Hi, I live with a commpulsive gambler and have done so for 15 years. The problem which I am struggling with is his inability to stop. He tells me he is taking steps, then I find out that he has borrowed money, although he refuses to tell me how much or who from. Which leads me to think he wants money just for gambling and there are no debts. I dont give him the money to repay these debts, he waits until I am asleep and takes the bank card to access the money while I am either in work or asleep. I only find out when I see the money missing from the bank account. One of the things I find hard is that he wont allow me to talk to him about what is going on, he wont tell me who he borrows money from or how much, he draws the money out in erratic quantities, I think in the hope that I wont notice, or is it just money to gamble with and he is pretending that he owes people, this is what I dont know. If I try to talk to him he says I will make him gamble again. We have two children 19 and 12, I am with him now solely for the sake of the 12 year old, as it would break his heart if we split. He has now told me that he has self excluded from every betting shop in the city in which we live, although he has told me that he has done this before, but recently admitted that he hadnt. He expects me to trust and believe that this is what he has done, but how do I? I think things are coming to a head for me as I am about to turn 50 and have lived with this problem now since my 30's and the prospect of entering another decade of my life with the same issue is frightening, especially as I am getting older and the thought of heading into retirement with the prospect of debts and gambling I find scary. My problem is what do I do, do I break my childs heart in the hope that we may have a happier life without him or do I continue in the vain hope that he means what he says and does manage to curb his gambling. I just dont know what to do. In hindsight I feel I should have left him when he first told me about the problem, but foolishly thought I could help him. Think it would have been easier on the children to have split when they were little. Any advice?
Hi bstep it doesn't sound good. If he's stealing your bank card, taking money from you. You need to hide this or get a safe. Don't give him money, don't pay his debts. He's lying, in denial and probably still gambling. Seek help for yourself call gamcare or go to gamanon meeting if you can. He needs to seek help for himself, he will only stop if he wants to or is at rock bottom. Protect you finances. Don't have joint accounts. If you seek help he may follow, especially if you go to a meeting. No one can tell you whether to leave or not. Do some credit checks, find out if there is more debt than he is telling you. Good luck.
Hi bstep and welcome to the forum :)).
My name's Alan and I'm a Compulsive Gambler but haven't gambled in nearly 2 yrs .
Picking up on some of the things youve written the first thing I have to say is that " He won't stop until he's ready to stop " sure he may promise you the world " I've done this and that " but without hard proof I would take it with a pinch of salt !.
I'm not sure how he's self excluded but you could ask him, because if he's been around to all these shops he'd have paperwork to prove it as we have to sign a declaration , however if it's through the national exclusion helpine which does the job for you , he must have done it online and therfore would have proof via email ? .
Why do you allow him access to your bank account ? , couldn't you hide it in a better place ? or better still order a new one , just report your's lost or just change your pin number , you can do it over the phone as it's automated ?.
The main thing to be assured of is it's not you making him gamble , no matter what he tells you that's down to him alone and he chooses if he places that next bet not you .
As a mum and wife , walking away is something only you can decide I'm afraid , I think you know yourself when that moment arrives , when you finally have enough of the lying and being treated like a fool and it then becomes about what's best for you and your son .
When I was an active gambler , I'm ashamed to say that I'd become so very good at covering my tracks and making up excuses just so I could get my hand's on more money to gamble with and it was only when I decided to stop that I saw the mess I'd left in my wake .
Have a read of some of the stories in the Family and friends section and I'mn sure many of your questions will be answered already by the loved ones just like yourself who have suffered at the hand's of people like myself and your husband.
Take care and look after you :))
Alan
Stealing your money suggests he has exhausted his own access - which could be serious.
I'm a CG.
Having read lots on here and been very reflective after reading some very powerful posts by the Friends and Family members in particular I would now say that the only time a non-gambler should remain with a CG is if they have complete access to everything financial and that nothing is in joint liability. possible excepting the mortgage. Credit reports are the most critical, in my opinion.
The minute a compuslive gambler becomes secretive about any money I believe they are either gambling (most likely) or spending money on something else they do not wish to admit to (P*********s, P*********y) either way it's not acceptable in a respectful relationship.
Personally I think you need to be prepared to leave this relationship, if you are then you need to say outright, he has one chance to tell you.what is going on, his behaviour (with money) is not usual. Don't reassure him of what you will do but say that you want to understand but also see evidence of what he tells you and his only hope of saving your relationship is the truth, whatever that is.
once you have the truth you can decide what your next step is. Whilst it would of course be very emotional, removing as much emotion as possible would help, stick to the facts.
the mini safe that only you can access is a good option to
anyway just my thoughts, I hope things work out well for you
regards
Hi, thank you both for your replies. I have had a safe in the past but he broke into it, I change my pin regularly but as he is often with me when I make purchases or take out cash he hovers around me to try and figure out my pin, I have often gone to use my card only to find out it is blocked due to too many incorrect attempts! the last time he self excluded he went around the shops himself but this time he says he has done it online, I am still waiting to see the proof as I have asked to see it. He says he is going to attend the meetings but has only been once and that was 6 weeks ago. I know he has to want to stop and too be honest if anyone else was telling me this I would tell them to get out, I know I have to but it also damages your own self confidence as he hides his addiction and there is only really myself who knows. His family and friends don't know and he doesn't like me to talk about it, although I have done to my sister, but he is unaware of this. His family don't like me as they think I control him as he often turns up for weekends away with his brothers without money as he has gambled it on route, and tells them that I wouldn't give him any money to go, then borrowing it from them. He is ashamed of himself I know this as when we had to seek help to pay off the debts he had to get an IVA and I found out that he told them that I had a shopping addiction.
He doesn't know I'm seeking help now as he really doesn't want me talking about it to anyone even through this site, he uses this site, he tells me, for support.
Thank you both for your comments
Hi again , That's a classic addict's reasoning " I don't want you to talk about it " ? Of course he doesn't incase he's exposed to his family and friends as the liar he is ! and again it's " your shopping addiction " that's the reason he has no money ? , he's just doing the " Switcharound " that myself and all CG's do , it deflects the blame and shame away from the person who's really to blame .
From what youve just said I would think he's alomost certainly still gambling and you need to protect yourself and your son from further financial damadge as much as you can , at least until you get firm proof that he's doing all he can to stop .
Thank you, its good to openly talk about it, feel like Im going mad at times.
he's gambling in a big way.
completely out of control, in complete denial
He has lost the choices now - you talk to whoever you want and get whatever help you need.
Get whatever finances you can control sorted now. I'm an expert at deflection, twisting facts and lying, all to my great shame. Your husband is no different to me,
That's what this place is good for 🙂 As a CG I find it hard to understand the reasoning behind what we we do , so how you guy's on the recieving end can ever fathom anything out is beyond me ? It might be his addiction but it's you that's suffering
Talk to you soon :)).
Asked my husband for total honesty regarding his recent gambling. He said I was trying to drag him back down when hes now in a good place, what about me Im not in a good place. Hes refusing to talk and Ive just found a small stash of money
​ and hes just asked me for money to go out and watched me trying to get some together for him all the knowing hes got some hidden ...whats it for ?? Emergency gambling stash??
Asked my husband for total honesty regarding his recent gambling. He said I was trying to drag him back down when hes now in a good place, what about me Im not in a good place. Hes refusing to talk and Ive just found a small stash of money
​ and hes just asked me for money to go out and watched me trying to get some together for him all the knowing hes got some hidden ...whats it for ?? Emergency gambling stash??
Hi bstep This is all very upsetting you need some help and support. As I said before call gamcare or go to a meeting. If I found money in my house that my husband was hiding I would confront him. You've been putting up with this for a long time. He is in denial wants you to think he has stopped. Or this has just come into my head, he needs money to pay someone. Be careful, get help. Talk to your family, get some support. Good luck!
Hi bstep 🙂
Echo the above, you need to get some proper support! Stealing from you, hovering over you when you use your card so he can access the PIN & blocking you out of your account is criminal behaviour & whilst I can understand the concerns for your 12 year old you being this troubled is completely unhealthy! How dare he blame you when he turns up empty handed to see his family but I have to ask the question...Why haven't you corrected them?
I also note that he is supposedly using this site...Odd then that he hasn't identified you? He doesn't want you talking about it because it's much easier for us to get away with it when nobody knows. As the others have said, he's lost the chance to call the shots & you should be telling anyone & everyone you need to for your own sanity. He doesn't care where you are right now, he's manipulating you into thinking this is somehow your fault & unless you have full control of his finances, you shouldn't be doing anything when he asks for money, regardless of what it is for.
He is nothing more than a bully & if he was that ashamed about his behaviour, he would do something about it. I can't begin to imagine the stress this is causing & I know it's easy for me to say this but unless you decide what you are willing to accept as a minimum & lay that down for him, he's going to continue to trample all over you. You can't trust a word we say without proof & as for that money you have found...Since he needed money to go out, it's not his! You must have hidden it there for a rainy day 😉
Take care of you - ODAAT
Hi bstep
i will respond in full later, from your posts it sounds as though you and I have lots in common.
I discovered my husband's latest gambling 2.5 weeks ago and I haven't set eyes in him since, after 23 years. You wrote on my thread that you thought I was very brave to go it alone. I am not feeling brave today, just very lonely and pretty scared. However, my house is quiet, there is no tension and no lies. My husband doesn't want help as he has no problem in his eyes, yours sounds the same.
I will no longer put my health at risk from all the stress and worry or upset my children with his constant lies and denials. He's such a shocking role model.
it is going to be extremely hard doing this but I have come to finally realise I've had enough.
What practical things has he done to demonstrate he is not gambling? - Words mean nothing from a CG, at least mine dont
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