I'm new to all of this so please forgive me if I drone on, and to be honest, I'm not really writing this post to ask any specific questions as such, I just feel like I need to put everything in writing as my partner isn't very sympathetic at the moment seen as he is the one with 'the problem'. So I'm 23 years old, my partner is 24. I've always known he's had an issue with gambling and has been self excluded from bookies for quite a long time, he does still gamble every now and again, the odd football bet here and there but nothing extravagant, it's pretty normal, social gambling. June last year he had a minor blow out and spent about £500 on a bet. It wasn't a big deal but he seemed distraught at the time as he felt he had a serious problem. So he promised me from then on, if he felt like he wanted to go into a bookies or place a bet, he would call me first, not so I could tell him off or talk him out of it but just so when he goes into the bookies I can monitor how long he is in there or how much he is spending, that way he is gambling in a controlled way and doesn't feel like he's missing out, also I felt at the time that if I made him promise never to gamble again, then when he does (because it is inevitable that he will) he feels like he can talk to me before the problem starts rather than having to hide it from me. We bought our first house in January and I am currently 33 weeks pregnant with his first child (a little boy). I found out this weekend just gone that he's been gambling again, but much worse than before! When we bought our house we got a £10,000 loan in order to do up the property, which is fine, that has been in my account and we have only used it for that. Then in feb he said that he thought it would be a good idea to consolidate all of his Credit Cards so got a loan of approx. £11k to cover the cost of them all as the monthly repayment on a loan was cheaper than what we were paying in interest on all of his CC's, also, we knew that we would be debt free at the end of the loan period! Pretty sensible I thought. Turns out that he now has £4-5k racked up on his Cards again. I am due to start maternity leave in May! We had planned to be able to pay for the loans and the mortgage and still survive quite comfortably while providing for a new child. Now hes gone and spent £5k on gambling! £3,500 of that was put into roulette in a single transaction! I've also found out that he has more credit cards going to his mums address!! I feel like he only told me because I suspected and so backed him into a corner and it scares me how much further it could have gone had I not found out when I did! I love him more than anything and a big part of me wants to help him but the other part of me feels sick that he could do this to me and his unborn child. It's like we don't matter. When he told me, i didn't get angry or shout I just asked questions to find out how bad it was and told him that in order for me to trust him again he needs to give me all of his accounts cards and statements for each. He has kind of obliged although I still don't have all of his CC's. But he asks me yesterday if I could 'have a look to buy him a new brake for his bike' and he wants to join a charity football team for £50! I know these are only small sums, but I've started buying cheaper food and looked into buying cheap make nappies etc for our baby in order to save money and he just wants £50 here and £100 there. It makes me so angry I just want to punch him! Like how can he be so blindly selfish! He doesn't even deserve my time at the moment let alone the fact that I'm trying to remain as normal as possible and still make him dinner and still make him lunch for work, and do all the housework, when all I really want to do is scream at him and make him do it all himself! And he has the nerve to ask for money!! I've tried to raise the subject with him and tell him how I feel but as soon as I mention the weekend, he automatically shuts off and says he doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want us getting into an argument. It's like he's oblivious to my feelings, like I should feel sorry for him because he has some sort of 'illness' I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive but he doesn't have an illness he is just weak and selfish! And I'm so angry at him! I find myself crying at every little thing and as much as I'd love to blame it on the pregnancy hormones, it isn't, he has just made me feel so distant. He was my best friend as well as my partner and I hate that I can't even talk to him at the moment or that he's too absorbed in his own self pity to ask how I'm coping or how im feeling. I just think why bother you know? Yeah he's doing councelling and trying to get better, but what about me?? What about how I feel, or rather... How he's made me feel! Don't i matter ? Doesn't our unborn son matter?? I'm supposed to support him, but who supports us??
Hi Abbie,
I'm a former CG. I've read your post and you've put your point of view across very well.
Other people with far better credentials than me will probably give great advice on here.
For my part I would suggest you contact Gam-Anon which is for family and friends of CG's.
You need to take over the reins of the finances entirely as you suggest in your post. Allow him any leeway there and an already bad situation could become an absolute disaster. He has to begin to learn the value of money and where his priorities are.
Best Wishes for the future.
On the plus side he is going for counselling and hopefully it will help him to quit.
Hi Abbie37
I am a recovering CG.
Your feelings re your husband are quite normal with regard to a gambling partner. I agree with MrStop re Gamanon, however that will have to wait until after the birth of your baby boy. Congratulations! š
In the meantime possibly you could talk to a Gamcare counsellor. Talking about problems is healthy for you and the baby.
Your husband will not stop gambling unless he wants to. There is no magic pill that will prevent him from having a bet, he has to want to stop and get the help that he needs.
re money: Taking control of all his finances is the first step, getting him to admit to all debts is the next one. As you have discovered, bailing out a CG money-wise does not assist anyone. If he is still gambling he will use the new found credit for his addiction. You have to limit his access to money.
Inform family and friends of your problems. Develop your support network so they can help you cope with living with the problems he is causing.
Stay in touch on this forum. There are plenty of people who are in your position, or have been in your position who will be able to offer advice and support.
Best wishes
Hi Abbie
I really feel for you. I love a good rant on here too. I think it does help being able to write it all down and it's been great place for me.
Congrats - not long now! I hope you manage to concentrate and enjoy looking forward to the birth and meeting your little man!
I can't really give any good advise because I feel exactly as you do and have done for a while. But I do completely understand. It is absolutely normal to feel as you do. Absorbed in their own self pity sums it up really well. I've been sobbing next to my husband before and he couldn't even bring himself to look at me- never mind give me a hug!
Keep reading and posting on here- I have been given great advise and support.
Try to concentrate on you and your baby. I know that's really hard but your little man is more important than your big one.
Wishing you all the best.
Hi Abbie,
Drone away that's what we are here for to hopefully give you some peace of mind that you aren't alone. We are all experiencing the same emotions and know how hard and frustrating it all is. When I first came on here I was asking myself the same questions, Why aren't we enough? Why can he stop? The support on here was amazing getting me into the frame of mind I am in now. It's not my fault it's his, I didn't create the situation he did. It's all his choice not yours. Keep your finances separate from his so it doesn't affect you and your baby and do not bail him out In any way, you need to take control of all the finances whether he likes it or not. He needs a reality check. The gambling demon in them doesn't have any emotions, my husband would look right through me while I sobbed and begged him to be better for the kids. Nothing. He needs help and maybe you could coax him in the right direction of calling gam anon and getting a councillor? Please continue to vent on here and good luck with your little boy.
Gem xx
Thank you everyone for your replies! I wasn't expecting any pour soul to get to the bottom of my essay let alone reply! š
I have been in touch with gamcare and they are setting up an assessment for counselling for me, my partner also had a call last night from the councillor booking him in for his first assessment tonight and I don't doubt that he will go. It's such a weird situation because I know your not supposed to trust a gambler (or rather, it would be silly to) but I would trust him with my life and when he told me about it he was genuinely more cut up about the fact he had broken his promise to me than blown the money.
We have always had a pretty perfect relationship, we can talk to each other about anything and stupid things like he'd rather take me to a football game than go with one of the lads because we've always been best friends (we were friends long before we were a couple) but after this it feels like we don't have that anymore, and that was literally my favourite thing about the relationship.
You always hear of couples that are Blissfully happy but we genuinely had no problems between us, the only problems that we had were always external issues that we fought together as a unit, this one feels different though, he's going off and having his counselling, I'm going off and having mine, there's no communication. he's always been the one I go to when I have an issue, he's my rock, you know? And now i have to just not depend on him in case I can't trust him.
When I forget about this weekend for a split second everything is normal again but as soon as I remember again it's like this weight comes back, I spend most of my day crying sporadically. Don't get me wrong I'm so angry at him that he spent all that money and lied to me and felt he couldn't talk to me sooner, but it could have been a lot worse and he is trying to get help. I just want this feeling to go away, I don't feel like I can support him when I'm feeling like this, 75% of me wants to cuddle him and tell him everything will be okay and help him through, but then the other 25% is scared to let my guard down again in case next time it's worse but then if I'm not giving him all of me, can I expect him to give me all of of him? And if I'm not willing to give him 100% it's actually me that's stopping our relationship being the way it was (albeit because of him).
Yep I know how all that feels. One of our worst arguments was when Mr P wanted me to cut short maternity leave and go back to work sooner because we had no money and somehow this was my fault. For what its worth, toddlechops is now two and a half and i still havent returned to work because we can live cofortably on our income and i am in no rush to pay off mr P s debts, he can earn every d**n penny back and the longer they sit therelooking at him, the longer he is going to spend being reminded of what he did to us.
But the money is the easy bit, it doesnt even matter to me,which is probably why i am happy with a single wage.
What matters is the lies, the relentless lies and bullying. As you get to know the site, you'll find i am one of the lucky ones who's partner is proud of and enjoying his recovery, so i can look back and know what was most damaging. It wasnt the money.
I couldnt have got to the happier place i am in now without my gamanon group, i had reached a point where i didnt really speak to anyone i was so depressed and confused and bitter, but now, you'll notice, I cant shut up, talking is the best therapy there is, none of this was my fault just like none of this is yours, but we bear the burden, so our support groups and counsellors are priceless.
keep talking
And i trust mr Pangolin with my life, with our childrens lives, but not the bank cards, love and money are very seperate things now, i trsut his love but i dont trust him with money. It works.
Hi Abbie37
I have no doubt that you could trust him with your life, in the literal sense.
There are a lot of issues that you are dealing with here, so feel free to voice your feelings and concerns. Gamblers lie, deceive, break promises, steal, beg, borrow, default on loans, hock anything etc.etc. We also hurt our loved ones. This is the worst aspect of our gambling. Counselling and/or Gamanon meetings can help you with the emotional hurt that you feel.
You can not trust him with money. You have the right to doubt his word, after all, he has proved himself to be a liar, as are all gamblers.
It is very common for gamblers to wallow in self pity. When we are gambling we are very shallow and self centred. The world could blow up and we could care less, as long as we are able to have a punt. We feel ashamed of what we have done, and yet, we know we will do it all again.
Take heart with the fact that he is going to see a counsellor, that is a positive sign. His actions in addressing his problem will be telling. This is not an easy addiction to beat (is there an easy one?), so he will have to be diligent.
The main concern for you now is the upcoming birth of your little fella. I hope all goes well and that you come back here with good news on both fronts.
Take care
Hi Abbie,
My husband and I are exactly the same, best friends. We do everything together and I tell him everything. It's so hard when the one person who makes you feel better and who you want to talk to is the person who hurts you and isolates you. It's a horrible situation. He also had no trigger this time as to why he went and gambled he just had the urge and gave into it and spiraled out of Control. I too trust him with my life and always will, just never ever with money. Our emotions with them spring from one extreme to the other, sympathy then pure anger at the situation. There doesn't seem to be an inbetween for me. I'm trying though just like you. We are some of the fortunate ones of having them want to change and get help but it's taken weeks to get here for me this time. Good luck with everything and I hope he can make it up to you š xx
I think ive entered a new phase in all this now whereby I'm still hung up and angry about this weekends events, but my new fear is when (not if, when) this happens again, let's face it, we're in our 20s this is definitely going to happen again, how bad is it going to be?! And how do you live in constant fear of his next relapse? He's quit before so I don't doubt that he can do it again, but now he's relapsed, I also have no doubt he'll do that again, which I can accept. But the fear of not knowing how bad or when is what scares me.
In my eyes, money does come and go, it would be handy if this hadn't happened but it's about £5k and its repairable. But I've read stories on here of how people haven't found out for years and when they do, it's tens of thousands!
I have never wanted to own a time machine more in my entire life! I just wish this hadn't happened and that he'd stayed on track š
It is definitely reassuring to know that couples can come through this and still have a relationship because although I don't want to be blinded by love, I am in love with him and at the moment I'm not happy but I won't be happy without him either. I just can't imagine my life without him! So thank you all again for helping me see that xx
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