I prayed I'd never be back but here I am. Previously my boyfriend had lied for 3 years before I found out about his gambling and 12k of debt. I stuck by him, paid off a big chunk of the debt which he paid me back in full. Things were looking up.
But recently I started getting this niggling feeling again. I asked to see his bank account a couple times and he refused - first time because he said he'd bought Xmas presents and didn't want me seeing the payments. Second time he said he was plotting something.
The kicker is we've been together 10 years and aren't engaged. So every time he alluded to making plans, I assumed he was planning a proposal, so I didn't insist on seeing his bank account.
Last night I was super suspicious and for first time ever I went through his bag and found a letter from the bank alluding to a £3.5k overdraft. I again started asking if he'd gambled without saying I knew about the letter. He said no. He then told me he'd put deposits down on things for a proposal and didn't want to ruin the surprise.
Honestly I almost believed it, until he swore he no longer had a credit card. I then confronted him and of course it all came out. He managed 1.5 years then relapsed in September. He's over 8k back in debt after blowing all his savings that I'd helped him build up.
I'm heartbroken. I told him if he lied to me he'd be out the door, but the reality is so different. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't want to be without him.
Is there any way past this?! Is there any hope left?
Thank you for sharing with us what is happening to you, this sounds very difficult to cope with and I can hear how painful it is. I wanted to let you know that GamCare offers support to people like yourself who are affected by someone else's gambling harms. Not only do we have a chatrooms for friends and family (Tuesdays at 12pm and Thursdays at 6pm), but we also have a virtual support group which you can read about here: Way Forward: Virtual Support Group for Women - GamCare. 1-2-1 support from a practitioner is also available to you: Find local support - GamCare. If you would like to chat anything through about these options or to just get some immediate support, you can call the helpline on 0808 8020 133.
Do take care, and all the best
Jane
Forum Admin
Hi Hannah
There is always hope, however it won't be easy, you need to talk to him and get to the bottom of why he is gambling? Does he actually want to stop or does he just not want to lose what he has? You sound like a very supportive girlfriend who has already helped him overcome major debt once, which is often once more than a lot would. Becareful not to push him too much to open up about it all too quick as he could just shut off completely.
The question you also need to ask if what you want from life also? Life with a gambler can be hard and this may not be the last relapse even with help, can you rebuild the trust? We don't like to answer about our gambling and often make it harder for people to understand. If he is willing to get help, talk about gambling openly and possibly even give you more control of his finances then there is still hope.
I wish you and your partner all the best fingers crossed you can come through this
I married my gambler. I knew about his gambling but down played it and told myself he could stop. We've had 3 major incidents when gambling has cone out since being married (only 18mon). I've found out again. I can't and won't do it again. It impacts my wellbeing and mental health. It makes me paranoid and controlling and that's now who I am or want to be. He has the addiction but yet I feel like I'm the one that suffers. For me I think enough is enough. I was naive thinking it would change or be manageable. It's not
@brugjetyqo I'm so sorry you're having to go through that. I still don't know what to do in my situation. We're still together but every instinct I have says he's just going to do it again 😞
@brownie889 thanks for the support. He's now in therapy and also going to GA twice a week. But I just feel so naive to believe it can all be fine again. I don't know how to act around him. Is acting like everything is fine just going to make him gamble again? Do I need to be angrier to make him feel proper consequences? I really don't know 🙁
@zoailrwugh sounds like he has taken the right steps but he also needs to see it through to show you true change.
You need to act open and honest around him. No point acting like all is okay if it isn't. At the same time you can't hold it all against him if you want to move forward as a couple.
It's a long, hard, complicated process which takes a lot of work from both sides not just the gambler, which I know doesn't seem fair when they are the ones putting your relationshipin this situation..fingers crossed for you both 🙂🙂
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
