Hi all, I’m just new and have joined I guess I’m reaching for support as I’m bit lost.Â
My partners Gambling addiction came to a head late 2021 when our son was 3 months old he had completely hit rock bottom and our bills were not paid and this is when the letters started to come to the door from loans unpaid bills. When the truth came out savings had been blown for our wedding and deposit for a house and he was in around 15k debt but he was only truthful for 7kwhich his mum cleared for him. But there was still 8k remaining. It then came out later there was this remaining loans . He then started to attended the GA meetings once a week for around 2-3 months and had been making monthly payments.Â
Things were going good really good in fact until I noticed small things with money he wasn’t paying in as much for bills and his left over money was run out within days of being paid. So again when I questioned it came to light he had started back up and it was getting increasingly worse he had took out payday loans from bad people and stopped paying his monthly payments to the bank loans. This was suppose to be our first month payment free and it’s came to light hes gambled £200 and has not returned to making his monthly payments. I have been controlling our house bills in the joint account and ensuring these have been paid and money for food etc is there. His wage still gets paid into his own account and he’s telling me it’s ok it’s only 200 his bills have been paid he ensures he had enough. He won’t get his wage sent into joint account and I give him pocket money if you like.Â
He is now saying that when we argue it’s that’s what causes it. So now im left feeling like it’s my fault and feel terrible guilt. Feeling like I have to tip toe around him.Â
Dear Kmills,
Firstly, welcome to our Forum.
I'm so sorry to read what's been going on. This has been affecting you for a long time and you've done well to seek spaces to talk about it. From what you've said, you've been carrying a lot of hurt as well as pressure managing the family finances. I hope you might find some solace from people in our community who have been through similar things.
Feeling guilty is understandable, please know that this is not your fault. There is help for your partner if he contacts us - he can reach out any time. For you, if you'd like to talk with someone to work through things from your side, please don't hesitate to get in touch. We are here 24/7 on our live chats and our helpline (0808 8020 133). You don't need to be alone with this.
If you haven't already looked through our money guidance resources, you might find our section for family and friends useful too: https://www.gamcare.org.uk/self-help/managing-your-money/
All the best
Jamie
Forum Admin
Hi
Some people might think that why not just stop your addiction.
Searching for support and help is very wise thing to do.
Attending Gamanon meeting might help you find a path to a much healthier life.
It was sugguested that I might want to hand over all the money and fininaces over to my wife.
That did not go down well with me because of my control issues.
In time I did it.
The sad fact I could not be trusted with the money and fininaces simply because the money was the fuel for my addiction.
The best way to understand an addict is that they are emotionally vulnerable.
You are not in any at fault for hsi addiction and unhealthy behaviour.
Please get to a Gamanon meeting and fi you can use the telephone when you feeling emotionally vulnerable..
I could not explain my addiction to my self so I was not able to explain my addiction to another person.
Please do not feel terrible guilt for his addiction.
You are not responsible for healing his pains fears or frustrations.
Please try and heal your pains first of all.Â
Meetings will help you understand and help you heal your pains.
Love healing and peace.
David L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Â
It's definitely not your fault, and you're not alone in navigating through this. It's tough, but reaching out for support is a great step. Feel free to share and vent anytime!
Hi Kmills
It is not your fault but I understand the guilt. When my husband confessed about his gambling addiction, I felt intense guilt (amongst a whole load of different emotions). How could I not have spotted it, he must have felt so alone, what could i have done or said to prevent it all, etc. But it is not our fault. As the others suggested above, please look after yourself and seek support. I’m on counselling, and I know many others find Gamanon helpful.
I am pleased your husband started with GA meetings, hopefully he goes through the 12 steps and stay committed to the fellowship. My husband is approaching 4 years of being gamble free. We have come to terms that I could not trust him with anything related to monies or finances, I can trust him with everything else. He agreed to give me access to all his accounts and credit report. He uses monzo and i get a notification for all his transactions. He does not have access to our savings. I manage all the bills. He attends GA at least 2x every week. Sometimes I still get paranoid, but I guess I have come to terms that it’s all part of it and I should not let it consume my energy. The addiction is part of lives forever and I am ok with that as long as my husband is committed to staying in recovery.Â
I wish you all the best.
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