Living with a CG

Thanks all - your words of wisdom and understanding mean so much! It's time to toughen up! I have thought long and hard about 'bailing' him out through refinancing our home and whilst this goes against most of the advice my reasons are largely selfish ones. I am effectively buying mr jj out which severs all our financial ties and will not drag my financial status into the gutter (my job is subject to sporadic financial checks as part of anti corruption measures). Secondly, and probably a more calculated move - should his recovery not go to plan all assets are in my name only, providing longer term stability for me and the kids. Also I can't cope with the constant phone calls and mail from lenders and I'm not prepared to put my life on hold whilst he spends 15 years + dealing with debts - so I'm taking control and not leaving my future in the hands of someone else. Mr jj is completely aware of my reasons and I hope the 'I will only live this nightmare once' line is sinking in. over the last week I've started to see tiny glimpses of the person I fell in love with as the fog is starting to clear and we have both agreed that we need to invest more time in getting to know the warts and all version of us. I am feeling the pressure with the wedding looming - we're tying the knot abroad so it's all booked and paid for. In addition, family members have spent a lot of money to join the celebrations & I don't want to let them down. I feel the impact of his gambling will be long lasting and whether we get through it together (or not) I'm trying to build a future for my kids!

I agree with everything CW says and highlight her comment on wedding arrangements. You really need to think long and hard about that commitment which because no matter how hard your partner is trying to recover it is will be a long time before you come to terms with this ordeal and a long time that you will be watching over him to keep him in line. You sound like you are financially knowledgeable and organised and up for a challenge and you want the lovely person you first met back in your life. It is up to you to assess how much you can mentally cope with in the future and if you can get him to work with you to help with his recovery. I do wish you all a happy ending but hope both of you think very carefully and talk to each other about everything and keep talking. Good luck.

Sounds like you have good plans in place for protecting yourself but are you sure you want to convert what is at present unsecured debt he is liable for to secured debt you are liable for?

Has he looked into taking out a DMP? That would stop the hassle from lenders and hopefully get interest and charges frozen for the duration with the added benefit of making it much harder for him to take out further credit behind your back. If you have no financial association with him his credit score won't impact yours. Mine is fine and even though I have a joint account with Mr L which in theory could scupper any applications I make the reality is I have been able to open new current accounts (albeit in my sole name) with no problem.

Its really good to hear that your partners problems are not having financial impact on you Lethe and thank you for sharing that - it's does go some way in giving me some reassurance. It's really positive to hear other people's experiences. I do hear what you are saying about shifting the debt and there are many pros and cons for which ever path I take. I suppose in my mind I'm preparing for worst case scenario (we split as a consequence of his gambling) and hoping for the best (he can abstain and work towards recovery). I struggle with instability and I'm fast realising that I can only depend on myself for that at the moment. Whilst the house in still in joint names there's still a risk we'll lose it. Not all of his lenders are agreeing to the DMP at this stage which means the debts are still building. Mr JJ is still doing all the right things and we have put measures in place to prevent further damage (he has handed me complete control of finances including credit check passwords) - I am able to check at will. I suppose that wherever this journey takes us I'm prepared to finish alone if he can't stick to his end of the deal. I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that but a few months ago I never believed we'd be here!

Hi again

We have pretty much the same arrangements. Every asset including the house is in my sole name and I have no intention of changing that even though Mr L is (as far as I can tell) three years gf now. My reasoning is that should he lapse again I want as much as possible beyond the reach of potential creditors. He's on board with that and actually finds it a relief not to have to think about or handle money.

Has Mr JJ approached lenders himself or used an agency? Lenders can be more amenable when the arrangements are made via an intermediary. Mr L went through Payplan who were very helpful but others here have had good results with Stepchange. Either way he just needs to make sure it's a free provider such as these two rather than one who will charge.

Hi Miss JJ,

Not sure I should be commenting in this section as I am a compulsive gambler who's story is very similar to your OH and yourself.

I was reading your thread and thought I could share my recent experience of dealing with creditors. I live in Scotland and am currently in the process of setting up a DAS (Debt Arrangement Scheme) which I believe works similar to a DMP. I am doing this through Citizens Advice who have been brilliant. I phoned 7 credit card companies in December and they have all put my accounts on stop for a minimum of 3 months, some up to a year. All balances were frozen and no interest charges applied. At the same time CAB wrote to all 7 and they have accepted a reduced payment per month. My accounts are all in arrears however as there is no interest being charged my balances are coming down the way for a change. The interest is what makes it difficult.

I think what scared me most was the thought of speaking to my creditors. Once I'd actually called and spoken to them, every one of them was brilliant. I was up front and honest about the gambling and 2 of them even offered to arrange counselling for me. If your OH hasn't spoken to them directly I would advise him to give them all a call, ask for the financial difficulties department. They were very understanding.

I hope this helps and I wish you and your OH all the best for the future. I now attend GA and have some counselling soon. I have the most amazing wife and 2 children and am now looking forward to a gamble free future where my family come first.

PA x

Thank you PA & lefhe for your advice. Mr JJ has contacted all lenders and the biggest ones have been excellent in accommodating reduced payments inline with DMP organised through stepchange. There are a few (ones I'd never heard of before) that aren't and have become a little intimidating in their approach as well as adding fees and interest - the original loans started as small amounts but have over the last few months turned into significant amounts of money! I have raised enough through a remortgage to deal with these ones & hope that this will take some pressure off and we can start to see the overall debt reducing rather than increasing. Mr JJ is still doing well and close to a 100 days clean. The counselling has been really useful in helping me figure out some coping strategies and ways to improve communication between mr JJ and I so that every gambling related conversation does not end with negativity but with some constructive action. I am gradually starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel as I accept that I can't change what's happened and I can't control mr JJ's addiction or recovery but I can take control of my own life and make decisions that are in the best interests of me and my children. Thanks all for your support x

Hi Miss JJ,

Thanks for your post on my thread, it's nice to hear things from a different perspective.

I hope you are doing well.

PA x

Today has been a good day! The remortgage should be complete in a couple of weeks - phew! This should release enough money in the family budget to achieve a reasonable standard of living and we can say goodbye to a diet of potatoes and beans! Although it's amazing how resourceful you can be on a very limited budget. I had my third counselling session today and am starting to see the benefits of having this support. It's still early days but I'm starting to feel a little more 'normal' and feelings of despair and fear are gradually becoming less overwhelming. Mr JJ and I had a date day over the weekend ( a short hike and some sandwiches) and for the first time in a while just being in each other's company felt easier. After weeks and weeks of arguments and general stress we both agreed that we need to prioritise time spent together. Mr JJ is over the 100 day hurdle and looking forward to reaching 6 months, all blocks still in place, attending GA and on waiting list for CBT. I still don't know where this path will lead but I'm moving forward - step by step!

Hi Miss JJ

Glad to here you are making in roads to a better living and no doubt this is all possible on both sides as Mr JJ being honest and getting support along with yourself getting support and councilling, it good to read positive outcomes and I just hope my situation goes the same way as yours with regards your relationship in building small bridges and getting along better !

Good luck with everything

Darren

Hi Miss JJ,

How are things with you?

PA

Hey PA - Thank you for checking in. Life has been tough over the past couple of months and haven't found the energy to post or comment for a while (although I have been reading)! Mr JJ remains gamble free and the financial situation has now eased significantly and all assets are now in my name- this has given me some peace of mind. We've been attending counselling together and working on us - wedding has been postponed for a little while to give us some breathing space. We are slowly moving towards a more honest space in our lives but it's been difficult. Supporting a loved one through recovery isn't easy - massively emotional and takes a huge amount energy. That said - I'm hopeful, staying positive although not quite achieving forgiveness just yet but it's a journey!

Hi Miss JJ, glad to hear you're doing well.

Sorry to hear you have postponed your wedding, however hopefully everything works out in the end and it will be a day to remember. I'm intrigued to hear about your counselling together. Is it relationship counselling or through Gamcare? I have been attending counselling which was organised through this website and it is the best thing I ever did. I get so much from it compared to sitting in a group at GA. I never thought I would talk much but when I'm there I can't stop and it feels so good to get everything out and gives me lots to think about.

You sound like you have been very supportive to your OH. I honestly don't know where I would be without my wife. It maybe sounds a bit strong but she has probably saved my life as I don't know where I would be without her.

PA x

Hey PA - we are doing some relate counselling which has been fantastic. I've never been good at expressing how I feel and treading on eggshells about the gambling caused me to explode and triggered a bout of depression and anxiety. it has really helped ... I don't think we'd be together without going through this together. Postponing the wedding was a huge weight lifted from me as I felt that I was preparing for something that no longer meant anything & struggled to get any enthusiasm for the future - I'm not sure when we'll set another date but when we do at least I can get excited about the preparations and the words 'for better or worse, richer or poorer' will have true significance for the both of us. Pleased to hear that things are improving with your wife and hope it continues. The hardest part about loving a CG is watching them self destruct - no matter how hard you try you can't help be caught by the storm. Best wishes xx