Opinions wanted

Maybe if the CG were also a narcicist or psychopath. Or perhaps the addiction could be so strongly set in over time that a person gets that manipulative and desparate as to do what you are saying. Why dont you share more details about why you think this. ? I hope you find help for yourself, I know it's hard and maybe others will have more responces for you on your question. take care. tara2

No I think it's us. Its what we choose to put up with. We have to change and look at ourselves. A relationship with a cg is about 2 people. Why do we choose a person who is not willing to give 100%? Why do we not give 100%? Why do we feel that this is how healthy relationships function? No cg sets out to be like this. My cg didn't get a rich woman. The reality is that compulsive gambling is not about money.

If you read up on co-dependency, you’ll see that a general pattern is identified. Addicts do seek a particular type of partner, not so much to manipulate for financial gain but to manipulate into allowing them to pursue their addiction with minimal interference. Minimal effective interference. The partner might have certain responses to the addict using but as we all know, these don’t stop the gambling or whatever it is that the addict’s using.

Move your focus to you and look at your question the other way round. What was it about him that attracted you in the first place, given the behaviour that you describe? Was there some element of seeking to save his tortured soul or soothe his issues, make his life better? Look after him? And if so, why? What was it about your background that taught you this? In my case, the main factor was that I had been taught to be very compliant and always do what I was told without upsetting my mother. And I always liked someone I could rescue, although initially he didn’t need it.

The behaviour that you’ve described is dysfunctional and you’ve removed yourself and your baby from an unhealthy situation. Long term, the decision regarding the relationship with him should be based on you, not him. Which as ever, means learning to know yourself first, what you stand for, what you value, what you believe in, what your goals are, what you want from your life partner. This can all be looked at via GamAnon, where you learn how to look after yourself and also CoDA and counselling (GamCare offer twelve sessions).

You want the best for the baby but always remember the demonstration of the oxygen masks on the plane: if you don’t put your mask on first, you won’t have enough oxygen to effectively help anyone else, including your child and you both go down. Start with you.

CW

We cannot rescue compulsive gamblers. I stayed because I chose to. The reason is irrelevant. If you are involved with a cg you are a codependent. We don't know when we meet our partners that they are compulsive. Initially it is a small part. It gets worse over time as the spiral down begins. The bad behaviour comes from both parties. We believe that someone will stop. We don't understand the behaviour we are involved in. Only when the damage comes to light do we either get help or not. Some partners never seek help. I learnt first time I could not stop him. I did control the money so that we didn't lose the house. I detached from him, he continued (played me you call it). The gambler plays to self medicate, to become safe from reality. There are many issues apart from his gambling that we as a family have had to deal with. His father was his enabler and me at times. The point is we don't know when we meet someone that this will happen. We don't know what compulsive gambling means. It's what we do after finding out that is where the choices start. The problem is that we don't know that our choices or behaviour is right or wrong. Because I chose to stay doesn't mean my cg played me. It means he couldn't deal with reality and chose not to seek help. Fear also plays a massive part.

My partner is a gambler and i’ve wondered this too. Been together 12 years but only realised he has a gambling problem in September. I’m older than him, so came to the relationship with more than him. Got together after coming out of a not great marriage. I’ve always been quite a kind and easy going person too. Also I’ve also always worked so had my own money. He contributes his share of the bills etc and I’ve always thought what he does with his spare money is up to him and not interfered. I would expect to be free to spend any extra money I have the way I want too. I guess it’s led to a situation now where he is in debt and lots of his money now goes on furnishing the gambling debt to the point he can’t pay his share. I’ve ended up being quite independent emotionally too before meeting him and get on with things myself due to things that have happened in life previously. Behaviour was shown to me that women just get on with it due to men not ‘being there’ with respect for their families. Although not aware of the problem Ive tolerated the bad behaviour that often goes with gambling such as the bad mood swings maybe due to my own perception and expectations of men as fathers and partners and due to the fact we have kids. my son adores-him too, and I’m worried about breaking my son’s heart. My partner says all the right things but I’m now aware he is a liar. The actions to show love are often missing. I do wonder whether he has loved me at all or whether he has been with me as there as the conditions allow him to indulge in gambling 🙁 don’t feel i’ll ever get the truth from him it’s been so lacking, but on my darker days it wouldn’t surprise me to learn I’d been chosen by him to be taken advantage of and there was simply no love. Someone who can point blank lie to my face over and over would surely have no remorse about doing this?

I've never felt targeted as such mainly because Mr L wasn't any more than an occasional gambler when we married albeit one who took a bit of persuading away from the fruit machines when we picked up Chinese or whatever. That said he got pretty expert in manipulation,deceit and downright lying with worrying speed and ease which I think is pretty standard as the addiction progresses. I have asked him if it felt good to outsmart me and the answer is 'no' but who knows what they're really thinking right in that moment?

The question is more what we tolerate. First time round I walked on eggshells. After that was thrown back in my face red lines got drawn. He could toe them or get out. So far he's chosen to comply. If he ever changes his mind he'll find I won't.