardless of what he does. Living with problem gambling is damaging.
Keep the focus on you and what you need for your health and happiness. Take care.
CW
If he truly loves you he will put a stop it or at least make an effort to do something about it, Maybe you do something or act in a certain way to get a reaction out of him that enough is enough and your not putting up with it anymore. I have a gambling problem to and I have gone 1 day. It sounds weird talking about gambling like it is a medical condition but it basically is. It makes you ill, anxious, sick, mentally drained, ruins lives and marriages etc. If anything I would say gambling is worse than drugs. Not than I'm saying drugs are good but you know what I mean. Also what you need to remember is a lot of gambling is induced with a triggger, my trigger was when I rowed with my girlfriend I would gamble or if I was feeling sad or anxious I would gamble. Now I need to try find different things to do when this happens like go to gym and play a video game. Maybe this is the case with your partner?? I hope everything works out. Just remember might have a gambling problem but everyone's got feelings and wants to be happy. I'm sure he doesn't want this.
Thank you so much for your advice, it's comforting to hear from other people. I adore him and wish I could help but he prefers to be on his own. I hate the fact that it's the happiest time of the year and I can't be there to support him. Hurts a lot.
He promised that he will go to GA and that time apart is good for us. I can't let go because when he is not gambling he is the ideal man for me. I wish he could see his own qualities but he doesn't 🙁
Hi Tina I can feel your pain in your posts. It's good that you can see he is a good man besides the gambling, I hope he can take this time apart to try and sort his head out and come back to you with a plan of action to move forward. x
Hi, Tina,
I have to disagree with some of the advice that you've had above. There's no guarantee of a happy ending but such as there may be realistically involves a time scale of long term (years) and a huge amount of work and effort, rather than sailing off into the sunset.
I get that it hurts but but he's not some tortured soul that's pure underneath and requires simply the love of a good woman to be cured. Otherwise you would have fixed him by now and he'd want marriage and children and a permanent commitment to each other. But he wants none of these. He has serious issues and addictions that only he can resolve for himself...if that's what he chooses to do. He can turn his life round and live in recovery, but that requires major work, from him, for him. Doable, but not by half measures and not by anything less than total commitment. And even in recovery, he will remain one use away from disaster. Bad person? Not necessarily but messed up at the moment.
I would advise you to think long and hard about some very uncomfortable issues. Read up on co-dependency and look up CODA on line, I didn't find this a pleasant experience, I was quite happy being The Victim but it's something we often discuss at GamAnon meetings - what is is that we're attracted to an addict or addicts? You're attracted to someone who is presently an active addict and by definition must be treating you very badly at the moment, even though you don't say much of it in your opening post. When the basis of the attraction is a desire to fix him or otherwise save him from himself, it's not healthy. Goodness knows we f&f have all done it but the Anon groups all share the same advice: to keep the focus on ourselves and not on the addict.
You did say in your opening post that you can't imagine doing this all your life. At the end of the day, how you choose to live your life is your choice and you are responsible for it. Most of us need help to make choices, especially relating to addiction. Get the help and support for you to cope with your present situation.
Look after you.
CW
I agree with CW as always so I'm not going to repeat anything she has said. A gambler CAN completely stop but it takes 100 per cent commitment and putting all the measures in place that you will see on other posts. My whole atttiude is to take it one day at a time and it works for me and others. As CW says he is the one with the problem - you can't "cure" him with love or anything else. If the gambler doesn't make that 100 per cent commitment they will inevitably gamble again. That may sound depressing but there are many success stories on this website. All the best, Phil
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