Our adult son has been living back home for 4 months, having lost his partner and home due to gambling his wages. He works hard but has not even the fare to get to work most of the time and borrows it from us. We find ourselves feeding and caring for him totally. He gets very angry if we refuse and is very abusive. He refuses to admit he is still gambling. He has huge debts. We would like him to leave but he refuses. We have started to get counselling ourselves and whilst it is comforting it does not solve our dilemma. We are pensioners with a very limited income. Should we get legal advice?
Hi sandj
Im the mum of a compulsive gambler, my son turns 21 next week.
My son behaved as badly as yours does, he was very abusive and would do what ever he needed to get what he wanted. It doens't matter what your personal circumstances are, Im diasbled and that never stopped my son wheeling me out of the way when it suited him. It didn't it stop him from stealing from us on several occassions, even when the company my husband worked for went bankrupt and we were left with nothing he still didnt care when he stole my bank card. My point is they dont have any morals or a conscience.
Its been 5 months since I last saw him, he was made to leave, he didnt go willingly, we had to change the locks and in the end the police took him away. Apart from a brief call from him a couple of weeks ago where he was trying to manipulate me into coming home we havent seen or heard from him. He reverted back to his usual self when I refused, and hung up.
As Half life said you are your sons safety net, he will continue as he is or more than likely get even worse while you help him. Its not a critiscism we've all done it. Nothing you say or do will make any difference, you cannot make him stop gambling.
He has to feel the consequences of his actions, if he has no fare to work because hes gambled his wages then its up to him to find another way to get there and if he loses his job because he cant get there then its up to him. If he has no money for food then he'll go hungry, the list can go on and on. While you loan him money (you'll never get back) pay bills, give him a comfortable home to sleep in he will not change, why would he . Doing these things for him just frees up more money for him to gamble, its not that he doesnt have the money he just chooses to use it gambling instead. It is not your job to do these things for him, hes grown man and makes his own descions, bad ones yes but still his. The saying that they have to reach bottom is very true, life has to get so bad that they want to get well. It goes against everything we feel as parents not to help, my son is so young quite frankly its torture some days but I know stepping in a helping him just prolongs the agony, he has got to do this himself and so does your son.
Im sorry to say while hes in denial nothing will change so its how much of this can you tolerate. If you want him to leave then he leaves, but if you say it you have to mean it, if you back down he wont believe you next time. Just days before my son left he was told if he steals from us again he has to leave for good, he did a few days later and we carried through with that we said. I have to be honest theres been many many times Ive felt like backing down and want him home, but what stops me is knowing nothing has changed and we will go straight back to how things were, and I cant risk that.
What you are living with is domestic abuse, you probably dont think of it that way as I did to start with but it is. If you want your son to leave then tell him to, and if he refuses then call the police. I dont think legal advice will make any difference, your son wont take any notice of it and all you'll get is a bill. Have you spoke to your counsellor about wanting him to leave, its something I talked about during counselling and it helped. Call Gamcare they wont tell you what to do but talking it through will help, it helped me reach my own decisions.
You are the priority here, make decisions based on what you want not your son, Im sorry to say but your son wont be thinking of you. I love my son as much as ever but hes a compulsive gambler like yours and we have to protect ourselves from the destruction they cause.
The kindest thing we can do for our sons is leave them alone, its beyond awful I know but this is something they have to do for themselves. Its called tough love for a reason.
Take care
Hello sandj
This sounds like a terrible, stressful situation for you. You've had some great advice from Half-life so I won't repeat it all.
The bottom line is that you don't have to put up with abusive behaviour from anyone, least of all your son. I know you're getting counselling but please do contact us on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or the Netline to chat it over with us.
Take care of yourselves
Forum Admin
Forum admin wrote:
Hello sandj
This sounds like a terrible, stressful situation for you. You've had some great advice from Half-life so I won't repeat it all.
The bottom line is that you don't have to put up with abusive behaviour from anyone, least of all your son. I know you're getting counselling but please do contact us on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or the Netline to chat it over with us.
Take care of yourselves
Forum Admin
I completely agree with Forum admin. Abuse is not acceptable. Only thing I would add is throughout these posts I have seen little in the way of understanding what the problem is. Addiction can be an illness that doesn't just go away especially if the person has progressed to that state. My only advice would be to get as much information on the illness as you can before you make any decisions. Speaking to Gamcare may be a good start. Good luck. Tri
I have been in your position and feel so sorry for your situation. I know it is hard and you love your son but it takes tough love and a lot of energy to get them back on the right track. I am afraid abusive behaviour is totally unacceptable and if it ever gets out of hand you must make him aware that you will not be afraid to call the police and possibly change the locks. The gambling habit has taken over his life to the extent that he cannot see anything further than his next bet and he is probably actually worrying himself about building up the debts as well - but he will not tell you any of this and his head is in such a mess that there is just no room for him to care about your feelings. You are his safety net and he knows he can fall back on you to finance him. If he is asking you for money try to say to him that you will only help him on the condition that you take over control of his finances and that he gets help with the gambling problem. But you need to talk to a counsellor on here first to get professional help asap to find the the best way to approach this as your son is being awkward and do you research on debt recovery schemes for his debts. Get as much info as possible before you approach him as he is being so uncooperative.
Good luck.
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