Partner asking permission for 'harmless' bet, what do I say??

Hiya becky 

I know YOU may feel that being in control all the time is hard and don't get me wrong I bet it is, but your in control off the finances for a reason remember that and don't let your guard down as a few weeks ago after me going over a year gamble free I went online and in the space off 1h I losted nearly  £8000 so just think what a lot off people has said there is no such thing as a harmless bet, wishing you all the best, it's not easy for you I get that but deep down you know what to do and the easiest thing to do is allow it. But be strong and think how things where when he was gambling 

Hi,

I see both sides. Like many, I've never had a 'problem' with football gambling and have always seen it as separate to my addiction to machines.

That said, this time around I'm turning my back on gambling for good, purely because I don't want to take the chance. It's harder than I want to be on myself in truth, but I want to minimise my chance of relapsing.

Therefore, I think you should resist purely because of the risk it poses. Recovery is forever for me, and that's tough to accept but a hell of a lot better than the alternative.

Hope this helps. 

Gottobedone I feel the same 

I've got to realize that I can't control gambling therefore I've got to be gamble free for life as no matter what there's always that chance I can go over the top plus it's so easy to lose a he'll off alot of money in such a short period of time but it's took me a lot off years to understand this and it's not going to be easy I could never say for certain I'm never going to gamble as I've said that so many times just to relapse, so I've got to take it one day at a time and be strong and youse this site to my advantage as I've never done this before but it's definitely helping I just hope we can all help each other stay gamble free 

Hi,

I’ve just picked up on this and thought I should add my thoughts on the matter.

After some years of being a gambler who developed a bad addiction that spiralled out of control I finally opened up to getting help. I went to GA for a short while but it was enough to go 4 years without gambling. Beforehand, I could gamble several times each day. Anyway, I turned my life around, paid of debt etc and things were great. One day, the first day of a new football season, I placed a silly small bet on football. I lost and what followed was an immediate return to daily gambling.

I always used to say my only problem was roulette. I had no problem with football or any other gambling. I lost the football bet and instantly turned to roulette to win my money bank. Within a year my debt was greater than ever before. I had no control over gambling once again.

I would suggest you ask your partner to recall how bad gambling was prior to quitting and then list all the positive changes he has encountered since quitting. 

In my opinion, gambling addiction cannot be controlled. I can’t control it. I have control in all other aspects of life just not gambling.

I wish you both well.

RR

Thank you RR, do you think your situation would have been different if that first small bet you'd placed has been supervised and your access to further subsequent gambling sites etc was limited by a partner having passwords etc? Or do you think that the bet triggered/woke something in your brain even if you had not been allowed to continue? 

My partner says he would get me to hold the account details and control the deposits etc but I guess this is futile if his mind has already been triggered just by that first bet, as he could just end up finding other means and lying etc if one isn't enough. 

Hey Becky I feel for you so bad .he's asked to break a promise he made to you about not gambling. What he's done is caused you anguish again he has you turned inside out worrying about this it's not fair. And what for ?? Absolutely nothing. I'm sorry Becky he's hurting you all over again. I hope you manage to sort this out. With best wishes

Thank you charlieboy, it has been so helpful reading all of your input and kind words. It is so good to know there is a strong and understanding network I can turn to. 

The thing is as gamblers we know what we do the lies the deceit etc etc. As recovering addicts that's the behaviour we are trying to get away from. I'm just worried what he is doing is trying to hide out in the open if you know what I mean. You be strong take care of yourself first you have given him every chance to succeed I hope he comes through for you

Hiya Becky 

I can see it in your words you want to give him this little things as that's how he wants you to see it, just think if he came to you and said everything the same apart from the bet being  £100 £200 what would you say then? Why has he started so low so as when you see he's okay you can up it or better than that he's fixed no more problem everything is fine please think it through a lot. You may feel I'm harsh I just want yourse to live the life you've been living gamble free as it is an addiction and will lay dormant until it wants to come out 

There's also the psychical side in that the process of the bet will cause the chemical releases (dopamine) his body will gradually be getting used to going without.

Got to be a no for me 100% and I would argue (again purely from my own experience here) that he's not fully accepting that gambling is a problem for life and something he's not going to be able to return to. 

I'm with you and feel so sorry fo her, I would've come out and say he's going to be a problem gambler again but you know I know everyone is different but it takes an average of 5x is it some one pull me if I'm wrong that people relapse before they get a hand on it, I would've to check on that so don't take it as gossip it wasn't that long ago I was going to ask my partner if I could just bet £5 at the weekend but I came to my senses known she wouldn't go for it so even a few months back subconsciously I must've missed that warning sign, I even done that stupid virtual grand national all these were signs that I missed it never came to me until then.. Hiya Becky I've said what i think if you read your post but it seems to me like your looking for someone to give you the permission to say yes. Please excuse me if I'm wrong. One more thing I'm an alcoholic I've went ten years sober and I asked you if I'd be okay to have a can nowandagain what would you say? We're both addicts 

Hi Becky unfortunately you are now 'playing the game '. You are questioning yourself, he's trying to get you to say 'it's ok to gamble '. 

It isn't, look how much time you're taking to simply say 'this makes me really anxious' or 'no'.

As I said before you cannot control another. You cannot change anyone but yourself.

look at it this way. If someone on here said 'yes of course, let him' and it all went wrong. Who's fault is it?

This is his responsibility it's about changing, finding something better to do, having normal things in life, feeling normal. Enjoying a game just by watching it. Gambling brings financial worry, mental health issues.

you question yourself over and over, 'am I being mean?'. 'It's his money ' 'its only £5', etc.

any form of gambling , fantasy football, syndicate at work, £1 a day in the bookies on an accumulator. It leads to more. 

Its not your responsibility it's his.

Wise words merrygoround. U always seem to hit the nail on the head. Last night I started crying over Becky's dilemma she was so screwed up trying to do the right thing. As gamblers we hide are sneaky and deceitful ,prior to about2 years ago when gambling really become an addiction for me I was none of those things over the course of 2years I become all of those things plus more. Now everything is out part of me feels free and I'm hoping that's the part of me I can take forward. I feel that Becky's partner is trying to hide his gambling but out in the open if that makes sense. Hes wants to make her responsible for his failure made me feel sick last night. This morning I'm using it as a positive " a trap not to fall into". Would be the same as me asking my husband to give me the green light to go to bingo in a controlled way.I know my husband would not spend a second thinking about it. Would be a "over my dead body" sort of reply. Best wishes to all today 

Hi Becky,

Sorry I couldn’t respond last night.

To answer your question, no it would not have made any difference to me if I were supervised etc.

I liken my gambling addiction to an alcoholic. Could an alcoholic go for one drink? Of course not. 

It is important to mention that for me, when I gamble I find it hard to quit but once I stop I can stay stopped. So, once again, I’m about 9 months off gambling and the desire to gamble is not with me today. In addition to this, I have nice things, good job, nice house/car etc and a lovely wife and kids and only gambling threatens to change all the good things that I have in my life. One bet and I may never be able to stop again. One bet could lead to years of destruction before I see sense again. I respect that in order to have a good life the cost of that is that I can’t gamble and that’s fine.

To finish, an addicted mind is capable of leading us to believe we can once again gamble with control. I don’t believe that through experience of previous relapse after 4 years. I learned a lot. An addicted mind pretends that I can gamble with only a few pounds. In truth, for me, the higher the bet, the higher the risk was the only way to recreate that feeling of adrenaline which is dangerous. Last of all, the addicted mind with time starts to recall the “good times” and conveniently forgets the many, many times when you lost the plot, all your money, lied, borrowed, stole and let everyone down that you love and care about.

I wouldn’t risk a single bet because by doing so I risk losing everything. I’m absolutely capable of losing everything. Certainly not the way I am today but I know how I get when deep in the cycle. I’m capable of craziness and that can only ever happen if I place that first bet.

Take care.

RR

when I gamble I find it hard to quit but once I stop I can stay stopped

This is definitely important for me to remember when making my decisions and helping my partner to see sense. 

I respect that in order to have a good life the cost of that is that I can’t gamble and that’s fine.

I also really like this sentence, I need to try get him to think like this. I think he does most of the time, just sometimes has a lapse in strength. 

Thank you to everyone for their responses, my partner doesn't get home for another couple of days as he works away, but I am going to have a good talk with him. I am going to say no and tell him that I am not comfortable with it and give some of the reasoning I've read on here to him and hope that he understands and doesn't resent me for it or feels like I'm being harsh.

I will post an update on here with the outcome for anyone who may be interested. 

Thank you again, Becky.