Newly discovered addiction Help

Hello and welcome to the forum. You will get advice and support here. 

If your boyfriend is living in your house, make sure you protect your own finances. Change any passwords he may know etc. Don't offer to pay off any of his debts for him. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions. 

It is possible to recover from a gambling addiction but your boyfriend has to want to stop and be fully committed to recovery. It's great that you are being so supportive, but ultimately, it has to come from him.

If he wants to stop, there are steps he can take such as downloading blocking software for his phone or other devices if he gambles online. He can also exclude himself from betting shops. As I say though, he needs to really want to stop.

However you decide to proceed with the relationship, protect yourself and look after your own wellbeing. Don't feel guilty if you decide it's not for you. 

The advisers are really helpful if you want to call or message them.

Take care.

J

He has to want to stop. Not for you, not for GA, but for himself because he has had enough.

Don’t think that his gambling is personal, unfortunately the addiction is extremely powerful and outweighs our love for our loved ones. Having a strong support is fantastic, but GA will only work if he puts the effort into it.

Maybe ask him if you could read his orange book that he would have gotten at GA, and read it with him if he hasn’t read it yet. There’s a lot of advice and answers to common questions about compulsive gamblers.

As far as a future, that depends on him and you. If you are prepared to support him and he’s prepared to be honest and put the work in, there’s no reason why you can’t have a future. Just know though that the effort on his part needs to be a consistent one. After a while of not gambling, life will feel better, but the addiction is going to remain. With GA and/or counselling he can learn to deal with the urges, but complacency is the future enemy here because the gambling, if not watched, can creep back and before anyone knows it it’s back at full strength.

You can help yourself by making sure you don’t enable him by bailing him out but have any valuables, like a mortgage in your name. This addiction will take everything if it can so give yourself as much protection as possible.

Any questions please ask.

Chris.

Thank you so much for the message. I didn't realise you could get software for phones that can block gamling sites I will look into that. It is all online for him. 

It feels devastating to not be able to trust your partner

It is devastating initially and makes you question everything. It is possible to control the addiction and move forward as long as he is fully committed. It does take a long time to rebuild trust. 

My husband installed Gamstop, which stopped access  to all online betting sites. There are others such as Betblocker. There are different lengths of exclusion times. It's best if he can go for the full 5 years option. He will need to install it onto devices he uses. He should get a confirmation email then that he can show you as proof. 

J

Thank you so much I will ask him to download that. I'm trying so hard to not get angry and be as supportive as possible but the worries and pressures of not having enough money are huge and so scary

As a non-gambler it is so hard to comprehend the amount of money spent. I remember feeling physically sick when I uncovered the amount of money my husband was losing. Protect your own finances. If he has a lot of debt there is a charity called Stepchange which I know lots of people on here have found really helpful.

J x

Hey @girlfriend987, 

Everyone else here is right about addiction, the want to heal has to come from the addicted. I'm really sorry that your partner's journey to recovery has had a very rocky start.

From a loved ones perspective though, this all can be really hard to understand. I should know - I'm the partner/ex-partner of someone that's addicted to gambling too. 

The first thing you should do is protect your finances. Change your accounts. The pressures of not having any money are not yours to keep or to shoulder. 

The next step, in my experience, is to proactively take care of yourself. If you're like me, you're probably partly angry and confused, partly sad for your partner to be struggling, and most definitely sad for your relationship. It's totally normal to have to grieve the 'old relationship' and the 'old partnership' that seemed fine, but it can feel strange considering you're still in it together. The fact of it is, now this is out and the trust has been broken, you're both different now. Moving through that transition and that healing journey - for both of you - can be really difficult, but the best thing you can do is to look after yourself. Remember that since this has turned your life upside down, you've suffered some sort of trauma. Be kind to yourself. 

I'm just over a month into my own journey to heal from my relationship with a gambler. He's the kindest soul I've ever met, but like you, I'm struggling with the lies. I supported my partner for a while, and I really truly want to see him heal. For me, the lies took their toll, and kept triggering the trauma of what we went through during the revelation. We're apart right now, as that's where our non-linear healing journeys have taken us.

I've been in therapy since this all happened, and one thing my therapist tells me helps - when you're thinking about your relationship, trying to tie the love and adoration of that person with the lying and debt/stealing side, all you can do is focus on the present. Dwelling on the past will hurt, and thinking too much about the future will hurt too. If all you knew was what was right in front of you, what decisions would you make? If you feel uneasy in your own home at present, there's a solution that would be right for you right now. That doesn't mean it has to be permanent, if he can recover. But doing what is right for you is key.

There's no manual (to my knowledge!) for navigating this kind of situation. So I think my third point, the third step, is to be careful about who you listen to. Not many people will truly understand, but a lot of people will have your best interests at heart. Everyone will be keen to give you their opinion, but you don't have to listen if you're not ready to hear what they have to say. Surround yourself with friends and family, but you might find it helpful to set boundaries with them so you're not made to feel anything you don't already. 

Only you can make decisions about your relationship, and there's no rush to do so. But do consider your own health and your own happiness in the present, and how that can be achieved. You'll then start your own journey to heal.

Thinking of you, 

M x