We have been together 10 years and married for 7. We have a 2 year old together. I only found out while I was pregnant that he was a gambler, he has been on and off for years, but due to then working away and having a good job I didn't know! It turned out he would go crazy and then stop for a while. Anyway while I was pregnant he had just transfered to be able to be home every evening. Thats when I really found out! His mood swings were terrible and he was verbally abusive and this I hadn't seen before. I actually thought he was having an affair or something so I did the awful thing of sneaking through emails and banks! o*g! The credit card we cleared together when we moved house was now 10k! I comfronted him, he admitted a problem and basically said everything i needed to hear! I love him and want to suppoet him so I did. I told him to talk to me etc. He would go with it until the next time... sometimes he would come up stairs and say I'm sorry, i know I have a problem and I will stop, then within 10 mins he would go downstairs and put 3k on a credit card! Long story short he got up to 23k on cards that i know of. I told him I would leave with our son and rent somewhere and I would never stop him seeing our boy. He promised it has stopped.. i love him.and wanted to believe him.. well it did stop! Only now he has replaced that addiction with another.. he is playing a game through google play and it puts money on it... sometimes a fiver a day sometimes ВЈ45 a day! Just checked and in 3 days he has put ВЈ193 on a game!!!!!!! Im at the end of my teather! I love him so much and with other things he is a good husband and daddy, but i do still see that monster mood sometimes and he is going to keep spending money. He does give himself spending money of about £400 per month for golf etc and he is paying the cards off, but my thoughts are the money he is wasting on a game he cpuld pay them off quicker! We are planning on selling up and moving slightly closer to my work, he has mentioned a couple of times that we could take money out of the house and pay the debt off once and for all, but i think , no that's not fair! I want security for our son etc. Part of me feels like i want to leave with my boy and the other part thinks I love him and dont want to take my son from.his daddy.... he just isnt going to stop and that constant break of trust! He even played it for a while in the morning, mid day and before bed on HOLIDAY! Help im loosing my mind and I cant talk to anyone! I want to help him but only he can really do that, i want to protect our boy but is taking him away from his daddy and his family home the way to go?
Oh Solo. I don't know what to say but you are not alone and you can talk to someone. I found the following things helpful: Use the freephone number the top of this webpage or the netline. You can get free counselling via this too. I found reading through other posts was helpful and I have posted and asked for support when I need some. I am having a good day today, other days I'm awful. I have counselling in place (although that's hard) and I have contacted Coda today and I am going to thier support group on Sunday. I understand where you are. You may feel like you are losing your mind but you will find it again. Talk to someone and put you and your boy first, whatever that means for you.
Hi solo, you are right in many things. Only he can stop and using equity to pay debts is a mistake. It's not your debt, it's his. Can you find a meeting? Call gamcare for support. The main thing to do is safeguard your finances. No bailouts, don't pay his debts. The gaming is gambling too. you need to get support for you. Don't keep secrets, addiction feeds on secrets and lies.
Update... thought things wete going well. He randomly wanted to stop and cancelled everything without me even mentioning it. Ive been monitoring but nothing in the junk mail so thought wow he is really trying.... then today i looked in deleted.. there it is.. payments for google play on a credit card .. it breaks me that he can do this.. we have a 2 year old who i dont want to break by taking him away.. but what can i do! Makes me so sad and i could just lock mysef away and cry and cry
Hi solo79, it's so frustrating when they don't see the damage they do. He's becoming more secretive because you gave him the ultimatum of 'stop or I leave'. Ultimatums don't work, as you're experiencing. The best thing is to get some support for yourself. Try and work out what your options are. Call gamcare and talk to someone? In my opinion I don't see the problem in telling someone that their behaviour is not part of a normal healthy relationship, that you will emotionally support them if they seek help. Addiction is complex and usually driven by something else. It becomes their coping mechanism. The only way to stop someone is stop access to money or internet. I don't know enough about google play. I do know you shouldn't be afraid to say it's unacceptable. I found things changed once I sought help for myself. Gamanon meetings are support and advice for relatives affected by gambling. Stepchange will help with debt. Gamcare can offer counselling. It's a terrible time, but things can improve if he's admitting a problem and willing to seek help.
Blinded by addiction, carrying on regardless of the consequences. I've sworn on my kids lives in the past, then forgotten about the promises I'd made the day before. Gambling addiction can be all consuming in active addiciton, not taking away the pain and frustration from what you are feeling, I very much doubt he's doing it to spite you. He needs help, you need help, like mentioned above, GA and Gamanon are very succcessful for people that keep going. Get whatever help you can, it needs tackling. It's progressive in it's nature and in my experience only ever got worse.
Wishing you both well
GamRecovery
I think it’s interesting that your title refers to “our life” in the singular and not “our lives” in the plural. That’s not just a matter of semantics but it indicates the extent to which you are tangled up with him. It shows your belief that you and he have one life together. But actually you are two separate adults, each with your own life that you may or may not choose to share together. It matters because two broken humans don’t make one whole intimate relationship. Until such time as you can separate yourself from him and be whole by yourself, you’ll remain enmeshed with him and continue to futilely try to control his addiction.
Leaving or staying isn’t about manipulating him so as to have an effect on his gambling. It’s about you and how you want to live your life. Move the focus over to you, to who you are and what you want and deserve. Help is available via GamAnon and or CoDA.
CW
The biggest problem i have is that i do love him with all of my heart, take the gambling away he is a loving, caring husband and father. His bond with our son is lovely and i feel i will not only punish him but my son too. I dont want to loose him and would love to support him to get help, but only he can want that. I want to do the best for my son but also to not just leave him when he clearly needs help... at the same time he doesnt seem to change. Im sooo confused on what to do! I feel like i cant talk to anyone
You're exactly right that only he can decide that he wants to stop. You can take steps to look after yourself and your son by safeguarding your finances as a starting point.
Hi solo79 there are many things you can do. Find a meeting, call gamcare, call stepchange. While you wait for him to stop this will get worse. As we have all said get help for you. If you change so will he. I went to gamanon alone, he followed to GA. People treat you how you let them. I have been married for nearly 20 years, it doesn't mean the end of anything but it does mean you have to look at yourself.
re loving him with all your heart: do you love him as he actually is, an active gambler with all the lies, manipulation, broken promises and emotional remoteness that goes with it, or do you love with all your heart a fantasy of who he would be if only he wasn’t a gambler?
Ditto his bond with your son: is he really there for him, placing him first every time...or is he placing the gambling first (nearly) every time?
Your recovery depends on you facing reality as it actually is, rather than minimising the damage and making excuses for it.
If you leave for the right reasons, you’re not “punishing” anybody, not your son and not him. It would be a consequence, that his behaviour is unacceptable and you won’t tolerate it. Gamblers in recovery (that I’ve met) can usually look back on broken relationships and accept that it’s not a punishment but a consequence.
The right reasons for leaving are because you’re not getting what you need, want and deserve from the relationship and you need to know what it is that you do need, want and deserve first. You need to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want in life as the starting point. From there, you can decide whether you want to share your life with him, whether he fits in with your vision. But leaving or staying is entirely about you and nothing to do with a dramatic bid to have him stop gambling because he’ll “lose you both”.
Move the focus over to you.
CW
Cynical wife wrote:
re loving him with all your heart: do you love him as he actually is, an active gambler with all the lies, manipulation, broken promises and emotional remoteness that goes with it, or do you love with all your heart a fantasy of who he would be if only he wasn’t a gambler?
Ditto his bond with your son: is he really there for him, placing him first every time...or is he placing the gambling first (nearly) every time?
Your recovery depends on you facing reality as it actually is, rather than minimising the damage and making excuses for it.
If you leave for the right reasons, you’re not “punishing” anybody, not your son and not him. It would be a consequence, that his behaviour is unacceptable and you won’t tolerate it. Gamblers in recovery (that I’ve met) can usually look back on broken relationships and accept that it’s not a punishment but a consequence.
The right reasons for leaving are because you’re not getting what you need, want and deserve from the relationship and you need to know what it is that you do need, want and deserve first. You need to know who you are, what you stand for, what you want in life as the starting point. From there, you can decide whether you want to share your life with him, whether he fits in with your vision. But leaving or staying is entirely about you and nothing to do with a dramatic bid to have him stop gambling because he’ll “lose you both”.
Move the focus over to you.
CW
I really appreciate the brutal talk. It is exactly what i need.
Away from him i am a strong person with a strong career etc. For some reason (maybe its something that has been drumed in for a long time) but i am scared to take my son away from him in case i am doing wrong for my son. I worry i wouldn't be able to manage on my own and scared to miss put on my son as i will have to share christmas and special times. Even as i read this i want to slap myself..
You are so right. Im just so scared.
Only in the last couple of days he is now putting 2-5 transactions a day on to this game.
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