My brother has been gambling all of his adult live. He is now 34 years old, married and has a daughter and another one of the way. My mother has been feeding his addition by giving him money to pay off his depts. He hounds her and threatens her until she gives in to his pleas. In total she has given him hundreds of thousands of pounds over the years and is facing financial problems herself as a result. He is in denial and at each time insists it is the last. I am unable to make my mum understand that she is not helping him in the long run and that he needs to face the consequences of his own acts. I have recently learnt that he has been violent to his wife when he is on a losing streak. I am at a loss of what to do. I have tried to get my mum to read up on gambling additions but she refuses and burries her head in the sand. I once managed to get her to see a counsellor but it was pointless. There are not many people who know about his addition and I wondered if it would help to tell his close friends and my sister in-laws family. Would this help him to face up to his problem? Any suggestions on how I can stop my mum giving him money are welcome and will be much appreciated.
Hi
Sorry to see this.
The first thing that springs to mind is her possibly giving you a power of attorney over her financial affairs but I think you and she need expert legal and financial advice starting with speaking to her bank. If he's threatening and hounding her and violent to his wife personally I wouldn't hesitate in speaking to the police. If you think he's likely to con friends and family into funding him a heads-up in not falling for a sob story wouldn't come amiss IMO.
Hi Felicity
How frustrating for you! His addiction has become her addiction and they are both in denial. You are dealing with 2 addicts and neither of them are motivated to change as in it's own sick way it still works for them both. I am a mom of an addict and know how very hard this is for your mom but she doesn't sound like she has had enough so you are right... therapy etc.are pointless. Perhaps if you could find a Gam Anon you could go to get some support for yourself? You could even invite your mom to go along with you?
I agree with Lethe... I wouldn't hesitate to tell family about his addiction. Addiction thrives on secrecy and putting the truth out there puts everyone on the same playing field.
Please get some support for yourself.
Cathyx
I’d move your focus from your mother and brother back over to you. You’re trying to change them and fix them and it’s a futile endeavour. The problem is not that you lack the magic formula, it’s that you are not your mother or your brother and the only person you control is you. You can’t stop for them. Put another way, Improvement begins with I.
Find GamAnon or CoDA meetings for you, to learn how to look after yourself in the face of family members who don’t do likewise.
re telling, I personally wouldn’t keep the secret because it condones and enables the gambling. But whether you tell or don’t tell is about your responsibility to your brother and to the potential funders of the gambling, the latter may not be happy to later discover that you knew what they didn’t know but needed to. That’s not the same thing as basing your decision to tell or not to tell purely on whether it will fix your brother.
Look after you.
CW
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