Looking for advice about recovery

Hi look to the future! Hindsight is a wonderful thing. First time round at GA my husband did a year, got his 'pin'. Then said he didn't need it. He went back to gambling secretly. GA have open meetings that family go to, usually every six months or a year, to give recognition. You could go on GA website and see when the meeting he attends has one. You could ignore him, you have finances. Do you have credit reports and notifications? My instinct now would be suspicious but I would do nothing, we are powerless. If a cg wants to gamble they will. In my experience full recovery is about honesty. My cg is very willing to talk, he has no cash unless for a reason, supplies receipt. It's very hard, some think they should manage their own money. Whatever works. BUT you are suspicious and you're not seeing change. You have to find a way to not let him affect you. What will you do if he is gambling? What will you do if he's not? They do have times of being fed up , they've got nothing to show for their hard work. There has to be a point where you can actually talk to your husband. Maybe call and talk to someone at gamcare. Main thing is you look after yourself and secure finances.

Hi

This sounds to me like someone who has already fallen off the wagon.

The traits he is showing are from a CG. Current or past is something you need to get to the bottom of if you want your relationship to work. I would love a charity like Gamcare to have a department that visited homes and families like yours and mine for a random visit cup of tea speak to the CG then the partner for any concerns then speak to them both befofe leaving. I am sure that would help in the number of families that do not survive this awful period in there lives. My journey is only 25 days gambling free but i feel loads better in myself now it is all in the open and i am getting help and support. We as gamblers cannot have access to any funds that could easily be unaccounted for ie heres £20 go put some fuel in the car we as gamblers would only put £15 in at the most. Get reciepts and a paper trail for everything that i am sure would help although it is very degrading for us having to ask for money all the time and feel like a school kid but if thats whats needed then so be it.

Good luck keep us informed.

BG

Thanks both for comments. Yes with regard to early days, husband agreed to have small amount cash and receipts to be given but he soon said he needed his debit card back as it wasn’t appropriate to potentially need to buy fuel etc- at work he has to buy it and reclaim or pay for parking in London jobs etc using phone sbd debit card. I therefore monitor. But, he sometimes gets Cash and will bring it home and show where it’s from but there is no proof he hasn’t gambled and just not “lost”the initial amount. He is very unimpressed with having to show paperwork or receipts that gives full story and isn’t prepared any longer to not make his own financial decisions or be in an agreed budget- eg he wants to buy coffee, snacks and lunch rather than taking his own from home and to do this often and without restraint despite it being s little wasteful in the big picture. I have just spoken to him briefly in the phone (he’s less confrontational via phone perhaps as others can hear him) and politely pointed out that every time I speak to him he is disparaging, mocking or rude and that I would like him to try not to otherwise all I’m left with is total avoidance of talking to him (which is increasingly the case anyway). He decides sometimes I need to be spoken to about finething sbd expects to essentially speak without it being a conversation, I am not allowed to reply until he decides. This can be at really awkward times like when I’m trying get children ready for bed and settled and I find it hard to meet their needs and achieve that necessary job and give undivided attention to him which he will monitor giving me questions which feel like a trap to see if I can follow what he’s saying. He expects me to ignore direct questions from the children or if they’re fighting or not doing what I’ve adked because I must listen all the while I’m trying to manage what I feel should be done for them and not annoy him. He isn’t actively helping but standing near me talking. If I were to say can we chat once I’ve finished their story he will not respond politely but walk off muttering to himself . If I go back once I can ge then says he’d finished talking anyway and is sulky. He will talk so disrespectfully and in such a unpleasant way to me in front of children and I hate that they will think this is either normal or they will be upset by it but he can’t tslj this on board. Constantly saying that just because that’s my opinion doesn’t mean it’s correct and that he can’t say anything to me as I’m so sensitive etc. He is the breadwinner so knows I’m financially dependent so that gives him power and I think feeds resentment that he is accountable to me about the money he earns. He is so detatched from running family life and conveys that openly but thinks that’s acceptable and normal. It makes me feel utterly hopeless because if this is him not gambling and the best it can be then it’s toxic and horrible. It feels like he needs to win and he can’t be fulfilled by bring best dad or husband but he needs something external to validate him hence wanting money to prove it whether it’s thtough gambling or making things even if that’s at expense of everything and everyone else- this is what I see in his interactions with me/ he wants to debate everything no matter how minor as an exercise in the opportunity to win and whatever I do or say I cannot avoid triggering this style of interaction. So increasingly I avoid it- we’re right back to where we were before he was caught out and had to own up to having spent our savings sbd his salary on gambling and therefore had massive loans to meet commitments for bills etc. To this day he will not accept he got loans to facilitate gambling, he says he got loans as he had to pay for stuff we needed like mortgage. This allows him to resent me and implicate me in his debts as he sees it as loans were for benefit of all sbd his salary went in gambling. I see no evidence he attends g a as he never takes any steps that I see others write about- the apologies, the attempts to demonstrate remorse and gracious transparency. I see resentment and someone who has reset in ways I’ve seen previously and the opportunity to be open is gone. It was a blip, he thinks, he’s going to meetings (perhaps), had the free counselling, given me access to banks.... so he’s done it all right. He claimed this time was different because he needed to get help as he realised he couldn’t sort it by himself like he believed possible previously but I feel like he’s ruined every aspect of the life I wanted and is still overshadowing me trying to go my job as mum/ on the sidelines jeering at me. Obviously there are times when he is ok but never consistent . Counsellors that have spoken to me say he’s emotionally sbudive, the joint counsellor wouldn’t accept this snd said that was an extreme description and that we were both just very different. But I can’t shske the feeling that I am in the dog house and feel almost guilty even though I’m not in the wrong and he has made massive devastating mistakes and lied, stolen etc and is not making amends emotionally. How can I respect his attempt st trying to recover when he doesn’t respect me or that I’m still doing the best I can despite his behaviour and the distress and fear he causes. I can never feel financially or emotionally safe as a consequence of his unpredictability yet he makes no attempts to try to minimise this by offering kindness or reassurance. Wouldn’t g a meetings not be encouraging humility?

I really feel for you. He seems to be behaving in a way that now makes you feel like the guilty party like you have been stealing and telling lies. Yes i can relate to mood swings prior to my issues being known publicly but never such hatred towards my partner or kids. You need a solution and quickly by the sounds of it, if he wants to continue being stubborn then you wont change him unless he is frightened by a reality check. As horrible as it seems i reckon for your relationship to work you need to sit down no kids around and you need to tell him he is the one who has made the mistakes and he is the one who has to change. You want his banking app on your phone for a start i am sure you can set an alert everytime something is spent then you are notified. I get the work expenditure thing parking, lunch coffee etc thats fine but you need reciepts for these items its no good you just seeing 12.90 at Costa and him saying he took a client because that may have been a 2.90 spend and £10 cashback for example. If he is not willing to change then i think you need out. Life is too short to be misserable let alone being spoken down to all the time.I think threatening him with this is something that will make him realise you are not prepared to put up with him behaving like he is. Trust me these little money monitoring exercises are massive in our recovery we can not be trusted with any spare cash or access to it or else it will slowly get you all back to square 1 after a couple of years then you gain nothing and lose 2 years of your lives!

I do wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do remember there is always a solution for these problems but everyone needs to buy into it.

Good luck

Billy