New Worried Mum

Hi and welcome...I've only been here 2weeks and I am...or can now say was the gambler...there are lots of parents on here who will help you with your questions....from a gamblers point of view all I needed from my family was support love and encouraging to beat this vile addiction which can grab anybody from any walk of life...deep breath ..one day at a time ...hope it goes well x

Thanks Loxxie. One of the hardest things is not being able to believe a word he says.....

Hi

Its a difficult one if he doesnt feel he is addicted. I hope you can step in as much as you can without seeming intrusive.

No relationship can be truly happy if one partner has a gambling addiction. I dont understand why his girlfriend isnt more worried.

What I needed from my family was unconditional love and someone who would be prepared to manage my money. Yes I expected initial sadness and disappointment when I told them. What I got was the financial support laced with frustration and the anger that I was causing them. The financial support on its own solves nothing as I would tend to gamble with anything left over after an emergency food purchase. I dont think they fully understood the addiction and I was just a naughty boy that needed to snap out of it.

The addiction ruins the gambler to the point where they dont know what you are doing any more. It takes them into another mental world far away from planet reality. With a girlfriend earning or supportive parents that would just create a feeling that I had backup to continue gambling.

He needs to admit to a problem. He seems to have the classic signs of always being on fruit machines etc.

It is something you need to talk to him about again. I do hope you can help put the addiction behind him

I don,t think any of it is harsh it is just hard as a parent when your natural instinct is to help and support in whatever way necessary.

His girlfriend is now very aware of what's going on and is a very smart girl but wants to be supportive..... at least in the short term. They are both half way through their respective degrees. I have talked to her at length and said she needs to think long and hard whether she can and is willing to stay with a CG as it could be a problem/potential problem for life. I love her to bits and she has put up with a lot more than I would in a boyfriend but she insists she will support him through this at least until he's been to the therapy and see if that can help.

We have bailed him out in the past with debts not realising he had a gambling problem but one thing I have already picked up on here is that we cant continue to do this and as of now it will stop. The only financial commitment we will now make is to pay for his counselling/hypnotherapy, direct to the counsellor too.

His girlfriend was looking after his bank cards etc but he was still gambling online with details already set up. It was also causing arguments when he asked for them for various things so she has given them back. He needs to come to terms with the problem and take responsibility for his own money, she is younger than him and shouldnt need to be his carer/banker. I have suggested she changes her PIN numbers though on her own accounts if he knows what they are and is careful where she leaves cash etc. (I cant believe I am saying this of my son)

I dread to think how much he has lost and is paying in interest on his credit card debts.....makes me wonder if it is worth going to uni as unless he admits to himself that he has a problem and gets help, whatever earnings he eventually gets will go on gambling. He may as well have stayed working in the job he loved but had ne real prospects.

One thing I struggle with is why he is doing it? Did something go wrong in his childhood or more recently to cause it?

Hi AWP

I am the mom of a compulsive gambler. My son is 27 in a few months. The "why" is a very difficult question. One that perhaps even your son does not have the answer to. In my son's case it's escapism, his way of coping with life. As Half-life has said it is very progressive and it will not just disappear without a lot of work from the addict.

Yes I absolutely agree ... it is hard as a parent not to want to help and fix. To those looking from the outside it is so clear what needs to be done. Unfortunately a mind that is addicted will not see things the same way. All of our words of wisdom, our insight and advice will fall on deaf ears. As parents this will be the hardest part - the standing by and waiting for your son to realize what you already know.

Try wherever possible to let him face the natural consequences of gambling all of his money. They say that an addict can't survive without an enabler. His life has to become unmanageable to him, otherwise he has no reason to change. I don't know what you do about the gf? Just as you can't control your son , you can't control her either. She obviously loves your son and thinks she is helping. Hopefully as he is using her the most financially she will tire of supporting him.

Be patient with yourself. You are just learning about this addiction. The best advice I can give you is to educate yourself on compulsive gambling, continue to read some of the stories on the forum, and get yourself some support through Gamcare and or Gam Anon. Support from others in the same situation is invaluable to me.:)

Take Care

Cathy

Hi AWP, I just wanted to make sure that you had picked up on how important it is to be kind to you in all of this! It's going to hurt watching your son self destruct but this is not your fault & all you can do for him is be there...You didn't make him start & you cannot make him stop!

Us compulsive gamblers live in a cycle of denial & blame...We are selfish & manipulative & even when we decide we want help, initially the only help we really want is to stop losing. My mother is also a CG who has handed her cards over untold times...So far she has reported them lost or simply withdrawn money from the bank after a short period of 'good behaviour'. I know from my best intentions to quit that everytime I said 'no more' I really really meant it but until I reached out & accepted help, I just kept going straight back to it the second my withdrawal limits had reset or the 'shops' re-opened. I think the fact that he had handed them over is an indication that he does know he has something that needs addressing. I too kidded myself that holding down a job & paying my bills meant I didn't have one even though it was the bank managers/credit card companies/bank of Nan keeping my head above water. Early doors I formed the opinion that we had to want recovery but day@atime who has been in recovery for a v long time & is very active in GA said in a thread that it matters not what drags people through the doors to GA, just being there is sometimes enough to kick start it. If your son is doing it to keep you happy, accept this as proof of how much he loves you because if he doesn't accept the help, there are going to be stormy waters ahead where you may find yourselves doubting this!

Maybe worth pointing his girlfriend 'our' way...If nothing else, she maybe could do with some support herself?

I hope having them home is not too stressful. Look after you - ODAAT

Hi there - i totally understand what you are feeling. Firstly you have done nothing wrong this is not your fault not your addiction. It is very hard not to jump in and fix everything for your son as that's what is mothers do! Read everything you can about this addiction on these forums. You will read stories that will break your heart to think this could be your sons future but you will also read stories of success! - when I found out in November my 25 year old son had been gambling for over two years I just wanted to wade in take control and fix everything. He was very moody with us at first, we argued, he denied he had a problem. I like you questioned what defines a compulsive gambler, how much do you have to spend before being a cg? I had lots of questions and a lot to learn about this addiction. Things have got better for my son I have control of his finances and transfer 'spends' to another card. I don't like that I have to do this but he needs this security at the moment. His mood is so much better and he is happy with this arrangement. Try and get your sons credit file then you can see if he has used pay day loans etc, ask to see his bank statements. We did help our son out on the understanding that we were added as another person to his bank account so I can see everything. When I first looked at past statements I was heartbroken! I had all kinds of emotions, I wanted to scream at him 'why have you been so bludy stupid'! I wanted to hug him and protect him and take it all away from him! Although my son was working and earning a decent wage he was had got himself into a vicious circle of working, gambling, payday loans. His head must have been exploding with it all. I'm just so pleased we found out when we did as he really would have been unable to sort it all out. I was the one to phone pay day loans with his consent and sort things out. Some say I shouldn't do this some say to leave them get to their rock bottom. I couldn't do that if he had lost his car he would have lost his job and I wasn't prepared to let that happen. You know your son best, take advice and use the bits you feel is right for your son as all of our children/cg are different. Your sons girlfriend sounds like a loyal girlfriend but as you say how long will she be prepared to live this life especially if she sees no improvement. - I hope your son can work with his girlfriend and yourself to try and get in control of this horrible addiction. It will for now take over your every thought but hopefully things will get better for him and for you all. Take care - wcid x

Hi, AWP,

Just picking up on the "what did I do wrong to make him gamble" point.

Addicts are downright manipulative, they play a multitude of mind games, and the best advice is to wise up to them sooner rather than later so that you can recognise them for they are and respond accordingly. I didn't first time round and it cost me dearly. I recommend GamAnon meetings if they are accessible, otherwise read up as much as you can and see if you can get GC counselling for yourself as well.

If your son can blame you or his gf or his circumstances of his life or any other extraneous factor, then his gambling isn't his fault and he isn't responsible for it. As a parent, you probably do feel a sense of responsility for his upbringing - from his viewpoint and in a bid to facilitate his gambling, that's ripe for exploitation and unchecked, he will take full advantage. But he's an adult, making his own way in the world, making his own choices, grown up and independent. So put the responsibility right back where it belongs, with him. If he chooses to gamble, he takes responsibility for that decision. It's not down to you. Or his gf.

They had difficulty over the cards because your son wanted to gamble and he couldn't if his gf had the cards. So he picked a fight and got the cards back and went off to gamble again. This sort of occurance is described in no uncertain terms in the diary, New Beginning, in the diaries section, probably about the first week or two of this month.

Finally, beware of divide and rule, if your son can get you and his father arguing, and or you and the gf arguing, it facilitates the gambling. Better to agree stategies and stick to them as far as that's possible.

Hope this helps, take care.

CW

Thank you to everyone for your comments and sharing your personal experiences; if nothing else it's good to know we are not the only family going through this and feeling inadequate in some way as parents. Since my posts above I have discovered further debts and been to see him on his own/my own as his father just gets angry.

We talked calmly and I don't know if he just dislikes the word 'addict' or his definition is different to mine but he insists he is not addicted. My question is if that is the case, and he's an intelligent lad, how and why would he live off his gf and get into huge personal debts. He claims he only does it when he is bored but came up with every excuse going for the various different suggestions I made to ease his boredom raning from weekend work, joining sport or social clubs, voluntary work etc. He would have been alone last Sunday so I made a point of asking him to take me shopping and we spent some quality time together and talked a bit too. He has promised to make the most of his appointment this coming Saturday with the counsellor I have arranged and has said he thinks he has other issues he can also discuss with her. It is obviously confiential but I am going to go along with him initially to pay her directly (she only accepts cash & I daren't give it to my son) and just ask that she tells me if she cannot help him or he refuses help. I can't trust him to come home and tell me himself as I just no longer know when he is speaking the truth or manipulating me.

I never really thought about groups and forums before but am finding them a huge help even if just to air my concetns amongst people who are going through or have gone through the same or similar.

Thank you .

Hi, AWP,

He's addicted and he's in denial and what he says and does are dictated by addiction and cunning and not by intelligence and logic. You can't reason with a CG who denies a problem. They won't be told, which is why the best advice is for them to experience the consequences of their actions.

Yes he can charm you and talk the talk, so could my husband, but believe in what you see and not what he tells you.

I would question the status of therapist for someone with a gambling problem who insists on cash payments. GA meetings don't cost, other than subs.

Sorry for being cynical.

CW

Thanks for your warnings and experience-based advice. I may be a little naive or still looking for the best in my son however I too believe he is in denial and hope it is just with me and not with the therapist. The therapist is very reputable and vastly experienced in dealing with all manner of addictions and problems so I am sure she will not be phased by such denial. I have used her myself for other issues and she is in fact, although I didn't know this at the time, the most local recommended therapist via this website/organisation so I have no worries on that front at least and for which I am thankful.

Good, hope it helps.

Take care of you.

CW

Hi All,

Only found out yesterday my son has a serious problem, and lot of common threads are coming throught on here.

The one that applies to me the most, is I think the advice to not bail him out. He lives with his mother, and she has done so on a number of occassions, to a big financial and emotional cost. That avenue has been closed to him now, hence his need to come clean with me. He has probably only done that now, as he has pending pay day loans and the like, and can't get anymore from his mother.

His plan, as he put to me, is if I take out a loan on more sensible rates, as I have good credit rating he can manage to pay that to me, rather than the ridiculous payments he has to make on the other loans.

I have looked into his options, but unless he calls the likes of StepChange or similar to come up with a debt management plan, (which he won't), or goes into voluntary bankruptcy, I can't see another way out?

He saying he has hit rock bottom, and the fact he has had to admit his problem to me, he won't do it going forward. My arguement to him is, why did he do it so many times to her? His reply to that is probably because he knew he could get away with it. She is much better than off than me financially, as also has a new husband, and they both earned high salaries. He says he won't default on my loan, and rip me off, as he knows I don't have a lot of disposal income.

I want to believe him, but he also won't agree to coming to GA with me, or having counselling etc. so we're going around in circles!!!

Would appreciate any advice.

Hi, SP,

re a nice cheap loan for him in your name, the advice is simple: Don't! You will be liable to the credit company for whatever you borrow in your name. He may have the best of intentions now about paying back regularly but shortly down the line, when the memory fades and the pain of his present situation fades, the gambling impulse will take over and you will be stuck with the loan.

The other aspect is that you are proposing to take on his problem. But he's an adult, his problems are the consequences of his own behaviour, if you shield him from those consequences, how will he learn? What motive will he have to stop, knowing that however much you protest, once he has used up his money or credit, you will let him start on yours? If he has extensive debt and won't call StepChange, why should that be your problem? Why is it a bad thing for him to have a poor credit history, as long as it doesn't affect you?

Ok, that's easy to say. But the emotional side? Nightmare. CGs lie and manipulate and he will have you convinced that you're failing him by denying him the chance to run up large debts in your name. You're doing no such thing, however counterintuitive, the above advice is standard, as you already know. But what you do need is help and support for you - it's really, really important, otherwise you'll flounder. The forum is a start, read the stories, both sides of the fence, knowledge about CG behaviour helps. Call the helpline, if you can get to GamAnon, it's worth the effort.

Don't let your peace of mind be decided by whether or not he gambles. If he wants to stop, there's a lot he can do and actions speak louder than words. If not, protect yourself, change and then don't share your passwords and PINs, keep your cash and cards safe, don't leave temptation lying around.

Look after yourself,

CW

PS if you want to start your own thread, click the blue "new topic" button at the bottom of the previous page.