My son is 24 years old and he just can't seem to get his life in order. He has been supported all his life, and when he started uni he developed a gambling problem. I have to say, I never really fully understood how bad this was. We have, as a family gone through four years of hell. His habit has resulted in him stealing from his family and this is so out of character of my lovely son who is loving, caring and such an amazing person. We ( my husband and I ) have got him out of many scrapes, we have supported him to access counselling, gam care included. Just recently, things seemed to be getting better, then out of the blue, when his life seemed good, e.g. job good, girlfriend situation good, he stole money from his employment ( luckily a family business of ours and we decided not to take it further) to fund his gambling. With his salary and the money he stole and a 2,000 overdraft we reckon he went through 8,000 in 12 weeks!!!!!!! My question is that given he has gambled before, got into big scrapes then been really depressed after losiong all the money. He always has the same experience of feelin low with suicidal feelings, so why if he knows this is what he will feel does he do it over and over again? I really don't understand even though I know it's an illness, but he knows it ends up in him feeling low and depressed and with possibilities that he will lose his girl. Can anyone help me to understand? Just want to add, that I have read soem of the comments on the forum and I havn't as yet seen any refer to stealing to feed the habit. Is this common or not?
Sandra, thank you for taking the time to reply at lenght. I felt your pain, as I do my son's. We are doing our best, I just hope he can find out the underlying reason for his problem. He has been lucky to have a good life with so many positives, so I don't know where the problem lies. I will take on board everything you have said. many thanks
xxx
Hi JTC
Your son has developed a mental obsession with gambling. He's a compulsive gambler who has no control when he relapses, as he can't gamble normally.
I'm 10 months free of gambling after 12 years trapped by the addiction, and enduring multiple relapses along the way.
It's frustrating and baffling to family members as - similar to depression - relapses aren't logical and can often occur when everything else seems settled, to outsiders at least.
For me, gambling had become so ingrained I didn't know how to handle everyday life without it. I would be fine for a while but whenever something changed in my life, or I faced some difficulty or challenge, or felt down, or worried, I relapsed, as it became my default state.
There is no one underlying reason, I'm afraid, no pill or quick fix that will resolve the issue.
I can only speak for myself. Compulsive gambling is a chronic condition but it can be arrested. I have lived without gambling for 10 months and I hope that will be the case for rest of my life. I have a lifetime of vigilance though to ensure it happens.
It's up to your son ultimately. He has to accept he can't ever gamble again and then he needs to find proper help.
For me, it's GA. The meetings are the only way I have found that can break the cycle of addiction.
Your son needs to arrest his behaviour. Addiction is repetitive, frustrating and predictable. Without proper long-term support he will find it hard to move on with his life.
I found over time, each relapse was worse than the one before and I created even more damage.
All you can do is offer the right advice to your son and be there for him. He needs to genuinely want to stop and he needs continued on-going support.
Thanks so much clearmind for you reply, it has given me hope, but I hope he will see his way to freedom soon and not in 12 years time. Is this possible.
Hi JTC,
Addiction counselling is such a great help. It is very difficult to do this alone.
There is great help available if your son will take it.
It is such a hidden addiction. The fact that you know about it is a positive.
Learn as much as you can about gambling addiction. The more you understand, the more you will make the right moves.
Ring the helplines. Read the diaries for "Friends & Families".
There is hope. There are plenty of success stories.
It is a tough path but many people turn their back on gambling and go on to do great things.
Look after yourself. That's the most important thing at the moment.
Take care,
Suzy
Hi JTC
Of course it is. I know plenty of younger people (in their early 20s) in recovery, who have managed to arrest the obsession. Day by day their lives are getting better and they are recovering.
Your son has to admit he is powerless over gambling, that it is effectively controlling him.
I'm no expert but I only started to make progress when I was completely honest and open about the extent of my gambling and the level of debt I was in to my family and loved ones. Encourage him to tell you everything and get it all out in the open.
It will be upsetting for you and your son but you have to draw a line in the sand and accept what's done is done and move on from there.
I then handed over the management of my finances to someone I trusted and limited the amount of cash I had access to on a monthly, and cut off all credit options.
It's not a short term fix, it's a permanent arrangement and I'm happy with it. 75% of my salary gets transferred to someone I trust to manage on my behalf, who handles paying bills, loans and general monthly expenses.
It's still my money and I decide how much is spent or saved but it's effectively having a financial advisor/guardian in place to safeguard against any future slips. It also gives them peace of mind, which is important as well, and removes any financial pressure from me.
However, I can't stress the importance of ensuring your son receives continued long-term support to stay away from gambling, as no matter how long he is away from a bet, if he returns to gambling the consequences will be the same.
The financial side of things is the easiest to fix. As I said before, gambling became a mental obsession, and was ingrained with how I coped with life and my emotions.
I'm going to GA now but have had counselling through Gamcare. GA is the only thing that's worked for me.
Your son has to be completely honest about everything in his life, and that's quite difficult for compulsive gamblers initially as they are so used to desperately trying to cover up their behaviour on a day to day basis.
There is every reason to be hopeful as, from the sounds of it, your son realises he has a problem, and you are willing to do all you can to help him.
Hi JTC
I too have a son who is a compulsive gambler. He is 25 years old and has been gambling since he was 18. Unfortunately it is a progressive disease that gets worse as time passes.
My son is also a lovely, handsome, sensitive young man. He has also stolen from us (we also own our own business) and when in the gambling cycle anything out of his mouth is a lie. He has lost thousands of $$$ . Again like your son after the binges I would get the vague self-harm texts followed by depression. I would think most gamblers are depressed as it is a brutal way to live.
I know this is not what you want to hear but there is absolutely nothing you can do until HE decides he has truly had enough. Unfortunately it can take a while to get there. This will never makes sense to you as a mom as it is hard to imagine anybody putting themselves thru all this.
The best thing I did was join Gam-Anon. I was able to talk to people going thru the same thing and they truly understand. It has also given me the strength to do what I have to do on my end i.e. not enable.
On a very positive note my son did start GA (on his own-no prodding from us) and is almost at 6 months gamble free with one relapse!
Take Care of yourself first JTC it's not an easy road!
Dear half life , i know what you mean about safety net, I feel bad cos that is what I think we have done, you know, try to put a sticky plaster over it, fix it for him, and we have probably made it worse. This last incident was one where I couldn't do that because he sunk so low in obtaining money for gambling, he has lost his job and now feels helpless. He has use of a. Car that we own and my husband says we need to sell it to pay for his debts. I wonder if we should, do this or will it make things more difficult for him in the future. Today I feel so low. He is so depressed and just lying in bed. We had a counseling appointment for him onThursday but he wouldn't go. I feel so lost and my heart is aching. We have been here so many times and then things get better, then as soon as they do we end up back at square one. He is such a fantastic person but I feel we are losing him. Jobs are hard to find at best, at the moment he is so low he probably can't work. The only good thing is he has no money now to gamble, but his life is empty just being at home all the time.
Hi clear mind, thanks for that. It's tough love. I know I just want to take control and sort it all out and make it better but I can't.
Dear Amom, so pleased that your son is making progress. One of the things for me is that I can't believe this is happening to our son, our family, I just don't know where it has come from, as I suppose most people on this forum also think. has your son managed to stay in employment? I know this seems trivial, but we have a car that my son uses, my husband thinks we should sell it to pay of some of his debts. This will make him more isolated in terms of getting about as we are quite rural. You said you know what you need to do not to feed his habit, what do you think we should do, would it make his life worse. Then again he couldn't get to the bookies as easy. He is so low at the moment, not getting out of bed now for three days
By the way we are going to join gam anon
Oh JTC it is sooo hard. Watching your child consumed by this. I think you can only do what you are comfortable with. We too eventually hit our rock bottom when we had enough. My son has managed to keep his job (it is a job he loves and wants to make a career of it). I was told that the difference between helping and enabling is that enabling is doing for them what they are capable of doing themselves. As a parent especially a mom we want to swoop in and make everything all better and I think it stops them from getting to where they need to be i.e. face-to-face with this addiction.
Be kind to yourself and if you can try to take a step back away from the drama they create.
Hi JTC. Thanks for reading my post. I'm sorry I can't really be sure if selling the car is the best thing. It could be helpful reality check which might shake his mind onto a more clear and focused path or it might add to his depression. One of the problems for a compulsive gambler is the need to put something right immediately. If we lose money gambling we must try to win it back straight away usually quickly spiraling out of control with a 50 loss becoming 500 or thousands. The 3 big things I would say to your son if I could look him in the eye is 1) You will never win! So stop digging yourself and your family deeper. However depressed you are now there is no such thing as rock bottom. It can always get worse. You have to get off this evil slippery slope. Do it now! And this leads onto... 2) This will take time. Do not forget your losses but accept they are not coming back. Soon your debts will start decreasing and eventually go and once you have real money you have actually earned and some time between you and your last bet it will start to get easier. BUT it won't happen immediately. Give control of your finances to your family for a while and accept you can't be trusted. 3) Do other things with your life. Avoid the triggers. If you gamble on sport then stop watching it. If you gamble on line then get off the damned PC. Change habits. Go running, read books, find a new job. Spend less time thinking about NOT gambling and more just doing other things. Well done for sticking with your son and helping and supporting him but be tough with him. I found it hard to beat gambling but in the end my love for life and my family got me through and I changed habits that had built up steadily over 20 years. I know I won't gamble again and these things worked for me. If your son could understand that only 2 years ago I felt just like him(read my diary) but am now so happy and contented because I did one thing...I stopped gambling. Best wishes I will be thinking of you all. DB
Thank you so much Diggoryboy, you give me hope, it's just that I can't get him to talk about how he wants to move forward. He can't just stay in bed all day which he has been doing. I am going to try and get him to read this thread. I love him so much but I feel really exhausted and weary . Thanks again
My son is exactly the same..24 years old & been gambling for 8 years. He has stolen from employers & we have bailed him out many times. We live in dread of the next time, which always comes. He has just sent me a text to say he has told his employers as he can't stand the stress or risk not resisting the temptation to steal again.He says they let him resign rather than sack him. This may be all lies, as we can barely believe a word he says.So now he has no job, lost his car that went with the job & no money. He is in a house share costing him £350 rent & has a £2500 loan to repay that he gambled. What do we do? It doesn't work if we pay his debts, but he has to live & eat & have money to look for another job. He has been to GA on & off, but does seem to want to get help this time...even looking for CB therapist, which we will have to fund of course.
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