I'm a mum whose just found out her son is online gambling

hi lily, i am a compulsive gambler, probably what your son is, how can you help him? firstly don't give him any more money, if your granddaughter needs shoes take her yourself and buy them there and then, if the fridge is bare (as mine is) don't give him cash to fill it, buy the food yourself. gambling is a progressive addication, (i know) when people enter gambling their mindset changes, some will gamble till they have nothing left (monday i kept feeding my addication until my bank account was empty). You could try to get him on this site, the advice is top and endless, ask him to see a counselor, but all in all he has to have reached his rock bottom and want to stop himself. I feel for you, you want to help him but he has to want to help himself. - Paul

Hi Lily, welcome to the forum 🙂

Sadly, there's very little you can do to help a gambler who does not want help & I completely understand how hard it is not to keep bailing him out 🙁

The best advice I can give you is to get as much information you can about the addiction because it's likely going to get worse before it gets better if he's behaved like that when you told him you knew. It may seem like your responsibility to put food on his table but it really isn't as it allows him to use his money to gamble.

It may help you to ring the helpline in the first instance...The operators should be able to give you some pointers.

Don't take anything personally, we will take money from anyone and everyone, lying and cheating our way to it in many cases. You didn't cause his addiction even though he may try and blame you for it. The best thing you can do is get support for you & stay strong - ODAAT

I've cried as I've read these messages. My husband was killed in a road accident years ago when my son was only 9. This has led to me being the only parent. I have no one to turn to for advice and I have had to deal with all his problems by myself all my life. I feel I have not done a very good job of raising my children as I am a "soft touch". I do blame myself for his behaviour and treatment of me. I am now in my 60s and have had enough. I have blocked his number from my phone tonight to stop his constant demands of money (only £20 or £30 for petrol for work and dinner money he says) I am weak and I give in. I am not afraid of him and he would never hurt me but lies to me and I believe what he says. Just for tonight I will try tough love. Is this wrong ??

Absolutely not!

Chances are your husband dying is more a part of this than anything you have or haven't done perfectly. When you're trying to do the job of 2, probably never having dealt with your own grief you will do everything in your power to make them happy. Tough love is such a terribly hard road to go down but it's vital for us gamblers! My mum is a gambler & my Nan tough as old boots & yet despite aggressive promises of no more she has still 'allowed' my mum to bleed her dry of anything that I haven't manipulated from her by less aggressive but perhaps more devious means 🙁 No one had a gun to my head all those years...My addiction is my problem & my responsibility to get & accept the help that is out there.

You're not alone now, albeit we are just a bit of cyber support for you. Can you get to a GamAnon meeting? What about calling the helpline? Lily, none of this is your fault! Many people develop addictions as a way of coping with anxieties & life, many people don't. When active, we can always find someone else to blame but when we start looking out for & after ourselves, the fog clears & we are embarrassed by the people we allowed ourselves to become.

Don't punish yourself for being alone, take some of the help that is out there for loved ones of problem gamblers & see if it doesn't help you unravel some of your own personal sadness.

Maybe have a look @ some of the friends & family threads...They ain't pretty but you will realise you are not alone in your thinking & you need to put yourself 1st for a change.

Hi Lily , I'm a compulsive gambler and it sounds very much as though your son has also taken the wrong turn , Iv'e just read your story and I'm afraid that if he keeps pestering you with demands for money and just gamble's it away it is very much your business .

Tough love is not wrong , He's 34 and a grown man who needs to learn that your not the bank of mum and nor a bottomless pit of money who can be tapped up just to fund his habit . Funding his gambling will teach him nothing and I can understand that he's your son so you feel responsibility towards him , especially as he lost his father at an early age but all the time you enable him to do it , he will just keep taking from you .

He's going to get angry and say its not your business , why wouldn't he if he feels his supply of ready cash is in danger of drying out , his gambling is no different from a drug habit , it needs feeding !.

You had some good advice already Lily and like ODAAT said, if as he claims the kids need clothes or food then by all means buy them , their your grandkids and youv'e every right to , that way their still looked after and he's not syphoning the money off for gambling /.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh but I know when I was an active Gambler , if I needed money to gamble then I didn't really care where it came from or how I got it .

Time to be strong and lay down the rules of how you want it to be , if he genuinly needs money and you still gfeel the need to give it him , then ask for receipts for whatever he's buying or if he's gambling online then Credit card and bank statements , if hje's nothing to hide he shouldn't mind showing you should he ? .

You need to look after you first , not him , he's got kids and a partner and responsibilities to them and needs to accept responsibility for his own actions .

Tough love is definately needed and the sooner the better in my opinion .

Alan

Lily

I have been in the same position as you and it is heartbreaking. However tough love is what is needed when he is being so pig headed. The more money you give him the easier it is to carry on gambling. Afraid he is is in so deep now he cannot think of anything other than the gambling and himself and there is unable to register the pain he is causing you and his lovely little family i.e. child. So, yes, turn your phone off and keep saying "no" to him. Even if he comes to you crying for more money say "no". Eventually he will reach rock bottom and realise that he is going to have to sort himself. You have done so much for him and as we did and many other parents and partners have done the same - because you love them, want to trust them and hope the problem goes away. You think it's helping by bailing him out, but in the end it's the worst thing. You must stress that until he seeks help i.e. gamcare or GA and maybe agrees to hand his finances over to you or a payment plan that there will be no more support. He needs to keep his job so at 34 he needs that security at least. He will probably try to talk you out of it all but stick to your guns. Tell him that if he goes down the payday loan route there is no way you will be paying off any loans. If your grandchild needs stuff then either buy it direct for her or let the mum have the money. If he worries you try and talk to him with another adult there. Ring the Gamcare counsellors for more info to collect so you have more knowledge about gambling and recovery and then try and get him round to talk and show him what you have found out. Keep talking to people on here for support and try to confide in someone at home or your GP.

Tak care and good luck.

Hi Lily

Im the mum of a compulsive gambler, my son is 21 and has been gambling since before he left school.

Firstly this is not your fault, there is nothing you have said or done that makes your son gamble its down to his choice alone. I blamed myself for years thinking surely we must of either missed something or done something wrong but there isnt and neither have you. My son is my youngest and has had the same happy childhood as his brother, yet he gambles and his brother doesnt and has a great life the total opposite to him. Theres no history in either side of the family as far as we know of addiction. My point being a compulsive gambler comes from all walks of life and why one person should be addicted and the other not, I guess we'll never know and trying to find a reason as to why will only frustrate you and wont solve the problem any way.

I understand why you give him money, or food or anything else we've all done it countless times, how can we see them go hungry and lose their car or anything else, its really hard to ignore. The problem is giving them money, or food or anything else they need is the worst thing you can do, all it does is free up any money they have to gamble more. They will use every kind of emotional black mail possible to get what they need and they're really really good at it and we end up giving them what they want. It doesn't matter who we are to them or what bills they have or repsonsibilites they might have, gambling will always come first for them. I know how incredibly hard it is to but the best thing you can do for him is not give him another penny, its true that they have to feel consequences of their gambling and if that means he cant pay his bills then thats what needs to happen. Its a difficult one but I wouldnt even buy food to put in the fridge for them, yes your grandaughter and her mum will benefit from it but so will your son and it will probably turn out that its just expected of you to do it regularly.

I know you want to believe what he tells you, but you cant not a single word, he will lie and manipulate to get what he wants. He is your son but hes also in a compulsive gambler and will behave as such and its those behaviours you need to think about when dealing with him.

Several times weve thrown our son out and each time he came home after a short time, it was just too upsetting. Early this year we had to do the same again, we were left with no other choice, however recently after not seeing him for 6 months hes home again and I wish we'd left him where he was at least he was starting to feel the consequences he badly needed. Now we're back to square one hes gambling as much as ever, and Im not sure where we go from here. The one thing I know made any difference was tough love and in hindsight Id of been far tougher a long time ago and I wish he'd never come home. I love him as much as I ever but I know that this is something he has to sort for himself and my trying to help him just makes matters worse.The same goes for all of us its not something we can fix, recovery only comes if and when the cg wants it.

Decide what is acceptable to you and if you make rules and he breaks them and you dont follow through with consequnces he wont believe you next time you say it. My son has stolen from us several times and each time we said if theres a next time, he's out of the house and each time we never followed through. However he knows in no uncertain terms if he did do it again, we would follow through, and I would even though it would be very upsetting its what he needs, consequences other wise he would just continue. Im not saying your son will steal but be aware its very possible so keep all your own finances safe, dont trust him with this, ever.

Call Gamcare, they will give you immediate support and can arrange free counselling for you, which I highly recommend. If at all possible got to GA , its for friends and family too, although I couldnt get to one too far away I wish I could Im told its excellent help and support.

Tough love absolutely, ignore his calls and call Gamcare.

Take care

Hi Lilly I'm also the mum of a CG it's heartbreaking and very hard to come to terms with it, it takes over your every thought. It's not your fault I'm sure you've been a fab mum to your son You will be looking for the awnsers to why he is gambling and why he can't and won't stop. It's tough all round, tough for you, him and his family. I can understand you giving him money we don't want to see them without anything and especially where there's children involved. I hope everything works out for all of you. This time last year I was just about to find out that my own son was a CG, things have gotten better for him, it has been a bumpy ride but can be done. Take care. Wcid x

Hi, this is my first post, as I've just learnt that my 20 year old son has a gambling addicition, I would welcome support and advice. My dad has been an addict since his teens, he is now 77 years old. He has attempted suicide twice and has borrowed money from friends, credit cards and loans reaching over £60,000. My brother had to take on the mortgage as we didn't want my mum and dad to lose their house. My dad will not admit he has an addicition, therefore we are unable to help him. I do not want my son to go in the same direction as my dad. He doesn't know we know about this addiction. We plan to sit him down tonight to discuss his addiction, what would be the best way to go about it? I don't want to go in all guns blazing as this will make things worse. Many thanks, Shelley

Hi Shelly , firstly apologies for nobody getting back to you , It's probably because youve posted on on a thread from another mum suffering the same sort of thing instead of starting another new thread , I emailed admin about an hour ago to ask them to speak to you but there obviously on a long lunch break ? .

It's always difficult particularly when as youv'e described it runs in families , but at least you know how it kinda works , I'm a Compulsive Gambler myself so I really only know what went through my mind when I decided to give up , firstly if your going to sit him down and have a sort of intervention , you could always use his grandad as an example of how bad things can become for him if he carries on down this path he's chosen , unfortunately if he is doing what you believe then then until he's ready to stop He will carry on doing what he's doing , as a CG I know that I didn't stop gambling until I'd got to a point that I couldn't take any more and told all to my family . The difference is with you is that he's been found out so you may get a different reaction , denial maybe and a string of half truths and lies to account for his behaviour ? .

If he does confess all then you need to see proof that he's actively going to do things and help himself overcome this addiction , transparency is what you need and that means access to his bank statements and C card ones as well , you could also ask for checks from the credit agency's to make sure he's telling the truth about the full extent of any debt's he may have .?

I'm sorry I'm not much help here but I feel you need to see what his reaction is and decide on a course of action once he does or doesnt admit there's a problem .

You could try posting a new thread maybe in the overcoming gambling aor in the f and f section and I'm sure other parents of CG's will soon help with better advice than I can give .

I hope things work out for you and were always here if you need us :))

Best wishes for now Alan

Hi Shelley

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting.

First I would like to apologise for any delay in responding to you. I can hear that this is a very stressful time for you, as you have mentioned some very painful experiences from earlier years with your father.

You have said you would like to talk to your son tonight. It really helps to stay calm and try to clear your head so that you stay focused on what you would like to say. Try writing things down first if it helps.

I would advise against ultimatums as this rarely works. But let him talk openly and freely about his thoughts and feelings. You may find that he is unable to explain why he gambles, feeling confused or ashamed. These feelings are common to problem gambling.

Try and see if you are able to establish some firm boundaries together using reassurance to help him feel secure. But try to limit the financial impact of his gambling on your finances. Allowing him to take responsibility for his gambling can help his recovery process.

I have made a link for you to read through http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/partners-friends-and-family

He may feel ready to speak to one of our Advisers on 0808 8020 133 and use our free counselling service

Finally I thought you might like to start your own thread. It would help you to get some responses from other users who can view your posts more easily.

Kind regards

Cade

Forum Admin

Dear Alan and Cade,

Thank you for your support and advice.

We made sure we could show our son proof of his gambling addiction by printing out his transactions from his current account, which I have access to, before sitting him down. Firstly, we asked him whether he had a gambling addiction, which he said no. When then asked him to look at all his transactions and asked him again whether he had a gambiling addiction. He admitted he had, he also opened up and said his friends have shared there concerns about his gambling. Our plan to nip this in the bud was to remove the gambling sites from all his electrical devices, includling his mobile. He's agreed we can check his electical devices daily to ensure he hasn't uploaded the gambling apps. I have contacted his friends asking them not to lend him anymore money even if he begs them (they have been very supportive) and have agreed with my request.

I will be checking his bank account regualy and we will not be giving him anymore money.

He has said that he is not going to go out for a month, as he also admitted he drinks to much.

All seems very postive, I'm just hoping he will stick to his promise.

Many thanks for your time, I will keep you updated and I will start my own thread.

Shelley

Hi Shelly , I'm glad it all went as well as it could under the circumstances :)) .

It's never nice for either side of the fence when the family find out and the addict has to finally come clean but so far you seem to have had a positive response from your son , now he know's your aware of his problem it can make it easier to move forward and start addressing his issues , obviously the drinking is another he needs to deal with and I'm sure they are both connected as drinking lowers your inhibitions and also your self control so the gambling could stem from that ? .

Transparency is so important and as long as you have accsess to his finances you'll be in a position to keep an eye on things but always consider the option of asking him to provide his credit rating as it would show up any other potential borrowing which may not have come to light , sorry to sound so sceptical but us CG's are very devious and will try all ways to continue to throw large amounts of money down the drain :((.

Your son's very lucky to have such a wondefully supportive family behind him , he may not think so straight away but in time hopefully he'll come to realise you only have his interests at heart :))

I wish you well for the future but if you need anymore advice from anyone on here then pop back in anytime .

Best wishes for now and regards Alan

Firstly I would like to thank everyone that has responded to my posts. It helps to know I am not alone. However things have not got any better between myself and my son. I blocked him from my phone the whole weekend until he sussed what I had done and got to me by e-mail. He started the usual begging messages saying he had nothing left not even enough to make his daughter a sandwich. The usual backwards and forwards arguments began when I made the mistake of replying and telling him he should have thought of that before he gambled his whole week's wages. He said he was sick of my looking into his bank statements and was changing his details. However to date he has not done this. I checked the statements again today and he is gambling more than ever. I feel that the fact that he knows I know he has a problem has opened the floodgates and he is getting in more and more debt. His statements show Paypal amounts so I have no idea which sites he is betting on but I've seen some payments on bingo sites and Pocket Fruity. He has not been going to work - he says he cant afford the petrol so he will shortly lose this job too. How can somebody just through all their wages away and let their daughter go hungry or fill the car with petrol so they can get to work. I dont know why all this has started and why it is getting so out of control. He rang me on his partner's phone and because I thought it was her I answered it. He said he was desperate and would I give him £20 so he could get petrol for work. I gave in, I was in company and could not argue. I checked his account afterwards and he had used it on petrol. I am now dreading every e-mail that comes in and I know he is massively overdrawn now and getting in more and more debt. I have unblocked the phone and am waiting for tonight's call. He said I will never see his daughter unless I help him. I have told him I hate him and what he has become. I know this is not helpful but this is taking my every waking moment and I am still so angry he took my money for the car. I cannot understand his gambling or why the bank lets him gamble money he does not have in his account.

I am at my wits end. My elder son does not behave like this. He has phoned me today saying he is facing possible redundancy. I was tempted to confide in my elder son before he had this news now he has enough problems of his own and I have yet another thing to worry about.

I have printed off his bank statement so I can make myself look at it and hopefully not give in to demands for money. I have offered to meet him at a garage and buy the petrol. I have told him I have joined this forum and the money will be stopping. He doesn't believe me and refused to meet at the garage. Said he had no petrol to get where I live and he was already in the garage. He lives in a flat owned by my boss. He gets a cheap rent through my company. If he fails to pay the rent I would be so embarrassed. I have to work there. This will be the next thing - no work no rent.

Sorry to rant on and I know that I cannot give him money but he just wears me down. Some of the replies I have are so true, especially about every single thing being a lie, I can relate to everything everyone says but I am finding it so hard to put into practice.

Thanks for listening, I am hoping to attend a meeting at some point but feel too embarrassed and ashamed at the moment. Where do I go from here?