Lost.

Hi Betty, welcome to the forum 🙂

I felt compelled to drop by & say you really ought to try & get to a GamAnon meeting. There you will find real life support from other loved ones who have walked in your shoes.

I grew up with a CG & an alcoholic & I too have become a compulsive gambler, I have begged, pleaded, threatened, disowned my mum & still she continues to lie & steal & cheat her way through life...She is nearly 70! It breaks my heart telling her I don't want presents for birthday & Christmas because all I have ever wanted for as long as I can remember is for her to stop gambling. She too gets found out, is bailed out, swears black is blue now the debt has gone & the weight been lifted from her shoulders that she is 'better' then as you say BAM! Only it's not a BAM anymore, it was me on a constant knife edge waiting for the next unreasonable demand & a hundred million reasons why we have to help. Now I'm getting help myself I know she can't stop on her own no matter how much she tries to persuade us or herself otherwise, she doesn't want to stop. She has nothing, lives in my flat, wages paid into my account & still doesn't think she has a problem! You can't fix him & you MUST do everything you can to protect yourself & your girls.

I too had plans of small bets when I first came looking for help & my now husband refused point blank to entertain any of my ludicrousy, it was the best thing he could have ever done! A CG can never gamble again & if he's not willing to accept that then you really need to think long & hard about how to protect yourself from the madness because whilst active, he's not gonna be looking out for you!

Good to see you know you're not alone, now time to look after you - ODAAT

ODAAT,

this last week has a bitter sweet feeling about it. My partner let me down, again! but I've found an inner strength this time that I've never had. I no longer feel so alone.

He's handed over bank cards and is going to his first meeting next week (at least I hope he sticks to what he's promised)

For the first time in 4 years I feel strong enough to say these are my terms, take it or leave it as I'm not scared to be alone, as much as it would hurt emotionally it means I can make sure my daughters are protected. He thinks his actions don't hurt them as they're always looked after, I see how the strain on OUR relationship seeps into family life. The arguments, me feeling worthless and not knowing how to pay bills will always affect the children.

Tonight he admitted that he's never stopped gambling in one way or another and admitted that even the lottery should be avoided.

Talking to people on here has given me more strength and hope for my own future than I'd hoped.

Thank you for your honesty reply and being open.
Having no-one to turn to was really difficult, you have all offered me a lifeline and somewhere to turn.

Oh and thank you for the advice too. Its a huge help.

Hi Betty I'm so glad you are feeling stronger and posting on here helps. Just a thought reading your post about bank cards. My husband in his recent lapse, gave me the card but was using online transfers. Make sure you see the bank account too. Another thing he used to do was have his mail sent to work. I'm not saying your husband is doing this but just be aware. I also agree with ODAAT try and get to a meeting if you can. I learnt so much and can unburden to others who understand. My husband had to give up drinking because that also became a problem and his boss spoke to him about it. What aren't they addicted to? I hope you have a calm weekend, stay strong Merry x

Hi again

Echo the above. Having the bank cards isn't enough. You need ongoing access to all areas which means credit reports (all three agencies and all available free) to check for anything that hasn't been disclosed along with secret bank accounts that may have been opened. That should go a way towards protecting yourself should the mail have been diverted although I still open anything I want to. Inform anyone you need to not to fall for a sob story too. Mr L conned the kids out of their savings and used my son's bank account to do it. I see receipts even now to make sure there's no cash going out undercover of legitimate spending and Mr L doesn't carry even small change routinely. I transfer his salary (paid into a basic bank account I operate) to my account on receipt. You cannot trust your partner so don't without seeing cold hard proof for yourself. If he has an ounce of self awareness he will understand why. If he refuses to comply, be wary.

Thank you all for your comments, I have said I need access to online banking and he agreed, as yet no actual handing over of details though.

It does make me wary, surely he can see why I ask if he means what he says about finally breaking the habit.

Come to think of it his statements are sent to his parents house, he never changed that after moving in, seems to make sense now!!

Thank you all again for the support xx

If he's anything like me, he'll have ALL of those details to hand & be able to reel them off so no excuse for putting it off. Procrastination plays a huge part in my life & is a common traits in addicts but when it came to handing over my finances, I couldn't do it fast enough. I had accounts (yes, plural) & some credit cards with Nationwide, Santander, Lloyds, NatWest, Alliance & Leicester, Coventry, 1st Direct plus loans and, or credit cards (plural again) with Sainsbury's, M&S, Virgin, MBNA, Fluid! Sadly, the only way to ensure you have a grip on the finances is via the credit reports. 'Getting away with it or recovery' has just been opened by cardhue in the debates section which is worth a read...He's been getting away with it for so long, he may just be thinking this will all blow over, maybe have convinced himself like I did repeatedly that he doesn't have a problem & can control it now. It makes no sense that having been subjected to years of deceit that you are the one having to put the work in to both protect yourself & help you heal but it's a trait of ours to live in a dream world & until he starts to unravel his warped brain, you may find yourself routinely frustrated.

Well I talked with him again about online banking etc, and he's said he will give me bank statements but not the login details and can't understand why him handing over bank cards and cash isn't enough. So now he's left the house saying he needs to decide if he wants our relationship to continue as my hate is affecting the children.

WOW. I'm to blame again.

Thank you all for the honesty, seems I have unintentionally been facilitating his behavior by being blind to it.

Dear Betty he's angry because you're asking questions he doesn't want to answer. If he'd told you everything he would have nothing to hide. He uses it as excuse to leave the house. It's your fault, you're unreasonable, you're the nag. Stick to your terms, it's probably a bluff. You are gaining knowledge and he's getting found out. I feel for you, it's scary but try to weather the storm. Once he agrees it should get easier, if he doesn't then he's in denial.

Well I'm confident saying it seems like his family are not the priority.
I I get is he feels bad enough already without me going on and whatever he does isn't enough so no point blah blah blah.

Seems my desperation and upset is unreasonable and not at all like his.

I can try and I will keep to my terms but I can do no more than that and it's going to be one of two things the end of gambling or our family being together.

I really can't cope any longer, it's making me physically ill and mentally worn out.
All depends on his choice I guess.

I can so relate to you. My husband promised he would quit when we had kids...they are now 7! It has been going on for way too long. He falls off the wagon all the time. Try to be strong for your kids!
That is what I do. It is so hard having no one to talk to. We have no support groups either.

I am so sorry Betty77. As you gain knowledge you are threatening his addiction and neither he nor his addiction likes that. It feels like the walls are closing in on him which is why he ran blaming you. You were right in your first post..."addiction is a deadly master". It doesn't let go easily.

I do disagree with your last post "All depends on his choice". Do yourself a favour and decide what it is you want, what your boundaries and requirements are. Try not to give ultimatums but make this about you and your daughters NOT him and his addiction.

Keep writing on the forum... it's a great place to dump your anger, frustration and confusion AND get some much needed support. You are not alone.

Cathyx

The self pity can be epic and if they can blame anyone or anything else they will. If it's your fault it can't be his but that's all part of the manipulation that goes hand in hand with active addiction. It's not in your interests to be too understanding. That way lies compromise and with that the risk of getting taken for a ride all over again. If he wants to give up he will get all the understanding he needs from GA meetings where they 'get it' in a way we never will.

As Cathy says, decide what you want and stick to it. He can make the choice to do all it takes to arrest this but that's out of your control. What is in your control is what you decide you need to feel secure.

Hi Momof2kids, sorry to hear you too are in this position but GamAnon is a support group for you loved ones (GA is for us), and I've never heard any complaints about it. All the services on here are also available to yourselves including counselling through the helpline. Living with us addicts is often hell on earth so don't be afraid to set yourself up with a thread & call them as much as you need to.

You need support to look after you - ODAAT

Amom wrote:

I am so sorry Betty77. As you gain knowledge you are threatening his addiction and neither he nor his addiction likes that. It feels like the walls are closing in on him which is why he ran blaming you. You were right in your first post..."addiction is a deadly master". It doesn't let go easily.

I do disagree with your last post "All depends on his choice". Do yourself a favour and decide what it is you want, what your boundaries and requirements are. Try not to give ultimatums but make this about you and your daughters NOT him and his addiction.

Keep writing on the forum... it's a great place to dump your anger, frustration and confusion AND get some much needed support. You are not alone.

Cathyx

I meant his choice to accept the terms or the consequences of not accepting them. I've done this for too long now, I cannot and will not do it again. It's not an ultimatum but a choice to start the road to recovery and having his family there or gambling and I secure the future of myself and the children by not having him in the family home. I know recovery can or may include relapse, so long as there's honesty I can deal with it.