My son has gambled on and off for about 7 years now. He suffers with depression and has had bad episodes of psychosis. Hes borrowed and gambled thousands and lied to all his family in order to gain more money. Ive tried so hard to help him and suggested everything. Some have worked temporarily and then back to square one. His father died a year ago and that set him back once again after getting a really well paid job. Ive bailed him out so often but I really feel I cant anymore. He earns more than I do and Im scrimping every month to support me and my youngest son who lives with me. Hes gambled all the money he got from his Dads estate. I foolishly got him a car on PCP in my name and am a guarantor on his flat as he had nowhere to live aftet his dad died (he lived with me temporarily) all because I saw him going down hill after his dad died and I just wanted to help him and I was really down at the time too. Hes now fallen out with his girlfriend who he lives with and I believe hes gambled his wage away again. I cant have him live with me again as hes like a dark cloud who just constantly presents me with issue after issue. I just want to be happy and him too obviously! Daily I wait for the message saying "can you lend me..." or "Ive lost my job" Im so miserable with it, I feel I need to cut ties with him to a certain extent. Ive been there constantly for him, always helping but he lies, then apologies, then promises which are hollow. I honestly cant live like this. I want him to be ok more than anything. Im frightened Ill lose my house because of him. Im at my wits end.
I have never experienced your dilemma but it certainly hits hard I can imagine the stress it causes it’s endlessly problematical and turns your head to spaghetti then you have no quality of life
Its going to be one tiny step at a time with all the help you can get and remember you must prevail all the dominoes will fall otherwise
best
Dear AB,
Thank you for sharing your situation on our forum, it sounds as though you have been very supportive of your son but this has affected you deeply and this has been going on a long time. If you have not done so already, please consider a one to one chat with an adviser on our 24/7 helpline - to discuss support options for you and how to support your son whilst creating boundaries to protect yourself. Our Money Guidance Service has this fact sheet on protective your finances
https://d1ygf46rsya1tb.cloudfront.net/prod/uploads/2023/03/J055641-Gamcare-Factsheet-9-WEB.pdf
We are also here for your son and anyone else being affected by gambling.
Best wishes
Fiona
Forum Admin
Hi
By me being consumed by my addiction I felt like Gambling controlled my ife.
It took me some time to walk in to the recovery program on that first day.
Yet over time I got more and more comfortable sharing with others and opening my mind that one day I will not want or need to gamble any more.
Before going to meetings did I think that my life was miserable, that I was causing my self more [ains and more fears being an addict.
Did I think that sharing my therapies in time would lead me to a much healthier life.
The more money I gave to the gambling establishments which I had worked hard for wast just wasted away.
The gambling caused a decline in me fullfiling my needs my wants and even goals.
I walked in to the recovery program feeling very inept very insecure, very inadequate and not worth any value.
For me the like minded people in the recovery program helped me abstain from gambling, they helped me value my self and learn to trust my self.
For me the gambling was very much soul destroying self destructive very unhealthy habit.
When people n the recovery celebrated time off gambling I did not thuink I could ever be that successful.
In time I was able to abstain from unhealthy gambling.
In time I was able to heal my pains.
In time I was able to face and reduce my fears.
In time I was able to become a person I was happy being.
Love healing and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi AB
please get some real physical help. I went to Gamanon. I know most disagree but I learnt how to make myself independent. I learnt that paying my husband’s debt was making easier for him to gamble.
he was like your son in a great job, thought he could afford it, gambled loans as well as salary . Got his mother to get him loans when I refused. Etc
you can get support at a meeting, rather than struggling alone. No one understands quite like others in your situation.
The key is not to give him money in any shape or form. Make him responsible for all debt. Don’t make excuses for him. Encourage him to get help. Either for gambling and depression. Call gamcare. There are meetings online too.
in my experience this went on for 20 years. I was scared of everything. I called stepchange, got credit reports. Went to Gamanon (hr drive away)He worked on cash and receipts. GA, Gp, medication.
you need help too. Talk to him and his girlfriend. No secrets, no bailing out. It’s hard, brutal but the only way.
My Mum bailed me out a few years ago, and i still went back to gambling. It was only when I was caught out a second time in the middle of another addiction to gambling where my family found out I’d taken out more loans, that I realised the pain I was causing others. I already hated myself, but to see what I’d done to others made it so much worse.
I immediately seemed help on here, installed all the options on my devices to ban myself and ban the ability to log into my online accounts. I had to prove to my family that I was deadly serious about stopping for good. I went on the Gamcare course followed by some further counselling which was brilliant.
i too lost my father a few years back and it was tough. But your son needs to realise it’s his turn to support you now and he needs to take full responsibility. Take every available measure to make sure he can’t gamble, lock up his bank cards to gambling sites and do all the things I mentioned above. He’s in a sorry state of chasing losses, I did this and nearly lost everything, I’m paying the debt back every month, and although it is hard financially it’s a stark reminder to never to do it again
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