I wish this was all a bad dream!

Hi Anonymous18, well done for posting what you have here,

It’s only natural you feel the way you do my friend. What you have to understand from the start is that none of this is personal; I’m sure that, without gambling, your partner is a kind, decent and honest person - if they banned gambling worldwide tomorrow, you would have that man back instantly. The way he acts is no reflection on you - he is suffering from a medically-recognized affliction that makes him act differently to how he would normally.

The public see gambling as an active choice which is understandable; I remember watching a documentary when I was younger about a Father who gambled incessantly and his family became homeless as a result. I remember thinking about how unbelievably selfish and dishonest he was but, from having been through it myself after stopping four years ago, I know exactly what this affliction does to you; you become obsessed, isolated, temperamental - you days and nights are haunted by thoughts of winning and losing.

On the other side of the coin, he has to recognize he has a problem and deal with it - he is in effect mentally allergic to gambling; the euphoria of winning gives him such an enormous high that he is desperate to recreate it. If he loses, then he faces soul-wrenching desperation in order to regain what he is lost - he won’t believe that, he thinks he can stop or win enough back to cover what he has lost and treat you but the truth is very different. It is a lose-lose scenario; no-one wants to admit they have something in their life they can’t control but that is who he is, and he must recognize that

and seek help.

If he doesn’t want help or advice, then I would ask him to do it for you; you have a right to piece of mind as part of a relationship, particularly if you want to move forward down the line and think about marriage and children. Tell him you need absolute honesty at the very least - explain you would rather know the very worst of what he is doing than nothing at all. He has opened up to you about how it affects him physically and this is very encouraging - this is what you need to expand my friend, this is what you need to work on.

There are ways that he can help himself. He can use this website; ask him to look at it with an open mind if he feels it isn’t applicable to him. He can self-exclude from the Bookmakers, he can hand over all control of his finances to you, he (and you) can visit your local GA meeting; there are options out there for him.

My heart goes out to both of you my friend. Try and separate who he is from the affliction itself as I said above - the trust hasn’t gone, he hasn’t purposefully gone behind your back; he had no idea that the first bet he ever had would lead to a problem like this but he must recognize what he is doing and seek help. If he doesn’t want to help himself, even if it is just for your benefit, then that is the time to think about walking away my friend.

Keep posting as much as you need to my friend. I sincerely hope you both can make some progress.

JamesP

Thank you for your wise words JamesP I really appreciate it.

I suppose in a way im glad I have found out now rather than years down the line when we have a house and kids!!!

Coming from an experienced gambler how do you think I should approach him now, what should I say to encourage him to get help and what should I not say as I don't want to lecture him? Where not on speaking terms at the moment.

How did you go about getting help what worked best for you?

Thank you for your wise words JamesP I really appreciate it.

I suppose in a way im glad I have found out now rather than years down the line when we have a house and kids!!!

Coming from an experienced gambler how do you think I should approach him now, what should I say to encourage him to get help and what should I not say as I don't want to lecture him? Where not on speaking terms at the moment.

How did you go about getting help what worked best for you?

Can't really add too much to what JamesP has said already - he arguably knows more about the subject than anyone here. What I would say is that the person you met is still there, the one you were attacted to in the beginning. Good luck to you.

You're very welcome Anonymous18, happy to help.

I would approach him as you would a friend trying to solve a common problem; try not to be angry or judgemental - you are entitled to be but, as I said, gambling isolates you so try bring him closer, otherwise you may push him further away which is the last thing you want to do at the moment.

Going back to basics would be the best scenario - he knows very deep down that he has a problem and he has admitted to you how it makes him feel; this is what you need to build on my friend. Tell him that although he feels he doesn't have a problem, it is pushing you into a corner financially and you have to be practical, above anything else.

Try and explain that it's not up to you to decide whether he has a problem (even though the truth is quite different) but he must know that what he is doing is out of the ordinary and maybe he can see something of himself in posts on here, or if he saw someone speaking at a GA meeting.

This Forum, plus the support of my friends and family helped me enormously when I first joined six years ago, and thanks to that, it's been over four years for me. There was a lot of anger, upset and confusion when I told them but once I had explained more about this affliction over time, they were a great deal more understanding. It was an enormous weight off of my shoulders - as I said earlier, gambling isolates you; it's a very lonely thing and there is very little understanding or sympathy out there. No-one wants to admit they have an addiction, or something in their life they can't control but going through that initial moment of shame is far worse than shutting yourself off from everyone emotionally.

Being around people who could understand and appreciate what I was going through was a huge help and this Forum has been incredibly liberating in my time here. GA is also similar because again, you are surrounded by people who are in the know.

In time, you learn to know what works best to get you through it - the early days are the hardest but then you get used to understanding and working your way through the urges; they are only temporary, they rarely last long so it's a case of keeping your mind occupied and accepting that it takes time to get stronger and more capable of dealing with them.

He has to want it my friend, it has to come from him and he has taken a step towards that from what you are saying. He can come through this, many, many people have but he must want to stop.

JamesP

Thank you Fijian and thank you again JamesP.

I shall take everything you have said on board.

Hopefully we will both be able to make some progress out of this whole mess.

Wish us luck.

Will keep you updated.

So I thought my boyfriend had got back on the straight and narrow but I've now found myself back here again. Recently he's been gambling his whole days earnings and loosing it all. He's always admitted to me he has a problem and has told me he's only doing it because he's desperate for money and thinks one day he will get that big win! I can't trust him anymore time after time he's promised me he will get help but he believes the only form of help beneficial to him will be sitting on these online chat rooms talking to people yes it's good he's doing that but he needs proper professional help which he's refusing to get as he doesn't like talking to people face to face. He is a shy insecure person but if you wanted the help that badly you would get the help. I don't want to give up on him but it's been going on for far too long now and I'm broken. I've arranged to go and see a counsellor myself to see what help they can offer me and help me deal with the situation. I really see no way out for us and it's so heart breaking to see the person you love ruining their life and our relationship! I wish they would ban gambling all together!!!

I'm so sorry your partner has had a relapse and your both going through difficult times. I am sorry I cannot offer any advice as I am new to the forum having just found out my son is gambling. He is in denial he thinks gambling £1300 in one month is acceptable when in reality it stops him from paying his bills. I've had a lot of advice on these forums. Two main ones have been stop helping him with money and he has got to realise he has the problem and wants help. I'm dismayed and confused like you, wanting to be there for him but finding it so difficult he won't let me help him. Good luck to you both I really hope it works out as it can for some xx

Hi,

Sorry to hear it. My sympathies but no easy answers.

You must know the score after last time. Protect yourself financially but don't trust him not to gamble, now or in the future. You can't make him stop, you can only decide how much to put up with, whether to commit to a future that features bouts of this behaviour.

I wonder whether he actually stopped gambling before? First time round, my husband didn't. He said he would but the other addict signs were there, blaming me, financial secrecy, never admitting there was a problem in the first place. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that I accepted lip service and half measures, the gambling continued unabated behind my back.

This time round, the problem is out in the open and fully acknowledged, we have every possible measure in place to break the triangle, although I am aware that he could find a way round if he was determined. He goes to GA and as far as I know he has stopped.

I would suggest checking credit reports in your name and his from the three main agencies and also trawling through his bank statements for the last few years. He would need to cooperate and if he refuses or makes out that you're paranoid for asking, that would be ominous.

If you do stay in the relationship, I suggest that you accept nothing less than the fullest possible measures. Full financial control, total transparency (I closed down all of his accounts apart from one to administer his money), total permanent self exclusion, all devices blocked, no smartphone, regular attendance at GA on a permanent basis. And still there are no guarantees and do you want to live like this.

Take care,

CW

I'm sorry to hear about your son. It must be very hard for you its different when they are your own flesh and blood you want to be there for them and protect them it's not easy to walk away. I understand what your going through its so hard to understand why they can't just stop! I can only suggest maybe getting some help for yourself arrange to see a counsellor or go to a gam care meeting they set them up for people who are trying to come to terms with a loved ones gambling. I'm going to one this evening so I shall let you know how it goes. He can only want to get the help for himself you can't force him but make sure he knows your always there if he needs you. Has he admitted he has a problem if so try and get him to get rid of his smart phone. I know that's hard for kids nowadays as their whole lives are revolved around social media but at least then the temptations aren't there. Take control of his finances make him self exclude there are ways to help him control his gambling. From readin stories on here I don't think there is a cure :(.

Hi cynical wife thanks for your advice. I'm starting to doubt that myself whether he actually ever stopped I only seem to find out when he tells me he's lost everything. Luckily for us we haven't got any kids a house and we aren't married or planning to get married anytime soon! As far as I'm aware he's not gambling anywhere in the region of thousands of pounds not that it's still except able he seems to gamble more when he's struggling with his work as he has his own business and apparently does it in desperation but then once he gets that buzz back again he can't stop! I've never leant him money if he wants to gamble he can use his own. I'm sorry to hear what your going through it sounds tough. Most of the stories I've read on here have advised getting out while you can as nothing will ever change maybe for a while but there's always a chance of relapse as I've seen for myself. Maybe I need to think about myself in all of this for a change think of my future and now might be the time to walk away? We are giving eachother some space he's seeking help his way much to my annoyance as I think he should see a professional but he refuses. I'm seeking help for myself my own way. If I can't see an improvement or I know deep down myself I can't trust him and things will never change it might be best to cut all ties as much as that will kill me. It's so hard when you love someone so very much seeing the person they have become its devastating.

Hi Annonymous, you are right when you say 'why can't they just stop' I suppose we will never understand. It is awful looking at him and thinking I don't know the person he has become. He is a good lad, always worked hard but after looking back at his statements the last two years he just started with the odd bet then escalated from there. He's always came to me when he had problems but not on this occasion. Things have been hard since we found out a week ago, I havnt shouted at him, he is more annoyed at me because I know the truth. Today he got paid, I asked him to put half his days wage on to a pre paid card this morning. The card was still there untouched at 4pm. My husband has talked to him and he has now put more than half of his wages on the card! It's a start. I know it's going to be hard for him after doing this for two years, today has been a positive step though. I have access to his bank account now so I can see what he is doing. He isn't ready to hand over his fanances or to admit he has the problem but I think he seems a bit happier today, it's early days. I hope you have had a good day, you have been going through this nightmare! I hope you get the happiness you deserve in whatever direction you choose xx

re: Why cant they just stop. The best way to experience an addicts urge to use by someone who cannot fathom why they wont just stop is to try this experiment. Buy a box of laxatives & take the whole lot. Then just tell yourself to not use the bathroom for two days. I'm not trying to say its ok or right or trivialize it. But willpower & being told not to do it simply doesn't cut it. In the same way you wouldn't be able to not use the bathroom an addict believes it is their only choice to alleviate their discomfort

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Day@at a time Thankyou for that explanation. I know it is an illness and must be very hard. It's difficult as its so hard to spot in a loved one until it has actually got a hold of them.