Panicking!

Oh that's awesome advice thank you. Will do that 🙂 Just spoke to the marketing team at Lloyds bank, they were lovely. Confirmed the two letters this week were just mail shots not requested and have said they will stop them. Let's see if it works! Thank you turn-it-around.

Hi Tinky

Im the Mum to a compulsive gambler and I think Ive pretty much seen all aspects of the addiction including debt, lots of debt.

If your partners bank account has been changed it can only done at his request, they dont just change it. Of course theres a chance its an error but I would insist that its changed back to the basic account immediatedly, if hes not keen to do this Id be very cautious.

As for the loads of credit card applications I'd say its his doing, yes the odd one now and then fair enough anyone can get them but the amount you are talking about Id smell a very stinky rat. My son denied all the applications he got and long story short we found out later it was all true he had applied for them all despite denying it for a very long time, he would say it was a mistake, it was junk mail, etc etc.

He did manage to get several credit cards and maxed them all out and when he was denied any more he went to the high street pay day loan type companies and even though his credit report was trashed by now he still got loans from at least 6 companies, hardly any refused him.

We all want to be supportive and give them the benefit of doubt but this isnt a situation where we can do this, as Half-Life said it has to complete transparency and nothing less.

Im sure you will of read by now just how manipulative a compulsive gambler can be, they'll have you convinced black is white and will lie as much as they need to get what they want. Nobody wants to think that the person we love so much will lie to us, but unfortunately its true and once you accept theyre going to lie it hurts a little less.

I love my son as much as ever but would I trust what he says ? not for a second unless he was prepared to prove "it" and again it would be on my terms not his, its the least we deserve. Ive learnt that if something doesn't feel quite right, then Ive been right to think that way.

Look after yourself first then if you want to support him it should be on your terms not his. If he genuinely wants to recover he should be happy to do all that you ask of him.

Sounds fishy to me. Banks don't usually just change your account type without being asked to & I never get anything through about credit cards or applications.

Be careful as gamblers canbe very sneaky.

Hi,

I would deal with this by snail mail. If you still have the mail shots, then write to each company saying that he does not want credit now and will not in the future and that they should not contact him again. He should sign the letters, once stamped and posted, those avenues will be blocked.

My husband has Notices of Correction at the three main credit reference agencies, saying that he does and will not want credit, again, I wrote the letters to request this and he signed them.

re the bank, write to the Customer Service Centre of his bank quoting his name, address and account numbers. Say that he requires a basic bank account, that he will not want to be upgraded now or in the future and that he will not want credit now or in the future. Again, he should sign the letter.

It's a moot point, but I prefer my husband to have no banking facilities at all apart from our joint account with no overdraft, I keep the balance at his pocket money and no more. I think that the blocks are more effective but I am aware that if he does get round it, I may be liable for anything in joint names. However, any account in his sole name could receive credit behind my back. In my view, if we are supposed to be staying together, then the joint account is the least bad option.

If you decide to follow this advice, then your other half will need to cooperate and if he finds excuses not to, the alarm bells should ring.

Hope this helps,

CW

as67, I am a mum of a cg as well and your situation sounds similar to mine. I dont understand how "they" can get loans time and time again with such bad credit. Have you any advice on how to proceed when the debt is out of control. My son still lives with me, i am unsure whether to leave him sort it, or ,as before,help him....and stress myself out again. Also ,as he has stolen from me...i now have to make sure my bank cards etc are always with me. I hate living like this almost as much as i love him! He is getting help now, but as "we" are all aware, it takes time.

Hi cornishkatie

I have just the same frustration as you regarding the loans you would think who on earth would give them a loan with the amount of debt they have but it does happen. As time goes on it does get harder and harder for them to get a loan but I have seen at least 2 companies that said more or less they didnt care about his bad credit report he could still have the loan but of course at an even more ridiculous interest rate than ever, so high there would be little chance of the loan ever being paid back.

Last year my son had a very brief spell where he wanted to get help and deal with his debts so we called Step Change and they were brilliant. They were very easy to talk to, they helped with a budget and I thought very generous with him,he was left with enough money to live on and it was all easily within his budget. I made the calls with my son sitting next to me and apart from him giving his permission for me to act on his behalf I did all the talking. I did this thinking I was helping, he was in a bad way and scared so I swooped into Mum mode to help.

However I cant stress this highly enough making those calls for him was a huge mistake, I should never of done it. Part of getting well means they have do things for themselves and face the consequences of their gambling, if we do it for them they avoid an essential part of recovery. Anyway my son made 1 payment to his dmp and didnt pay any more and all those companies are still chasing him for money and as far as Im aware he still hasnt done a thing about it even after all the threats of debt collectors and court action. I think if he'd dealt with his debts himself he would of got the reality check that he needed a long time ago instead of continually running away from it all.

My son stole from us too, and we locked everything away, its a pain and we shouldnt have to but its what we need to do. My son was told if he stole from us again we would call the Police, of course that terrifies me and I hope we are never in that postion but I would do it to bring him back to reality. He regularly steals from his girlfiend, stolen thousands from her and every time she threatens to end their relationship and evey time he gets round her and she never does anything about it.

I dont want to appear hard because thats the last thing I am, Im a big softie really and was a very trusting person once, but Ive had to learn toughen up when it comes to my son. History has taught me some harsh lesson and I now always err on the side of caution and I would recommend anyone in our postion do the same.

This is an awful way to live, rock and hard place is what I call it, we love them but hate the addiction, many days I cant decide wether I want to hug him, shake him or scream at him, well actually Ive done all three far too many times. Theres been many days where I cant stand the sight of him but then instantly flip into wanting to hug him and tell him its all going to be ok, but Ive had to learn not to do that as my son sees that as a weakness and will use it to his advantage.

Your son sounds like hes heading in the right direction and I hope he goes from strenght to strength. However he should be willing to do what you ask of him, including you having financial control and he should be willing to prove anything he tells you, and not question it, infact he would probably find you taking over his finances a relief.

I never thought Id say this to another Mum and when it was said to me I either didnt or wouldn accept it but we really do have to let them sort this for themselves. Support him if you like but that really should only be moral support and in the mean time look after yourself too.

XOXO