Hi
I am new to this but after reading some of the posts on here, I am desperately hoping for some advice.
My Husband gambles, he's done it for a while now without me knowing, we're talking years. A couple of years ago, I innocently opened his bank statement and found he had gambled like £1,600 in about three weeks. I obviously hit the roof and we had a huge row about it. He assured me it was a one off etc etc, Im sure I dont have to tell you the rest.
So, we go through this rollercoaster of him gambling, me finding out, him assuring me its not a problem, me saying if it is not a problem then just stop doing it, he saying its something he enjoys doing and he is not prepared to give up, me saying if its a hobby then set an amount aside a month to cover it then don't spend anymore, him gambling loads again, me threatening to leave if he does it again, him gambling, me not leaving, him gambling - me at the end of my tether!!
So a couple of months ago, after another gambling binge, he finally admits it a problem and seeks help with a counsellor. Finally, I think we are getting somewhere. He is really open to discussing it with me and I really try to understand because I love him and want us to be able to sort this out. He comes clean about all the money he has lost previously in the years before I knew. He admits to me that he actually thinks he could make a living professionally gambling and this is part of his problem. The counsellor is telling him to gamble like £20 a time then take his money out and stop and is telling him to do this regularly. I dont agree with this but I have been going along with it because he's a professional and what do I know about it?
So last night, I went to bed and left him drinking rum downstairs. I knew he was going to gamble, because he nearly always does when he's been drinking. I bit my lip when I said goodnight, because I am trying not to be judgmental and be on his case all the time about it. He is after all following the advice from the counsellor! He sleeps in the spare room and gets up really early for work this morning. I asked him if he gambled and he said no, then I come downstairs to a text telling me he gambled 5k and was too embarrassed to tell me face to face this morning!
I simply do not know where to go from here. I have done angry, disappointed, hurt, betrayed, understanding, sympathetic and I just dont know what to do now. Absolutely nothing stops this. He has texted me all morning saying how awful he feels about it and how he understands if I want him to leave and he thinks my life would be better without him in it. It won't, we have two small children who he adores and who adore him. We have a nice life and he has a really good job but we are in loads of debt which we shouldn't have. We are always trying to get out of debt but I can't see that happening while these incidents keep happening. Any advice on this would be gratefully received.
Thanks so much for replying H-L!
I have decided that I need abstinence from gambling and maybe drinking, as many times they go hand in hand (although, he does gamble without drink too). I am also going to take control of the finances, so he does not have access to money.
I am dubious about this counsellor but it's through Gamcare, so I have to assume they know what they're doing?
So far I have kept this a secret from everyone but my best friend, who I confided in, thinks I should tell his family. Do you have any advice on this?
Hi worried wife I myself am a cg and I cannot believe the councillor said to gamble in little bits this is ridiculous cg's should not gamble at all we can not win because we cannot stop, if I go and win 10,000 today as a cg I don't think of the nice holiday I take my family on or the nice things I buy my kids I think about turning it into 20,000 then obviously you lose the lot as well as everything you can get your hands on trying to win the 10,000 back which you now think your down even though it wasn't even yours in the first place.
We don't think logically when we gamble our brains don't work. I am a 26 year old straight headed guy with a good job earning a good wage a lovely partner two beautiful kids a nice house and a nice car.....sounds like your situation right. I am able to make good decisions and be strong willed but not when I gamble as I said our brains don't work it's so hard to explain and sorry for going on but I feel for you because you sound just like my partner.
You need to put all the barriers you can in place treat your husband like a child trust me, he will moan, he will feel sorry for himself but the fact is truth hurts when he gambles he is acting like a child with no responsibilities when the fact of the matter is he has lots.
Anyway sorry for ranting but you need to be as strong as you can for your kids sake.... Good luck
Ste26
Hi half life you are totally right about the lows we will go to to get money and the lies we tell we cannot be trusted when we are gambling also correct about the barriers, every possible barrier needs to be put in place so even if we want to gamble we can't.
Ste26
Hello Worriedwife,
It sounds like you have been going through a very painful situation with your husband and although you are trying to help and be understanding he does not seem to be in a place of taking full responsibility over the effects of his gambling addiction. I would like to say that it is very unlikely that a GamCare counsellor suggested that he gambles £20 at a time and regularly. This sound like an idea he may have come up with himself. We do ask people to be abstinent while having counselling even when they want to reduce the amount of money they gamble.
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do when someone is not being honest and ready to change. However, you can look into how you could re-establish the terms of your marriage and set your expectations of him loud and clear. Perhaps having some counselling sessions could help you identify the best way forward for you. I would like to encourage you get in touch with our advisors either by calling our freephone 0808 8020 133 or through the Netline. We are open from 8am until midnight every day of the week.
http://secure.gamcare.org.uk/netline
Best wishes,
Ana
hi there I am new to this site. I am so sorry u r going through this, I don't know how to cope anymore, been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I have gradually watched a hobby turn into a addiction, when we met he was between jobs in the construction industry but had savings of his own, every now and then he would play the roulette machines and sometimes won quite big but like other gamblers im sure he only told me when he won not how much he actually lost, anyway gradually I had to start giving him money to pay rent as his money from the government due to unemployment was never in his bank in time or so he told me gullible I know but I believed him, gradually the inheritance money I had been left ran out then things went from bad to worse, I was still unaware of how big this problem was I suppose u could say I didn't want to see it, but anyway he got a hold of my bank card we have separate accounts and he went and withdrew £300 and gambled it resulting in me missing car payment and a few other direct debits, he admitted it and was sorry etc he then received inheritance 5 figure sum and blew the lot I was unaware at the time that the inheritance was received then he done some work on a house for a friend and the friend gave him £1000 to pay a builder and he gambled it so I took pity and took out a bank loan he promised he would never do it again, I have debts of over £3000 and he owes me £5000 plus I don't know exact figure! I had control of his card and then became lax and he told me yesterday that he gambled again and its left to me to pick up the pieces once again! I need a coping strategy as right now I am crying everytime I think about it which is basically all the time!
help
Hi , im about 10 weeks free of gambling and smoking,i am married for 23 years and only recently was honest with my wife,family and friends,that was the day i started to admit i was an addict , finally i could stop lying to everyone i loved,finally i could try to fight against it with someones help.
ive always earn huge amounts of money,and i never kept money for 20 years,just gamblng gambling gambling and more gambling,when in hollydays,i would find a way to gamble,that was my path.ive always worked with management,i won severall prizes trough the three companies i worked for,i just wasted all ,nothing left ,but no debts,my father taught me ,cause he showed me the gambling,introduced me i was 18 years old ,and explained how to live with gambling and having no problems money wise,undoubtly i got no debts never had,but wasted more then majority doesnt win in a work lifetime ,i stopped playing by the minute i spoke with my wife,family and friends,stopped smoking,and no medication,just slept much more,eat much more,i got 85 kgs instead of my regulars 73,and finally all the more important routines ,self exclusion,no money,no cash cards,just me and my routines,i ask sorry my wife everyday,cause i do feel remorse for all these years i wasnt honest with her and she knows how much i love her,got two beautiful children,she is graduating next year,and my boy with 11 .i do want to share this with you,cause you just need that he doesnt need to lie and stop him of having any chances of getting back playing,no money,no cards,no time...
Thanks to everyone that's responded, Its so nice of you to take the time to offer advice.
Update on the situation is: He went to counselling on Saturday as usual and has now agreed on complete abstinence from gambling. When I questioned the counsellor telling him to continue gambling small amounts, he apparently said it works with some people but it's obviously not going to work for him.
Ana, I appreciate what you're saying about a counsellor would never tell him to do this but I can assure you that's what happened. I have no reason not to believe my Husband on this, as he has been painfully honest about everything else. I can only assume that my husband was not completely honest with the counsellor about the seriousness of his situation and must have gone into counselling with a view to cut down rather than stop completely.
We have downloaded some software to block gambling sites from the laptop but I'm not sure how to control this on his iPhone - any one have any ideas on this?
I am going to take control of the money from now on and see how it goes. He has never been one for bookies but I'm scared that if the internet route is closed for him, he might decide to do it in person - anyone experienced this?
I have contacted Gamcare and arranged some counselling for myself. I never thought it would come to this but after receiving such great responses on here, I realise I really need to speak to someone that understands what I'm going through. My two best friends know about this but no one else does and they actually don't know what to say to me.
When I think about the future it scares me to think that this might not get better. I have had my shouting moments but, on the whole, I think I have been quite understanding about the situation. I'm not sure how much longer I could carry on understanding without starting to resent him for it. It sounds so petty leaving him over this and breaking up our family when it's not like he has gambled the house away or anything stupid like that! As I said, we have a nice life and he works hard to support us, I wonder sometimes if I am being selfish by coming down so hard on him but when I think about all the things we could have done as a family with the money he has thrown away on gambling, it literally makes my blood boil. Also, the debts we have are like a noose around our neck, which makes me so angry. The 5k he spent last week was on a credit card, so that's just set us back further. Sorry for rambling, do any other partners/wives feel like this?
Hello worriedwife
Ive just read this thread and its exactly the same as what I am going through at the moment, almost word for word, even down to getting up early in the morning. I feel so stupid as its all starting to make sense now, how could i be so naieve?????
I arranged for us to go to see a counsellor but 3 hours before the appointment my husband apparantly made a full recovery from drinking and gambling! I decided to go alone and for the first time since finding out I feel that I've gained a little bit of confidence back.
The feelings you describe are exactly what i am feeling, am i making a mountain out of a molehill, am being to hard,anger at the situation, even is it my fault?!
I dont know whats going to happen, just today Ive found empty cans of beer spread out between bins, i assume to make it look like he isnt drinking as much, and the history on the laptop suggests he has been active on ******.
One thing i do know is that although it is a bit scary seeing a counsellor, (beyond anxious and nearly fled the waiting room) even in one session the weight lifted a bit, just to be able to pour everything out
I still feel incredibly anxious and almost sick and very tearful when I think about this situation, but the counsellor has made me realise one way or another there are options
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