Hi everyone,
Finding this thread really useful and I'm so glad some CG's have taken their time to give insight.
Bit new to this so bear with me. My partner is an addict, I thought we'd cracked it and to my knowledge he'd gone 2 years no gambling after us both having fave to face counseling as individuals.... Found out yesterday that unfortunately that's not been the case.
He's had issues with gambling before he met me but seemed to have it under control. After being together 5 years he had a car accident and spent 10 months in hospital, and has life changing injuries which is why I have alot of empathy with him and feel like his addiction is trigger based.
When I sat down with him yesterday, this occasion stems from being back in hospital last year and he has rocked up 13k worth of debt as well as spending our wedding savings yesterday as well as his wages so the mortgage & bills are on me this month. He's gone to the extent of trading in the penny jar, exchanging euro I had left over from my holiday to feed his habit in the hopes he can get himself out of it.
I'm stuck in a massive dilemma; I love him so much but over the past 7 years we've been together I have sacrificed so much of myself. When we first moved in together he was still at uni so I took the financial hit, I've supported the last 3 years he has been in hospital or at hospital twice a week in physio rehab and never begrudged him of our life changing - just glad he is alive and still has a life. With gambling I feel like he's taking all that away for himself, I don't want that for him.
The person I know is kind, caring but then I sit & reflect wondering that even after 7 years do I really know him at all. He's never been good at communicating his feels (I'm quite the opposite) so I struggle with it. Am I that unapproachable? I've asked throughout his secret 10 month gambling stint if he's even thought about it, so has his mum dad and best friend & he's said not even a twitch. I understand the lies that underpin it but my fear is that each time it's like he learns to be more secretive with it, more deceptive & find more creative ways to get money because 'this time it felt different'
He has said he needs help & I will support him emotionally but I'm being strong focusing on the fact it has to come through him. He has to tell me what he needs, not me telling him he needs support. He's booked back in with the face to face counseling on Monday so has already taken the first step which is positive.... But I still can't get the picture of what my future looks like if this cycle continues because it's not a healthy one
Hi Hurtsalot, welcome to the site 🙂 Sorry to hear your pain but another CG here confirming your worse fears that this is progressive & we become more & more adept @ disguising our losses.
Firstly, regardless of whether or not he appears to have had his gambling under control @ any point, he doesn't now & neither will he ever again until he starts choosing "No".
Secondly, as much as life changing injuries are terrible for a person to cope with, your life has been altered too & so as much as this is indeed a trigger for addiction, it's also a rather convenient excuse for a pity party. It certainly doesn't bode well that he has continued to lie to you throughout his breakout (once is a relapse, twice maybe, not 10 months of chaos & outright lies) & I would absolutely agree that he is throwing you away. Him not coming to you has very little to do with how approachable you are or aren't & very much to do with maintaining his secrecy...Once it's out, it becomes way harder to gamble & our fairytale world comes crashing down around us.
Be careful of even letting him tell you what he needs...Recovery has to come from him. I kinda realised I may have a problem shortly before I arrived here, a 3 decade veteran of gambling & had started trying to address it by drip feeding my now husband...He couldn't have done anymore & yet every loss I had was pinned firmly on his chest because he didn't.
You need to reconsider further support either through counselling again or GamAnon to help you figure out your boundaries of acceptance & lay them down for him. Counselling is great but there's no longevity & recovery is a long hard road. My delusions of being an altogether sound (albeit approaching middle age) woman literally fell to piece around me when I stopped gambling...I don't really know myself as an adult so it is entirely possible that you have fallen in love with a persona.
As an aside, you can never trust him again with money & that in itself can be really hard work. You need full access to his finances, including credit reports & if I were you, I wouldn't be taking this hit. Let him figure out a repayment plan to put back what he has stolen & reimburse his share of this month's bills...We need to feel the consequences of our actions & not get off lightly because that gives the illusion of "getting away with it".
It doesn't get much more unhealthy than the cycle of addiction but lock down the finances & you don't need to make any rash decisions. In the meantime, tell who you need to & try & look after you - ODAAT
Thank ODAAT, I agree I need to lock down our financial assets and have asked him to sign the house over to me.
My fear is if/when (I'm under no illusions) it happens again how creative he will become. Will there be loan sharks or bailiff knocking down my front door? I don't know if I can live with the worry. He has alot of support and only he knows where his own head is at, I'm constantly in the dark and that's hard. I've already said to him I need space to think about my own needs as I always put him first so he's gone to live with his mum.
I need to see actions from him that haven't been prompted by myself or his mum for his own sake.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. It help alot to get unbiased insight from people who are struggling whether they are CG or f&f.
Take care
I'm with you Hurtsalot, i also think about how creative my partner will be in coming up with new lies and ways of gambling. I guess my current thinking is 'I don't care' - i can support myself financially, have all financial controls, can leave at short notice and I think i am preparing myself for this option which i did not think about in the past. He had to sort out all the bank stuff himself and kept me in the loop, i prompted ga and account access only. If he gets into another debt he will be the person to deal with it as I will never help with it; he may be a relatively decent human being at other times but I am not his mother and will do necessary basics but will not bend over backwards to deal with his addiction. I have children and myself to think about. Our relationship is currently non-
existant except for childcare and I don't honestly know if there is a point in trying to build it back.
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