Looking for a change

Horizon 82, i feel so inspired by your strength as i really believe i will be in your exact same position in years to come. Everything in your story seems to mirror mine, minus the marriage and time together. I live everyday worried to spend any of my hard earned money just incase there's another financial crisis. I live in hope that this won't be the case forever but that hope is beginning to fade x

Hi Sammie123, thanks for your comments. Everyone's situation is different but in hindsight if I knew 13 years ago what I know now I would have walked.
It's been the hardest thing in the world and my OH has many other issues as well as the gambling; depression, never holding down a steady job, no financial contribution etc but when times were good they were so good and I think that's why I stayed so long. That and the belief that I could fix him but even worse than the gambling was the compulsive lying which I knew in my gut was going on but I could never prove.
It's still such early days after the split for me but tonight I had dinner and drinks with friends, I laughed all night and couldn't help thinking why didn't I allow myself this for all these years?
If my OH had of shown real commitment and total honesty I wouldn't have left but he didn't and I just kept finding myself in the same position again and again.
I know you have a tough road ahead as do I but I hope everything works out for you and juat remember that your happiness and peace of mind matter too x

So exactly 1 month after leaving my CG spouse and thought I would post an update.
I thought about leaving my OH for a long time before actually doing it because life had become so intolerable and I just couldn't think of a future of more of the same. On the whole things have been good, I have more control over my own life, more stability and i've had such great support from family and friends. I'm currently living with parents at the moment but as of the end of January I plan to find my own place as although they have been so good I miss my independence. My OH seems to be doing really well, he's attending meetings, has found a good job and is basically the man I fell in love with again. It's this that i'm finding hard, I miss him so much sometimes and the great times weve shared. He asks if this is definitely it for us and despite my early resolve i'm finding it difficult to completely close this chapter of my life. Is it wrong to walk away from someone you still love so much? Im trying to take off my rose tinted glasses so I make a rational decision, I know we've also had years of issues as well as the good times. If I knew 100% that he would never gamble again I would be back tomorrow but the problem is I believe he will and that's because we've been here so many times and all of his words sound a bit empty because of that. The reality is it's not fair on either of us to prolong a split but the reality of saying we're definitely over in light of how well he is doing is very tough!

Thanks for the update. Its good things are better for you and your OH has been continuing to go to meetings. Maybe this has given him the kick up the b**t to do something about his gambling. I really admire your courage and strength and how you have dealt with the whole situation. I know exactly how you must feel and cannot give you advice on what to do. Though i do know once the trust is gone its really hard to get this back. My situation still really hasnt changed i have applied for my own place as far as i know there have been no further mess ups with gambling wages but the impact his debts has had over Christmas period and thinking about my future has left me feeling depressed and desperate to leave. Whats worse is he is carrying on as normal talking about silly stuff in the future like kids bedrooms etc and im thinking i wont be here. I have tried again and again to speak to him but he just takes it as a dig. I dont know what is worse him being depressed and in a mood due to gambling or Mr Nice. I just want an easy life! 🙂

Hi Sylviex, it sounds like you're taking some positive steps too and best of luck as you put these into action.
I'm just back from a great weekend with family and am having a girls weekend this week so trying to keep myself busy with positive things while I work through how i'm feeling. Today in work was very long and quite stressful and all I wanted to do was go home, curl up with my OH and watch a film but I know I can't because the same problems are still there. I saw him this evening briefly and told him I was thinking of finding my own temporary accommodation while I tried to figure out how I was feeling but basically got emotional blackmail back about how that would signal the end for us and how bad it made him feel to hear that! So frustrating because although my family are fantastic I need my own independence and can't live with them indefinitely because it won't do me any good. Listening to him tonight was like listening to the selfish, self pitying gambler I grew not to like very much and it made me realise that for now at least i'm doing the right thing even though it's hard. Like you said trust is so hard to win back once gone and it's not something that can be gained after a months good behaviour x

That's great ur keeping busy and organising stuff with friends. Because of the debt after Christmas and before with his gambling I get the guilt trip if I want to make plans saying we can't afford it etc. I am the same I feel really mixed feelings at the moment about how I feel about my oh. It's like this chapter is to be forgotten as he is due a good wage this week. What also didn't help for me is my parents have quite traditional views about staying together and don't understand the addiction. Just need to take things one day at a time. Ur oh will be scared that he's lost u and I know what u mean about self pitying behaviour it's infuriating xxx

Hi Sylviex, January is a bad time financially at the best of times let alone when you live with a gambler! Like yours my OH is now earning good money and thinks that negates all of the bad stuff that's gone before. He's back to his good self again today which makes things harder, my family are against us getting back together but no matter what I decide I know the final decision needs to come from me and suggest you try and do the same as when the doors close at night it's us that have to life with the decisions we make.
As always best of luck and stay strong although that's something you definitely seem to be xx

Update on my situation nearly 2 months after I left my CG husband. Signed a lease for my own apartment a couple of days ago and moving in tomorrow. Feeling a bit sad, daunted but also a bit excited. I've never lived alone before, despite when my OH was in a 3 month residential for his addiction but because my family are a stone's throw away I feel OK about it. Could that change tomorrow? Yes, I know it could but i'm going to try and savour these positive feelings when I get them.
I miss my husband terribly sometimes and I have nothing but love for him but I don't think 2 could ever go back to living with worry, anxiety and no trust in my relationship. Living with a CG is hell and you put up with too much for too long. I have nothing but sympathy for CG's because I know that no one would choose to live their life the way they do but as a wife of a CG I had a choice and although my feelings may change in the future for now I know moving out and moving on was the right thing to do.

How are things going? I have not been on in a while. xx

Hi Sylviex, they are good thanks. I've really settled into my new apartment, it's lovely and a short walk from my parents and sister's and i've been kept really busy with work and socialising which has been a big help.
I joined the gym beside me and have my dog 2 or 3 nights a week so compared to a few months ago life is so much better. I still see my OH once or twice a week at most, we get on great when we see each other but the old trust issues are still very much there and it's hard for me to imagine ever going back when i've taken such big steps in moving forward. There are times when I really miss him but I honestly haven't been tempted to just move back in and am actually enjoying this newfound independence. I hope things have improved for you? X

Hi Horizon,

I just read your diary. I am so glad that you have found that independent life that was waiting for you. Your OH may never change, although he seems to be trying. I am so glad that you have set yourself up with a place of your own, in your name that unless you don't pay the rent, it is yours, No more worries, about him borrowing money an you being embroiled in it. Life moves on. It must have been very difficult to live with that for 13 years. Some people cannot find the strength to move on, and that is okay too. Be proud of yourself for creating the life that you want.

Julie x

Hi Julie, thanks so much for your lovely message. I believe my OH wants to change badly but there have been a few signs recently that make me think he's not being honest. He has also said that he can't keep holding on waiting for me to make a decision about our future and he'd like to know by the end of the week where we stand. Honestly I think I know what I need to do and what's best for my future. I know he's not being totally honest now after 3 months of separation and I was in the same position 10 years ago and can't be doing the same 10 years from now. It's tough because you can love someone very much but when you know that you're leaving yourself open for future pain it's probably best to just walk away.
I don't know if you're the CG or the relative of one but I wish you well no matter what x

I am a CG but I have no debt, and I am just on the edge of it. I was very stressed at work, and took to gambling in an FOBT machine. I didn't hurt anyone, except myself, but am learning quickly. Thank you for your wishes.

Horizon, I have to say, and I hate to be negative, but he thinks he is still calling the shots now. Saying he needs an answer within the week.. Life doesn't work that way, when he has turned your life upside down. My suspicion is, he is waiting to see how long he needs to keep going for, before he can drop it all with the excuse of, my relationship has failed. That is very harsh words on my behalf, considering I don't know either of you. But I don't respond well to ultimatium's. I think your gut instinct is telling you all you need to know. I wish you every happiness, and keep posting, great free thearpy.

Julie x

Hi Julie, great to hear you're working your way through recovery! I can only imagine what it's like to be in tbe grip of a gambling addiction but I know that if you really want to beat it you totally can but it takes total honesty and unfortunately my OH isn't prepared to do that. He says he is and that he's put everything behind him but a few things have happened over the past couple od weeks which makes me realise that isn't true.
The thought of being on my own is scary as is saying goodbye to a relationship that did bring alot of happy times too...we basically grew up together so alot of memories and shared experiences but at the same time i've also put up with far too much for far too long and should have taken a tougher stance years ago. Your words aren't harsh at all just very true, he would use any excuse to justify his gambling and I can't live a life walking on eggshells anymore. Thanks for taking the time to read my thread x

Hi Horizon 82. Sounds like you are doing amazing and taking steps for the future. I am feeling envious of this lol. Things have been difficult here still together with kids. I was back living in my happy bubble again when i discovered an e-mail for another loan i knew nothing about.! He has now changed bank cards etc but i feel so resentful. Its just so hard to know what to do. I have had to go off work unwell and i have took time off studying as my head not in it. xx