Life goes on

This is nice to hear. Rome wasn't built in a day was it, even with all the tools to feel better at our fingertips, sometimes we get a bit overwhelmed again.

Funnily enough I've just had a trying couple of weeks of my own, Mr P has been fine, still not gambling, but other things got me down and a bit of paranoia crept in, suddenly everything Mr P did looked like he might be gambling again. GA have obviously helped him find some inner strength because he has waited for the couple of weeks where I was unreachable, hasn't argued too much when I have been snappy, calmly withstood the hissy fit, and quietly got on with the things he knew would work eventually while I interpretted every reassurance he tried to give as manipulation. Anyway, storm passed, the things I feared did not materialise and my world is also a happier place again. Nothing specific to look forward too beyond the every day things I do that I like, but every little thing adds up to a large amount of happiness and I e learned a little bit more about managing me and my feelings. We will never be finished, we will always be learning and seeing things in different lights until we are six feet under.

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Hi

Thanks Pangolin.

Sorry to hear you've had a rough couple of weeks and pleased its worked out ok. I think we would all feel just the same as you did with Mr P given the circumstances. I know I would I dont think that edge of caution will ever go away and its probably a good thing, we've all had to learn the hard way.

The fact that Mr P has behaved ok when you had doubts speaks well of his recovery, and anyone in recovery should in my opinion stand there and take the hissy fits. I know that if my son suddenly got well today, I wont ever trust him fully, theres been too much damage done.

Hes told me so many times that I should trust him, and does the I cant believe you dont trust your own son speech. I told him that if he gets well he will have to be ready to accept this and eager to prove himself and do what ever it takes to get back to having a good relationship. He says Im just a bad Mum.

My counsellor tells me to trust my gut instinct and so far its always proven to be right, and it tells me that we are going to have to go our seperate ways, he doesnt want to get well. Its too hard to keep watching him hurt himself and us time after time and it has to stop at some point. My counsellor asked me if it was his bad behaviour or his gambling I disliked the most and I said I could live with a gambler as long as he could at least be polite to us but thats not true any more, I dont want to live with a gambler full stop, I want a happy home life with people I love and trust and this isnt it. Im tired of walking on egg shells, having to think about what I say to him before I even open my mouth in case it gives him cause "to kick off", tired of locking my hand bag away, the list goes on and on. This isnt a home its just somewhere we happen to live and I want a happy home, hopefully he will be part of that it but if not Im prepared to walk away from him. I know weve done everything we possibly can to be good parents and do our best for him but no matter how much you try and want something to be ok sometimes its just not and we have to accept it.

I too have learned a lot about myself, some good and some Im not too happy about but none the less lessons learned, and I think Im a better person for them good and bad.

Its lovely to have something to look forward to and I just wish Id seen that I have some good things in life already but I missed them in the chaos.

Hi as67

So very happy that you have come to this point. Boundaries in place, acceptance and a form of contentment with your lot, and something good in your life that has given you your 'light bulb' moment. Life does go on. Being able to truly enjoy and appreciate the simple things in life is wonderful. A magnificent sunset, a walk in the park, birds bathing in my bird bath... things I never appreciated.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

PS, I am not religious, but this little prayer helps me a great deal in my recovery.

Take care

Hi as67

I too based much of my life on what was happening in my son's life- was he getting better, did he want to get better, was he lieing to us, and so on. Absolutely exhausting and useless! I think eventually we get to the point where its just enough. There is a life that can be lived with joy and peace when we are ready to shed the shackles of our son's addictions. We will always love them but its not fair to ourselves, our spouses, our other children, friends etc to let our addicts take us down with them. If it was a matter of love this would have been solved years ago!

My son has had another slip. It hurts but it is not my deal. Each time it affects me less and this time he just went quietly back to his GA group. That is where he needs to get the support he needs.

Take care and I'm glad you have had an epiphany of sorts!

Hugs

Cathy

Hi Amom

Sorry to hear your son has slipped up, I know how hurt you feel (hugs) and you are right every time this happens it affects us a little less. I know this is for my son to deal with, I dont offer help of any sort anymore, and thats a big deal for me, I always wanted to help. I know he has a couple of points during the week when he finds it particularly hard, i.e payday and each week it would be "Mum can you help me with" what ever it is that week, but each week that comes buy theres an excuse not to or he stays out all night. I know within hours all his money will be gone again and then his moods change and its Mum Ive slipped up again and Im supposed to be going out with friends ( or which ever lie hes fabricated that week) can I borrow (which means never give back) £50, and I say no and the cycle starts all over again. If hes very desperate then he'll steal usually from his girlfriend who puts up with it, he knows if he steals from us again we'd call the Police and, and he'd be left to fend for himself. Its been like this for what seems like forever and Im just not interested any more. He does not want to get better and Im tired of trying to work out why when his life is such a mess. I call him the Boy who cried wolf, makes up many stories and lies and if he ever does tell the truth we'd never know.

Hi Wal

I feel very calm and relaxed, the frantic stress and worrying seems to of just disappeared I guess it is acceptance. I love him to bits but as Amom says if it was a matter of love this would of been solved a long time ago. As a parent you know you would do pretty much anything to help your child no matter how old they get, and think that loving them so much would fix things. Ive found it very hard to accept that I cant fix this.

As I said earlier I do have something to look forward to but also this week my husband whos usually calm and collected got upset and said he cant do this anymore, and you can see that hes not himself. This worries me its out of character, I know how bad its got when he's upset.

I feel guilty because Ive been so wrapped up in my son, I feel like Ive neglected my husband, my other son and myself, I just didnt see it. As for my gambling son I no longer feel one ounce of guilt.