Long distance desperation

Hi daughter83 please don't blame yourself. Your life is for living. There are gamanon meetings in central London and other areas. Real life ongoing support from others in your shoes.Go to the website and look them up. Gamcare offer free counselling, call and talk to someone. It is very difficult worrying when you're not there but this is manageable. Handing over his pension is helpful. Do they have Gamblers anonymous in Italy? There may be some other help available. He appears to have addiction problems. Both are very damaging to both of your parents. Your job is to be supportive emotionally. Your father will feel terrible and unable to stop. He will think you hate him. It's all very upsetting but remember he is still your father whose using alcohol/gambling to cope. He'll need help and support to stop, stay stopped. Look after yourself and find out about addiction.

Thank you Merry go round. I know so much about addiction.. more than I ever wanted. I studied it at length. I know that it's a disease and my dad is a sick man, but the way he treats me, the hatred he has towards me, the anger he projects is just really difficult to handle, it breaks me up inside. He is not going to seek help, he doesn't want anybody to know, I tried to ask for someone else to come and be impartial, because I think this will kill me - no. He refuses completely.

He doesn't want me to be close to him emotionally, he never opens up to me. I am just the heartless daughter that is taking away the only thing he's got left. The money he worked all his life for.

They have no savings, and no relatives around them. My mum is going to start the tests to see if she's got Alzheimer's, and I have just started a new extremely challenging job back in London that I worry I will fail at with all this on my mind.

It's a really desperate situation, I don't know how to get through to him as now everything I say is taken as a personal attack aimed to deprive him of his dignity.

I feel so hopeless

They become angry when you're in their way. He doesn't know how to go a day with out his gambling bubble. It's very scary. They don't mean it. I can't tell you how much meetings have helped me. Seriously you need support too, it's a lot to deal with. Concentrate on your mum. She will have been mentally affected by living with an alcoholic, now a gambler. She will need counselling too. The addict will manipulate you, send you crazy, have you heard the of 'gaslighting'. That's what happens, you think you're going crazy. Addiction feeds on secrets and lies. Sometimes forcing a gambler to stop can lead to other bad behaviour. Find out if there is any help for them. Keep talking and asking questions, hopefully someone else will offer some insight too.

Hi Daughter83,

Welcome to the forum, and for sharing your story with us.

To start with, please know that it was through no fault of yours that your Dad gambles so stop blaming yourself.

It seems like you’ve been trying to help and support your Dad with his gambling problem but he has so far not been able to stop, and the impact on your Mum seems to have been increasing over the years.

You seem to have taken a step in the right direction when you encouraged him to hand over his whole pension to your Mum so she can check his outgoings, and to carry just enough money (no extra cash) to take him through the day, and I’m glad to learn he’s willing to do that as that seems a positive move.

How about encouraging your Dad to seek gambling help locally (in Italy) since it would not be possible for you to be there to check on him 24/7?

I’ll advise you to look after yourself, and to try and contact Gamcare for advice on how to handle the whole situation on our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and speak to one of our advisers. An adviser can refer you for counselling if that would help you to cope better and find a way of moving forward without blaming yourself. Our lines are open everyday from 8.00am to midnight, and all our services are free and confidential.

Attending Gamanon meetings as suggested by fellow forum member – Merry go round will enable you to get more ideas on strategies to help you manage the situation that you find yourself in.

My best wishes to you, and please keep posting!

Kind regards,

Beatrice

Thank you both for your kind words and helpful comments.

I do believe I need help to keep going, I will try and make the meeting in London on the first Thursday of the year (03/01 - do you know if there is going to be one?) And I filled in the form to get counseling.

My mum is feeling weak and is not sure she'll be able to keep on top of the money situation, but I convinced her to seek a friend's help just to keep that aspect in check.

My dad used to go to a gamblers support group locally, but I don't know if that is still going and if he would consider going again.. I will try and run it past him or maybe ask my mum to, as he seems to listen to her much more than he listens to me.

We live right in front of a bar with slot machines, the temptation is just there, in front of him, he goes to the bar for coffee and socialising every day multiple times a day it drives my mum insane - quite literally.

Thank you again for your replies, as a single only child I feel so lonely and that nobody understands.. THANK YOU, REALLY.

M.

Yes that meeting should be on, you can email them.

Thank you so much