Just found out my partner is a gambling addict

So sorry to hear your situation.  I was your husband once upon a time.

The answer is yes he absolutely can change however it has to be on your terms.  

Primarily you need to get his credit reports.  He may have told you 35k but I suspect it's higher if you haven't seen evidence yourself.  If he resists this and showing you bank statements there is a red flag there.  Take control of finances, again if he resists or gets defensive it's another red flag.  He says he has self-excluded...that's not enough as there are dozens of sites he can join.  He needs to sign up to Gamban for the maximum 5 year period as this will prevent him opening any new accounts.  The onus is on him to prove to you he's serious.  You need to protect yourself and the children, not him.  

Put steps in place to remove the access to funds to gamble and it can work.  You need to be firm with your terms moving forward.  Ultimately if he isn't ready to stop he won't regardless of what he tells you.  Gamblers lie through their teeth if it means there is a possibility of a next bet.

Keep posting and protest yourself and the children.

Im not preaching here as I've been him but now I am far from him so if he wants to he can absolutely turn it around and you can be together 

Best of luck 

Help him. But you HAVE to take all control of the finances and support him. I wish my ex helped me but instead she did the opposite and having no support from the person you love is the worst thing. It's an illness. You can help him but it's going to take time and you have to talk to him about it everyday too

@fighter_1 Thank you so much for your reply. I have told some family members and a trusted friend, but i don’t think anyone understands  so your reply is much appreciated. 

That is useful practical advice so I’ll ensure he gives me access to everything. If he will. He has an appointment next week for assessment for treatment. He is very good at telling people what they want to hear though, so I’m worried he’s manipulating me.

It still doesn’t feel real and I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe I’ve been so blind and trusting. We both have decent jobs but never have money, and it just didn’t click with me. I feel so stupid.

im scared of staying with him and this happening again. A huge part of me wants to split up but the children will be devastated. If we didn’t have kids I’d leave right now. 

@x-m thank you, I really appreciate your reply. I do want to support him but I’ve realised I’ve spent years inadvertently enabling him. Maybe I am part of the problem too?

it’s hard to get past that he’s done this to me and the kids. I understand it’s an illness but at the same time I don’t understand if that makes sense? 

@noclue I would ask him what he’s doing to help himself and follow up with proof. It’s extremely difficult for a compulsive gambler to just stop and sort themselves out, and often they’ll tell you what you want to hear. Often it’s about keeping the peace and enabling them to carry on gambling. I include myself in this over many years.

When stopping gambling, the money will take care of itself. It might take time but it’s fixable. You’ve already mentioned the trust that’s been lost but it can be rebuilt. As you’ve only just found out I’d ask you don’t give up just yet. There might be a time when you decide enough is enough but give him a chance to redeem himself.

How can he rebuild your trying? By talking to you. By showing you his accounts. By getting help for his addiction.

I’m a big Gambler’s Anonymous advocate and I’d advise him to go to meetings to get the help they offer with other compulsive gamblers.

GA also has a branch called Gam-Anon, for the partners, families and supporters of problem gamblers to help you be among others who understand. Your friends won’t understand and can be easily judgemental, but another partner of a gambler understands what you’re going through and can give you their experience and how they helped themselves. 
Good luck in your decision.

Chris.

@chris-uk thank you so much for your advice. It is very much appreciated.

I’m so wary of him telling me what I want to hear, it’s interesting to hear from your perspective. 

you are right about feeling judged, I’ve told one friend and she very much feels I should leave. I need some space and time before I make a decision, as well as understanding what I’m dealing with. I’ll look at the sites you mentioned.

Thank you for taking the time to comment and help. 

If u stay you must give the person limited access to money.  I go to the shop sometimes and my legs gravitate towards the bookies. Part of it is a habit and the early stages of a habit mean no cash. Use gamstop and sit there while he bans himself. Im about to ban myself from every bookies.  Also you can still bet foreign websites so cash card only for him no debit card. Snap up every credit card and open all his post. He wont mean to be deceiptful its part of the addiction it comes part and parcel. Its embarrasing and soul destroying to admit this weakness even the strong willed normally sensible people can be addicts.  An addiction doesnt make a bad person but the actions they do destroy other people and cause themselves to self destruct.  If u stay and implement all these things you are protecting your family from futher issues down the line. Any wages have to go into your bank. If u stay u have to make the rules. Give an addict an inch and they take a mile this is coming from an addict who has a partner too laid back. Now u know this is a good thing u can protect your future finances if u stand firm. Its your choice but its not easy beating an addiction and help intervention is needed. If i had a partner that forced all this on me then maybe i wouldnt be on here tonight. 

@spottydog thank you for the reply, that’s really helpful. I have been quite laidback in the past about finances, so I do blame myself. I’m unsure if he will agree to all of the things you’ve suggested but if he doesn’t then that’s it for us. I just feel like I don’t know him, I had no real idea this was happening and I just feel so stupid.

@noclue 

Would love to know how things have gone? I am a gambler and I desperately want to stop. I have a 4 year old and an amazing wife - I want to tell my wife, I need to tell my wife BUT I really dont know how to break it to her.

Any advice in hindsight, how you would have liked to get the news from your husband?

Thanks in advance.

@wishididntgamble I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. It’s great that you want to stop. You sound like you have a lovely family, and every reason to turn this around. 

I’m not sure I’m the best person to ask as things are not great here. What I’m struggling with is I found out by accident. It will be so much better if you come clean to your wife. Be honest, ask for support, forgiveness, apologise and seek help. Be totally honest, don’t minimise what you’ve done. 

my partner is trying to minimise it, trying to blame me in part. I just can’t get over the lies, it almost feels like he’s had an affair. If he’d told me, been honest and open I think I could have tried to move on. At the moment we are being civil for the kid’s sake until Christmas but I have no idea what next year will bring.

I really hope you can sort this out, and wish you and your family all the best x 

@noclue 

Thank you for the reply.

Finding out by accident would obviously make things worse, especially when you are then being blamed for part of it too. I take full responsibility, this is 100% me and what I've done. I hope your partner is able to take responsibility and accept what has been done, I'm sure that would be a step in the right direction and hopefully lead to something that can be fixed in time. 

I think it makes a big difference wanting to speak about it rather than being 'found out' - that may be where your partner is struggling to accept it, where he hasn't acknowledged the problem even exists to the full extent of it. 

I hope you're able to work things out, all the best for your family too.

I think for anyone wanting to tell their partner just do it. Get it over and done with. We are never going to improve if we not honest. It is leading a double life.

It feels better once they know. Half the anxiety is sneaking around trying to win money to put back the losses and making the situation worse and worse. 

Worst case scenario is they cant cope with it and walk. Best case scenario is they support. But once they know the person with the addiction has to put their plan into action or risk loosing the person that supports them.

You know when someone has totally had enough of gambling cos they sick of themselves, sick if it all and come to places like this and meetings to get as much help as possible.

My advice to a partner of a gambler is that if they not willing to do all of these things, all the blocks, handing their finances over then they far from the point of stopping and in my early days if i was the partner of myself i would have took off and kept running.

The risks of loosing the roof over your head and bills etc in these times are scary. A full on gambling addict in these cost of living crisis most people are only 1 months pay from being homeless. The only way is to take over all the finances. A gambling addict can blow a whole wage in less than 2 hours. Thats the seriousness of the situation.

When we admit the losses you can normally double or treble the amount.  I dont think to this day anyone knows my full amounts apart from me. If ive lost 50 its more like 200 if ive lost  a few hundred to people it could be a grand but im so embarrased by what i have done. I say ive messed up but really i have immensly messed up. 

There are 3 ways to go with this

Split up

Stay together

Split up until they have show they are willing to change- if they dont get the help walk away you have gave them a chance and lowers the risk to your finances keeping seperate to them while they sort it out. May be enough to shock them into doing something more severe if u feel they not taking it serious or blaming u for their errors in life. They need to accept what they have done, that they have an addiction and that they need help

@noclue I easily could’ve written every word of this myself so I completely understand your devastation, worry for your kids and future and hurt that the lies and broken trust have caused. 
I love my husband dearly and want to support him but just can’t believe he could betray me and choose to risk all we have and financial security for our kids for this. 
I’m curious as to how things have worked out for you.