My partner is a gambling addict. He has gambled since he was a teenager and he's now 32. We've been together 8 years this year and have just had a baby. He was honest about his gambling problem when we first got together so it's not something I've just discovered. I thought he'd hit rock bottom 2 years ago when he 'borrowed' money from work to gamble and ended up with a conviction for fraud narrowly avoiding prison. But no it seems even that hasn't made him stop. When we found out I was expecting I took out a loan for him to consolidate his debts so he would just owe me one amount each month instead of paying out to different lenders. It was a chance to wipe the slate clean and I said that that would have to mean not adding further debts. I've just discovered he's been gambling again since I've had the baby and has maxed a credit card he got behind my back, been borrowing money off a friend and taking out payday loans again. We've tried everything in the past to help him from counselling, and hypnotherapy to me having control of his finances, he self excludes, we have blocking software on the laptop...but basically there is always a way for him to get money and gamble. I'm at the point where for our sons sake I don't want us to carry on like this. As much as I love him and I don't want our son to grow up with separated parents I don't know what else I can do for him. I am seriously concerned at the effect his gambling could have on our future. I am also worried that if we do split up he will take his own life and the thought devastates me. I don't want to split up but I want what's best for our son and mentally it's beginning to take its toll on me too. He says he does it because he wants to be able to have more out of life i.e. to afford to not work so he can spend time with us, to go on holidays etc etc. Basically he thinks one big win could solve all his problems but at the same time he hates gambling and wants to stop. I'm struggling to get my head around why he can't just be happy with what he's got. It makes me feel like we're not enough for him (another reason I think maybe we should go our separate ways). I just don't know what to do for the best and whether there is any hope for us? Is there anything else I can do to help him try and stop?
Hi
Sadly a CG who doesn't want to stop won't and as you've discovered will find a way round any block. Wiping the slate clean for them doesn't work either although it's a natural reaction and a lot of us have fallen into the trap of doing it.
They can all justify why they're doing it but it's thinking skewed by the addiction. Even if that elusive big win did come in it's not going to do the CG or their family any good because it's invariably back with the bookie in very short order usually followed by more of their own funds. They can't win because they can't stop.
A CG will prioritise gambling over everything and everyone. It's a slow road to insanity to wonder why we're not enough. Unless and until he's ready to stop you can't do anything to help. You are right to put your own and your son's interests first and you need to keep on doing that. You're not responsible for your husband's decisions whatever they may be but you do have choices in how you respond to what he's doing (or not) and where you draw the line.
If and when he's ready to stop there's a wealth of advice and help out there for him and yes, it can be done. There are posters here with significant gf time under their belts and GA meetings will have members with decades worth but the CG has to be 100% committed and determined to do all it takes however inconvenient or potentially embarrassing. In the meantime my advice would be to protect yourself financially, read all you can about the addiction and get RL support from trusted friends and family. Look into counselling and groups such as GamAnon for support too. Gamcare offer a free counselling service. Keep putting yourself first.
Hi,
There is no 'we' about it. Only he can get himself help and it has to come from within. I like you did think that it was a case of me being able to help my husband and that he could overcome it but ultimately it all comes down to him, there is absiolutelt nothing you can do or say to make him stop. But it doesn't mean you are powerless, you can still do what is right for you, you can still protect yourself i.e. don't take on or consilidate any future debts etc. It sounds like he is in complete denial if he thinks that he need to have a big win and have a quality of life. He needs to get real, that isn't real life. People have jobs and work hard and not gamble and then they can have a quality of life, family time and life does not need to be expensive, quality of life can be achieved without expense. Of course it would be lovely not to have to work and go on holiday etc etc but it is never going to happen while he is gambling. And your son needs a role model, a father who works hard for his family.
I too am struggling atm between my children having separated parents and living with a cg and the effect it has on our children. I perosnally decided (after going through trying again and trying to help him) for us to live apart. This was only a few weeks ago and I am happy to say that he has just this week taken steps and gone to the GA meetings which he seems v positive about. I am under no illusions as to the lenght of time for recovery and it does not mean that he is moving back in but at least now he fully admits he is a gambler (before it was just a phase that got out of hand according to him) so it is a step in the right direction.
Not going to lie, my kids are suffering, as they are so young (6,3,2) it has come out in the form of them biting, hitting, messing, laughing at me when I tell them off etc) but this option does outweigh them living and growing up in a household with moodswings, arguments etc. I hope that we can eventually be parents who are together but I know that really it is all up to him. And tbh the people on these forums have really helped me see that and there is a good weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that I actually can do nothing but look after myself and my kids.
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