New and Devastated

Try and get the tyre fixed and go. Life goes on and he could afford the gambling you can afford necessities. You will feel better if you go, just for today don't think about it.

Gosh, I'm embarrassed, I'm not even drinker, just kids were at staying at a friends house and too much red wine got me into a state, too much wallowing, I've never gone into a pub on my own. I've taken the car to the local garage to get the tyre fixed, all sortable and just about affordable. Thank you for all for the advice - time to make some big decisions and set some boundaries.

Hi - I was in a similar position only 2 months ago - after 30 years of marriage I discovered my husband had been a completely secret gambler throughout our entire life together. This site has been invaluable to me and I was able, very quickly to take control of the finances and put GameStop software on his phone and iPad. My husband is having 1:1 counselling and attending GA meetings - however he has already reapplied for another personal account and I have absolutely no trust in him with money. My children are all grown up and I have have decided to divorce him as I know I will never be able to trust him again and the amount of family lost runs into hundreds of thousands of pounds. I’ve decided that the best thing for me to is be completely independent from him so that I can have a secure future. I understand that he has an illness and I’m digging deep to show some compassion to aid with his recovery - we were able to have a very decent Xmas day altogether. I chose to tell his parents to try and avoid them bailing him out of his debt but I feel they won’t understand the necessity to make him take responsibility for it. Maybe down the line he will be able to prove to me that he really is doing everything to overcome his addiction but in the meantime I’m not prepared to take that chance. You will be in complete shock - the adrenaline helped me in the first couple of weeks to do all the practical things but now the emotional impact has hit hard - I’m having some counselling for me to help deal with the anger, betrayal, loss and trust issues that I will carry with me for some time. I hope you have the stength for what comes ahead for you - I have a core group of very good friends who have been invaluable to me - don’t be afraid to open up to yours and anyone else that can support you. I’m in a much stronger place now after only 2 months. Take care of yourself - much empathy from me to you x

Thanks, KittieKat. I'm sorry for what you have been through. We spent Christmas together - my kids are so young and I wanted them then to be ok. And although he's taken all the steps he can so far - I can't bear to look at him, even though I know it's an addiction, I'm struggling to show any compassion. I have very good friends, and I know whatever happens I'll be ok, and I take heart from your story about feeling stronger. I've told everyone, I won't lie for him or protect in the hope that he'll be so ashamed he won't do it again - but deep down I'm not holding out much hope.x

Shame won't stop an addict. Emotional support and encouragement to attend meetings, blocks of all kinds (gamstop, self exclusion, handing over finances) and change in behaviour.

Hi Pattie

I just wanted to add that 10 years ago we separated because of yet another financial crisis - our children were much younger then . We had couples counselling and even some money management advice as as that point I did not know about his gambling 🙁 - I took him back then because I put the children and my strong belief in “family” first. If he had been able to disclose the gambling then I would possibly have had the strength to stay with him and put all my energy into helping him manage he addiction - we may still have ended up divorcing but now I feel he had his final chance then and by not disclosing to me we have spent another 10 years of financial instability - eroding all our savings, a lot more equity in the house and currently with £42 of credit card debt. I now believe that even the thought of losing me wasn’t enough of a “wake up” call so I’m left only with divorcing him to ensure I can keep my sanity and security for the future. So many people have told me to put myself first and that is exactly what I am doing - yes my life will be very different- I’ll probably have to rent from now on and at 55 I’ll only be able to secure a relatively low paid job (I’ve only ever had part time work whilst the children were young and he was very well paid) but, I will be in in control of my destiny from now on and that is priceless. The dust will settle from this massive upheaval and I truly believe I will be a better, stronger person once I’ve had the proper support for myself. I was advised to read a book called “co dependency no more” which was a “light bulb” moment for me. Arm yourself with as much information as you can and only then make your decision as to how you want to go forward. Make that decision for you. Read cynical wife’s posts along with as many others as you can to understand what your life could be like if you to choose to stay. I chose to get very drunk with a close friend which allowed me to release some of my anger away from family - she was amazing and just let me rant howl and sob whilst soothing me. Drink is not the long term answer tho but it helped me that evening - and by releasing some anger helped me relax over Xmas without any snide comments or tension present. Today is a new day for me and that’s how it will be for a while - one day at a time - listening to my inner voice to keep me focused away from all the turmoil. Praise yourself for having got through Xmas, your children will be able to look back and appreciate you more in years to come. Keep your head held high - you are not to blame in any way for this. Take care and good luck x