Lost.

Hi GemLou89

I really feel for you. It's so hard to be repeatedly let down. The sad truth is that he doesn't want to stop I guess. Can you imagine your life with him not in it? Will your home be happier with him not there? I've asked myself these questions about my husband and I know it's not easy to make such massive decisions. I would take your time, don't rush into anything and think carefully. I know it's even harder when you have children to consider. I'm in the same dilemma and I haven't reached a conclusion yet.

Thankyou for your reply. It's so hard to be repeatedly let down and hurt and this time was so much worse as stupidly I'd built my hopes up that this was the answer to all my prayers. We've had to endure his endless mood swings whilst he wasn't gambling but I just kept telling myself it would all be worth it and that he just needed the love, patience and support but to no avail. Why are we never enough incentive for him to stop? I don't want to live my life this way or put the kids through this again, I feel like I'm making a mess of everything as I don't know what to do for them 🙁

You arent making a mess of things, it's not you doing this.

You are not enough incentive for him to stop because the gambling and you are not in the same category in his head, you'll influence his gambling about as much as an iceberg will float through the saharah and vice versa.

The gambling his problem, he has to deal with it, he has to want to stop, he has to take the steps to stop, he has to let his mind be changed.

This is not your fault, you have no control, so you cannot resolve it and yet you are the one bearing the consequences.

You're not alone.

Now is the time to get help for yourself to cope with this, whether you leave or stay, nobody here will judge you, we know how hard it is, but whatever you do, there is help and support available and you deserve some. Come to a gam anon meeting, ring the help line.

Ultimately you cannot have an active compulsive gambler running your life, they dont make themselves happy, let alone anyone else, they will just run you into the ground financially and emotionally, but you already know that. It is too much to bear alone, do your family know? They must be worried about you and if they dont know they are probably putting two and two together and making all sorts of wrong answers, telling people what is going on can be a huge weight of your shoulders, but I know i needed to get it off my chest a few times with the 'strangers' at gam anon before i could say it out loud with people i knew.

Keep talking

Thankyou for your reply Pangolin.
I am ashamed to say I lost my temper this morning after another awful nights sleep. I am just at my wits end and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I've told him to leave.

He's been having councilling for months and has brought home every signed card to prove he had been going and he was doing so well that his sessions finished last week. Unfortunately his councillor is no longer working in our area so he can't go back to him which is not great as he's the only one he's ever stuck to. We helped him through, I had his bank card and made sure he knew how proud I was every single day.

I've bailed him out time and again and he's even had the kids savings to get him out of his overdrafts but he's spent that too. He's still managing to get his hands on cash like advanced wages that I don't know about. And every single time he has some lie/excuse to accompany why he's been into the bookies. He self barred himself from all the bookies in our area (after most trying to deter him from doing so) yet they let him in and turn a blind eye. How can this even be legal?!

I have asked him for 2 years for some sort of couples councillor but he always refuses. It's not fair that he sorts himself and leaves us being to pick up his mess. I'm currently learning to drive as at the moment I live surrounded by his family and mine don't live close by. I have 4 children so it's not easy to get about alone. I have told a few family members on the past but I always feel a fool repeating the same thing and think they are just thinking im stupid for staying in the first place. I wasn't aware of the extent of his gambling until about 3 years ago and it slowly got worse.

I'm going to try and secure myself some sort of councillor for my own sanity! I need to stay focused for the kids and not let him bring me down with him. He has been sat this morning trying to turn the blame around like he always does but I refused to listen which is definitely a start. I will no longer be a pushover.

Well done, you cant listen to a compulsive gambler, the lies and manipulation are ridiculous. Blocking it out is the only way to cope, you cant respond to someone who is just oging to twist and lie so they are "right", you're wasting your breath and he isnt listening to you anyway. Protecting yourself and the children has to come first now.

You aren't a fool for being taken in by this, you are a normal loving human being, years of listening to the lies undermines you, you lose your self confidence and think that you somehow should have known better all along, no one is born knowing how to deal with this, we all find out as we go along, you've realised and you've acted and you're getting appropriate help, not the actions of a fool are they? And like you say, this didnt happen overnight, it's crept up on everyone. The only person who you will have to live with for your whole life is yourself, so deal with it in a way you can live with if that makes sense.

Great piece of advice I have had is to "let go of the result", do what you have to do, act with the right intentions, but dont second guess the outcome, you cant know how a compulsive gambler will react to anything and actually you cant really know how anyone will, so do your best and dont worry too much about the outcome, whatever will be will be, you know you tried.

A recovering gambler and an active gambler are very different creatures to deal with arent they?

They are definitely two very different creatures. When he was having the councilling it was like everything had been lifted from him and he could finally relax and be happy as he has people to help him carry his burden. He had his dark moments and those moods are almost unbearable when hes that way out and he'd sometimes say the cruellest things but I'd try to ignore them and not retaliate. We'd got into a little routine that I'd be in charge of the finances etc and I thought things were somewhat looking up for us.

There's always the demon there or as his councillor rightly described "it's almost like there's another woman", but I was willing to fight it with him every second of every day. I'm just not sure I have the same optimism or strength left in me. I feel so selfish but I hate the burden and the gambling and everything it brings. I also often feel resentful that he feels 'better" when I feel scared that it's going to happen again and that it's just a matter of when. I've relaxed before and thought he could just stop by himself (this was at the beginning) but I won't be foolish enough to do so again.

I don't have much confidence and I never imagined I'd ever post on here but I have read it many many times. I don't think I've ever truly had the strength to be alone but for now I think a break is in order and I need to gain some confidence and be independant.

He's currently gone out, probably to his mum's and is sending a barrage of texts asking if I'm giving up on our marriage and that it will break the kids etc. The guilt is always laid on thick and he knows my weakness is them. He plays a very cruel game when he's like this and it's almost like a jekyll and Hyde and the latter always wins.

Thankyou Half - life, your kind words mean a lot, especially on an extra hard day like today 🙂

Half life just said exactly what i was thinking.

CGs have no conscience, they make no sense, the strength you need to not defend yourself and not respond is superhuman, you're managing it, well done you. Let his words stand alone, in the future they will come back to haunt him, you really dont need to do anything but put yourself and the children first. Make the most of a quiet house while he is out.

Thankyou 🙂 I have my beautiful children to keep me busy and keep me going. I've picked myself up my whole life so I know I can keep going. I just wish with all my heart that things were different because I know what a fantastic husband and daddy he can be. Thankyou for taking the time to help and listen to my rambling.

Hi GemLou89

I'm a recovering CG.

When we gamble, we cannot be trusted, we lie,deceive,cheat,steal,hurt,abuse...you name, we do it.

We can change and overcome our addiction, but only if we want to. I have been a member of GA here in Australia for just over 6 years, and have heard stories (all true) that literally make me cry. The same applies with some of the stories I have read on various forums. When we are gambling, we exist only to gamble. The trials that some family members have gone thru to help their loved ones amazes me. I often ask myself, if the tables were turned, and a loved one of mine was the gambler, not me, how would I have reacted? Truth is, I honestly don't know.

I have the greatest admiration for people such as yourself, trying to deal with the situation you find yourself in. I think Pangolin said that none of this is your fault, believe me she is right. Never ever blame youself. The gambler alone carries the burden of responsibility, and ultimately he and he alone is the only person that can fix it.

Best wishes

Well done on your recovery Wal1957, it takes an awfully strong person to control the gambling and I am hopeful he will also find this strength one day. I guess sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and I think he needs to realise he won't always have me as his safety net and he needs to want to help himself too.

Thankyou for your kind words, they mean an awful lot.

How are you Gem?

Hi Pangolin 🙂

This morning I could barely get put of bed, woke up with a very bad stress headache. He's had his bullying head on today and had a very bad tantrum that I wouldn't let him take my card for the bills. Called me names, tried to twist it saying I'm useless blah blah. I told him he can't be trusted and I'd do it myself. He said I won't last 2 minutes without him then went out to god knows where and hasn't come back yet.
I've been and paid the bills and got a bit of shopping and I feel a bit better. Tea is sorted for the kids and the house is tidy. One step at a time and I know I'll be ok instead of wondering what's gonna happen in the future, im not even thinking about it. I'm thinking about the here and now and keeping my sanity 🙂

I paid bills, did shopping, tea is sorted, total fail on house tidying though, so you're doing better than me there.

Half -life's post deserves a repeat read I think.

Did he ever go to Gamblers Anonymous?