My OH is gambling on his phone using slot machines, roulette and poker apps. He has been playing for a couple of years. His business wasn't doing great and he did say that he was doing this as a way of not thinking about his problems. He started to say at his business until 6pm and phone to say he was leaving - it takes him 10 mins to get home. He would get in at 7 to 7.30. We keep having these problems and arguments he will stop for a month or so and then it kicks off again. We nearly split up at Christmas and I went to my brothers on my own. We are now back to square 1 only he is playing on his phone and not getting back home until 8.30pm and he will also play on it when he goes to bed which is after 1am. He has his own account so I do not know if he is spending huge amounts on it. I have been off work with anxiety and depression as it is making me ill. I have asked him to leave so that we can both get some space as I think he has also got depression. He told me that he was thinking of taking his own life as he was frightened of losing me and that he was a failure with everything. He didn't do it thank god. This has been going on for about 4 years now. I have also started to pay all the house bills as he's not getting a wage out of the business since January. He is coming home when he wants and goes to work when he wants and is doing nothing around the house and we are not going out. I don't know if he is using the business as the fault for him playing on his phone or it is the other way round. We are going to see his Doctor so that I can explain to the doc what he has thought of doing. I am in a catch 22 and am not sure what is the right thing to do. Maybe I could get some advice on what you think?
I would give gamcare a ring love...they will talk it all over with you...good luck x
Hi,
Sorry for being slow to reply, normally your post would attract multiple responses but apart from Loxxie, who's quite right about calling GC, we've all been asleep.
The keys to you coping with the situation that you are in are support (ahem) and accurate information. Have you read round the forum? If not, would recommend it, both sides, so that you have some idea of what to expect. Active CGs do indeed lie, deny, manipulate, blame and generally cause chaos to their nearest and dearest. It's not love, or lack of love, it's addiction and it is a huge mistake to underestimate what addiction involves or how powerful is the drive to use. I made this mistake first time round and this is second. Any third time will not involve me.
The three Cs: you haven't Caused the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. You can enable it or inhibit it (to a limited extent) but the final choice between gambling and recovery is his alone. You can't fix it, he has to take responsibility for sorting himself out. Best advice is to focus on you. His recovery does not depend on you, telling you that is manipulation. His failures are issues for him to address at GA or via counselling, your job is to deal with how this is affecting you. Tell someone in RL, call GC, try GamAnon if you can get to a meeting.
re depression, there is a link and a downward spiral; being depressed promotes the "what's the point" thinking that gambling thrives on, which results in becoming even lower after all is lost. But addiction has its own distorted thinking and my understanding is that depression and addiction each require their separate solutions. It's fine to alert his GP but don't do anything that you wouldn't otherwise be prepared to do because of the threat of self harm. And the GP is not a substitute for a program of recovery. He'll find the help he needs at GA or via GC.
Look after you.
CW
He is moving out today. I have told him that I don't mind the fact that the shop isn't taking much money (if indeed it isn't - I did wonder about this yesterday) an the fact that he's not paying to live at the house - which is in my name. But I can't take the fact that he is on his phone all the time - which got me an eye roll..... I am in bits and I know that I am doing the right thing for me, it's just so hard. If I'd have know this is what he was like I would never have married him or gone out with him even though he is my or though he was my soulmate.
Hi, again,
Addiction's really cruel and it does take away our soulmates. I thought I knew my husband, I thought that I'd married my best friend but after one to two decades of gambling behind my back, I didn't recognise what he'd become. It was a very gradual decline, looking back, I can't believe I tolerated what I did. Now we're trying to rebuild, things aren't bad at the moment but it's not been easy and it will only work if he can reverse long term corrupted thinking and we can both reverse long term patterns of behaviour. Starting with his unequivocal commitment to recovery.
Get real life help and support for you, don't be coaxed into keeping the secret. And regardless of how much he rolls his eyes, don't feel guilty for expecting of him what you should expect of him: first call on his love and attention. There's no virtue in tolerating the behaviour that goes with active gambling.
Take care of you.
CW
Thanks for the advice. I know I have to do the right thing for me and I think that unfortunatley for him I have go to the end of my tether there is only so much any of us can do to help them. It is very painful to actually know how much I have put up with and helped him. These last couple of days I have been so upset and where was he stood up in the lounge playing on his phone. He thinks he is very clever and has an answer for everything and I have started to see it for what it is " selfishness" on his part and this is where it has got us or him.
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