I have been with my partner off and on due to gambling and drgus. When he is in recovery he is the most amazing man i have ever met. I work part time and i have always covered the bills and rent as he moved in with me. I dont make a lot on minimum wage but i am good at budgeting. He on the other hand makes around 70 thousand a year. For the first while I helped him pay off his debts. And they were "paid" or so i was told. I found out a few days ago, they have not been paid. I have a child who was looking forward to a holiday next week which has now been cancelled. He has gambled everything and has not a penny left. When his behaviour changed recently i approached him and asked was he depressed. He snapped at me and said that i was nagging him and talking to much. He finally told me that he had stolen thousands. And i broke down and told him to leave. He went to the shop and i locked my front door. He shouted abuse at me. But i did not let him in. He blames me for not noticing the gambling signs and said its all my fault. I have tried everything. This man has a bath run for him on return from work, his dinner prepared, snacks brought for him and a lunch made if i have time. He gets his cloths washed and ready for the next day. He gets love and support and i dont even socialise with friends any more. I work 4 days a week and i am returning to university in October. I am absolutely heart broken that I can not believe I have accepted these behaviours for so long. He has told me hes applied for a place in rehab. And wants me to take control of his finances and help him. But im exhausted, i have a busy life as it is and this constant surveillance of another human is weighing me down. I walk on eggshells and i used to be fun and bubbly. Now i am a shell of myself. I keep telling myself that the abuse is because of his gambling addictions and that hes hurting and i need to be strong, not take it personally and that it is one day at a time, that tomorrow might be better. But i dont know if it is. I wish someone could shine a light on the links between gambling and abuse. Im afraid it will get worse. He said he can not do this without me. I feel guilty for kicking him out. But he needs to know that his behaviour is unacceptable and impulsive. He has made me feel disgusting and used, he said i am only good for the bedroom. Im embarrassed to say that i actually believe this, even though if i heard this from someone else i would say its nonsense. But i dont believe i am good enough. I dont even know what else to say. Im broken, but if anyome else has experienced this type of abuse that is in relation to a partners gambling relapses, please tell me what to do.Â
Hi @Heretochat
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time.Â
We are here to support you on our Helpline (0808 8020 133), if you would like to talk to an adviser. Sometimes it helps to talk things through, and we can also help with identifying support that you might find beneficial.
If you are worried about your partners abuse it can be worth contacting a service such as Refuge ( https://www.refuge.org.uk/ ) or Women's Aid ( https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ ). If you feel however you are at immediate risk of harm please do contact the police.
Please do reach out to us.
Kind regards,
Tommy
Forum admin
Hi
I am sorry to hear you are in pain and suffering due to the unhealthy actions of your partner.
In my recovery I got to understand my emotional triggers, pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, loneliness, and boredom.
In time I would understand that the gambling addiction and my obsessions was just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable, the emotional triggers indicated that I was vulnerable and reacted in some very unhealthy ways.
That your partner has pains from his past he has not healed.
You have been caring and l;oving towards him and he is unable to recipricate back to you in an emotional way.
It would be wise for you to find your own path of healing and your recovery.
You are working hard for your relationship yet he is not as yet able to take his recovery seriously.
Taking over the finances wil;l help him and your self but he needs to be willing to do it for him self.
The money is just the fuel for his addictions.
He is not able to trust him self or others.
It is all part of his inadequacy insecurity and his fears.
You may be good at budgeting yet it will not help him draining every thing from the family.
He is counteracting your healthy caring ways.
Asking him questions will not help when he is filled with his pains.
If you can find a Gamanon meeting counselling or a healthy person you can trust.
He is in pain and not healing his pains and you can not heal his pains for him.
I am sorry to hear you and your son have lost out on your holiday next week
This very unsetlling as you do nto know which way to turn.
It is important for you to heal your pains if you decide to leave him.
Often partners will leave on unhealthy partner and find anaother with an addiction behaviour.
He snapped at you asking questions, he felt threatened by you.
He was living in pain and high levels of fears.
The recovery program is abaout healing the hurt inner child in us.
That will not happen untill people take recovery seriously.
It is not your fault who he is or what he is, the pains he is dealing with go back to his child hood.Â
You have tried everything you can not heal his pains you can only heal your own pains.
Having more of an understanding of myself I would learn that my anger was due to the pains of my past not being healed or resolved.
I would learn also that my anger was also due to the fears of my past not being faced or reduced.
I would learn also that my anger was also due to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations when things do not go my way.
This man has a bath run for him on return from work, his dinner prepared, snacks brought for him and a lunch made if i have time.
You are spoiling him and treating him like a child, is that healthy for you or him.
Are you a partner of this person or a mother of this person.
If he wants you to take control of his finances and help him take it but make you sure there is no going back.
He can not be trusted with money.
The money is the fuel for his addiction.
It is very unhealthy to walk on eggshells and live your life filled with fears and uncertainty.
For you it will also be one day at a time, you need to heal your hurt inner child.
Why feel guilty for kicking him out and protecting your self.
Setting a boundary is your speaking out and saying his behaviour is unacceptable.
Setting a boundary is hard to do but indicates how much you value your self and more so your son.
He said you are only good for the bedroom, he was trying to hurt you as much as he was in his pains.
Your emotional needs can not be met from this person at this time.
He trying to undermine you was what happened to him in his child hood.
You have more to offer him than he ahs to offer you.
Untill this sad hurt inner child heals he ahs nothing to offer you that is healthy.
Untill he helps him self he can not help you.
Untill he loves him self he is unable to love you.
Untill he respects him self he is unable to respects you.
Untill he commits him self to recovery he is lost to you.
Reduce your expectations of this very unhealthy person.
Find out is he is going to be committed towards more effort in to his recovery.
Believeing in your self is very healthy and more than good enough.
You are not broken you are in pain and suffering and you have had your trust in another person betrayed.
If you get help you will heal and learn from this painful expereince.
You having healthy boundaries is a very good thing to have.
You exposing your expereinces is also very healthy.
Thank you for your sharing and your honesty
Love and peace to everyone
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
