My partner has gambled money from work please help

wow, I'm really sorry this is happening to you.

However, this is not your problem to solve, it is his.

This might not be good, it is going to hurt and you do have to remain strong, for yourself.

Why is it you asking the questions, what is he doing to face the consequence of his actions, his decisions?

I am a compulsive gambler and yes I would want help, however that help needs to be different to what he will want right now.

Whislt he is deciding what he is going to do, you need to decide what you are doing, for yourself, to protect you.

If I've read it correctly, he has stolen from his employer. There are likely to be more consequences, unless his employer does take sympathy, his best chance of that is surely to be upfront and honest however I would suggest he is phoning the experts to discuss that further

take care of yourself and my thoughts are with you as this must be horrendous for you to face - it is not your fault though, not at all. stay strong and take care

This isn't going to be what you want to hear but sadly he will almost certainly be fired after due process. If they will accept a resignation and a repayment plan it won't impact his employment record as heavily but there are no guarantees and it's equally likely they may want to pursue it legally which could result in a conviction.He really is in the hands of his employers and it's for him to handle.

As always look after you.

Hi,

Best advice is to move the focus over to you. You didn’t Cause the gambling, you can’t Control the gambling and you can’t Cure the gambling. But you can choose whether you want to live your life this way.

The best thing that you can do for him is to refuse to stand between him and the consequences of his gambling. His employment situation is between him and his employer, it’s a situation that he’s caused. In one respect, feeling the full consequences of a crisis encourages gamblers to realise that their lives have become unmanageable and to seek help, the best source is GA.

If you become involved in trying to raise money or if you support both of you after he’s fired, then you’re allowing the gambling to continue. Similarly if you smother your own emotional response in a bid to continue the relationship, then any low behaviour will go. Put another way, what you allow - for you - is what will continue. And there are no prizes for martyrs.

By moving the focus over to you (away from what he’s done, what might happen to him and how he’ll cope), you can look at how you’re going to cope with the situation that you’re in. That’s what you need help and support with, it’s very hard to step back when you’re not used to it and the instinct is to rescue. The best support is via GamAnon or if it’s not local, try CoDA or AlAnon. But the onus is on you to help yourself.

I also recommend reading “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood.

Look after you,

CW

Cynical Wife, Lethe and Conpulsive Gambler firstly thank you so much to take the time to reply to me. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. You are right though this isn’t my fault, my work won’t be affected, so I will focus on that as I really enjoy my work. If he looses his job and doesn’t get another, which is likely without references we might have no choice but to move out. I haven’t caused this yet I’m stressed. I woke up this morning wishing it was all a nightmare I could wake up from. Sadly not, I want to support him, I love him and he is not a bad person he just has a very bad problem. But I fear it has gone above even me to solve and rescue him from now, like you said what if they take legal action? I don’t know what could happen to him? Our life that we’ve been building? It’s all so serious I can’t even comprehend it. I don’t want to face it, I don’t want life to change but he has already made that decision. I don’t know how to protect myself because I’m already feeling this stress. I don’t know how to go oh really, how do you pick yourself up from here? I have a call with my counsellor later maybe he can help me think about me more like you have all said and protect myself and to remember I didn’t cause this. Thank you once again, I’m just so scared about the future. This is not the life I want to be living xxxx

Hi anonymous I know that often part of 'order' that you receive from court, if it goes that far, is to attend GA. You too can go to gamanon meetings if there is one near you. If you are looking for support that may be the best place. Definitely look after yourself.

8 months on from splitting with a compulsive gambler and a person I believed was my soul mate for most of our 7 yrs! I loved him more than I can say, I tried my best to understand, help and support, but I made that fateful mistake thinking I could fix him! We as loving partners can't fix a person with such an addiction all by ourselves. It's professional help he needs and a reality check that he and only he needs to face the consequences of his actions. It's not your fault!

I made the mistake of being the financial fixer for my now ex, housing him, feeding him and paying for hols to pull him from his 'lows!'. Added to a huge amount to settle debt he owed to many people, I lived with the worry each day yet he still laughed and did all he wanted to do...he didn't care once he was bailed out! I didn't really understand the condition and he knew it! I was a good target. Only he can get help and sort his issues out now...just as u need to let ur man do. There is no support group that I have found to help affected partners meet and chat and receive therapy. I'd urge any affected partner to walk away as soon as possible or you will struggle to mend, is all I can say. I still get upset, and it upsets me to think another girl is sat sobbing Valentine's Day because of worry and how she is being affected by a person's addiction, but she cries because she loves the man. There really should be more out there for partners to meet in person and discuss how they have been affected. We need therapy just as much as the gambler does! I dream my ex will be fixed and one day but I am realising also, that I am important and I deserve to be happy again and not worry each day about somebody else's debts due to ignoring their own issues and then relying on kind caring people to get them out the mess! I do hope you make the right decision FOR YOU! Make next Valentines Day a Happy one! You can do it.... I am and tough it is but I sleep a little better now I don't have a man lying to me about everything that comes with the devastating gambling addiction. Stay strong....love and find peace! Xx

Hi Rose thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate it. What you said has touched a nerve and something that must have been so hard for you to do. I too have had 7 years with my boyfriend and I can’t imagine my life without him. Apart from his gambling he is everything I want, but as you know gambling overshadows that. When did you decide enough was enough? Is your life better now? Do you stay in contact? Is he better?? I want to stay and then I want to leave and then I want to stay. I’m scared of what I will do if he leaves. I’m scared what will happen to my life if I leave. Sorry if these questions are too personal for you to answer but they are everything that goes through my head. What if he does get better and I gave up and he has a life with someone else? I can’t stand the thought of not being with him if he gets better. I don’t know what to do. I want him but I don’t want this life, this pain, this stress. Are you happier now? Sorry for all the questions but you understand exactly how I feel. Thanks again, I hope you are happier now and have found that peace xxxxx

Anony mous

You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself right now, all these thoughts, these decisions you are trying to make

breath, take some time, give yourself some headspace

One thing you do know is you dont want this life as it is, with him and his addiction. Let him get the help he needs, take the steps he needs to take - if he wants to then he will

If he does, then you can think about the 'us' but until then, protect yourself, look after you and give yourself time - it is the very least you deserve

this doesn't mean, you have to decide to split either, not yet. Just take a time out

best wishes

Thank you so much Compulsive Gambler, that is great advice and the instruction I need right now. I am panicking and overthinking about everything. I always think ahead and he only every thinks day by day. I will try to take a step back as you say, not rush my decisions and just take my time. I had a panic attack when I found out because everything just flashed before my eyes and I couldn’t breathe. I’m making it harder for myself with all this pressure. Thank you for taking the time to reply. You have no idea how helpful you have been with your advice. Thank you xxxxx

Hi Anony Mous,

it sounds like you are going through a challenging time in your relationship and there are some decisions to be made.

You have had some excellent support and advice from the Forum so far, please feel free to keep posting. And also please feel free to talk to one of our advisers either on the Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or on the Netline here.

GamCare also offer one-to-one counselling for affected others, this is an option for you as well.

All the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Dear Anony Mous, I know exactly how you feel. I honestly do! Deciding factor for me was that I couldn't deal with the lying and behaviour that came with my man's difficulty any longer. I gave it two shots, second time believing his claims of 'becoming a better man and realising his mistakes', and 'i will make all up to you' comments. However, all was short lived when I agreed to try again, and I faced reality one day, that he actually saw me as his carer, not his partner, and despite help he was claiming to be receiving every Friday, he would never include me and was extremely secretive despite my offers to go to any support groups or sessions with him if he wanted me to. I don't know even if he went, and added to finding women's phone numbers etc... I guess I finally gave in. If a man loves he shows it in actions. Mine couldn't give anything....just took. But it had not been that way for the first 3 yrs. He hid and denied his difficulties for too long, but when not with me partied his life away. Thing is I still loved him but in truth...in response to your question, no I don't feel any better 8 m down the line. He broke my heart, he made me feel worthless at times when he was low or angry. I made my decision for me as he made me feel Ill, his behaviour got worse, and I ended up reaching out for help. I also learned I was the third relationship to have experienced this treatment and so yes.... I had no choice but to save me this time and walk away. I care, I still love him and I always will. Why, people ask.. Only you will probably understand it when I say it was because ' I was genuine and cared and loved with a whole heart'.

It is your life and your choice but I chose not to sit another day feeling as though my heart was being ripped out and my once very happy and healthy mind being slowly mashed to bits! You sound a lovely person and I know exactly how hard your situation is. If I had thought for one minute that I could have tried a third time....saved him.... then maybe I would have given it one last shot at support. But the gambling partner needs to also prove he loves you enough to work with you and involve you and see the professionals. Sadly mine chose not to, basically due to his anger of me finding out the depth of his issues which he continued to lie about to my face. And I will hold my hand up and say.... I didn't know how to help my man and I may not have dealt with it in the right way, but I didn't know what to do or who to turn to. I didn't even know who to speak with for months!

I couldn't live with dishonesty any longer! But I wish my ex health, happiness and peace. Just remember it is your life, your happiness and your decision.... Hard as I may sound, I have been moulded in to this way now. Remember life is precious and I totally 100% understand your dilemma in making decisions. I decided to emigrate after 7 years of constant worry and my life hopefully will now improve. But suspicion I cannot live with as it is not healthy, nor would I be just 'another' lie.

i miss my man terribly, we were so great together. I know he will be happy now as I also realised he had already moved on before we split, which actually was the reason I made my decision to walk away. I hope your situation is less complex but when trust is broken it is hard to get it back. Just take care of yourself, think of you! If he really cares he will do all he possibly can to get help, face up to his issue, and do everything possible to save your relationship. It is heartbreaking and I am sending you a huge hug....because that was all I needed many times throughout my experience but I had nobody to help me. I thought it was my fault and didn't know what I could say or couldn't say. And he told me I was making it all up and it was conspiracy theory. Fact was fact.... He was I'll and needed help. I was becoming I'll and needed to face fact and run! I chose to save me.

i pray you work things out and all is ok in time. But I am sorry if this sounds negative, but after 7 yrs battle I am a shadow of the girl I was, and it upsets me hearing of others going through same. Big hug x

Anon - How are things? you doing ok?

Hi Anon,

I have just read your thread and I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

As others have said, this is not your debt (although this obviously does affect you). As the wife of a CG it took me a while to come to terms with the fact it is his debt and he needs to sort it out. I could help him but what would he learn from that?

Has he decided what to do about his employer? It will go against everything he wants to do but he has to come clean to his employer. This sort of thing doesn't go away and the earlier he owns up and offers to put a payment plan in place the more likely that option will even be on the table. if he waits to get found out (and it's only a matter of time) the consequences will be worse.

Good luck, and most importantly look after yourself!!

Hi everyone thank you very much for your concern and your comments and compulsive gambler for checking up on me. I’m sad to report that my partner has lost his job today. He came clean to his employer and they at first seemed understanding. However today a meeting was called and they had hired a private investigator to follow him and track his movements and photograph them. So they know everything and he won’t get paid at the end of the month and I don’t know what to do. This is beyond what I signed up for, what am I supposed to do? He wants my support but why should I? He caused all of this, it is entirely his fault and I don’t want to pick up the pieces anymore. I feel at a loss. I really appreciate everyone’s comments and stories they are sharing and I’m sorry I haven’t addressed them I will do when I get the chance. I just don’t know what is happening to my life. I really tried to try and live day by day and stop planning my life like I always want to do. But I can’t even deal with this day. What will tomorrow bring they haven’t confirmed legal action but if they hired a private investigator then I’m sure it should going down that route. What if he goes to prison? I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at my limit. Thank you everyone so much for just caring about my situation and sharing your advise and support. I can’t tell you how much you are saving me xxxx