Hi all,
Really writing on her for some advice from people who have been in a similar situation.
I have been with my partner for 4 1/2 years, living together for 4 of those (lockdown moved things forward quicker). When we began our relationship he was very open about his previous active gambling and had not gambled for a year. As a result our finances have always been separate and bills in my name.
Last week he told me he had been gambling on and off for a year. I was completely floored. He has been attending counseling still and has previously spoken to me when he has been struggling.
I guess what I'm looking for is advice on what to do now? He has gone to stay at his sisters for a couple of weeks so we can both have some headspace.
I truly love him, just previous to this we had planning when to start having children and marriage. I am concerned that us being together will impact his recovery? If we do stay together, what should we be putting in place, what will this look like?
We are both now receiving counseling sessions through gam care (separately) and he has also returned to GA and I will be attending a Gam Anon meeting.
Sorry if this is a ramble (very much my head at the moment), any advice would be really appreciated.
@nfgo7aul4h Evening Annon
Really sorry to see and read your post and can sense you feel deceived and let down.
I feel a few things. Great that he has owned up to his harm which I think is always the potential start of real recovery.
Space when you first hear, can be a good thing as it gives you time to digest the information and help you have the strength to carry on or decide what you each want.
My son gambled for 9 years and the lies and deceit is the hardest thing to bear and trust is almost impossible to bring back without evidence of commitment to change. Even then, hurt can raise at any trigger. Things that worked for my son was to work on himself and his poor mental health, enjoy a few new things for himself when possible and together with me to build relationship again. The bank blocks are really good, particularly Monzo with someone else having the app on their phone with his permission. These Gamcare fact sheets are helpful
Gamcare factsheet protecting your loved ones.pdf
Everything You Need to Know About Bank Gambling Blocks - GamCare
I think gain as much as you can over and above Gam anon. The gamcare helpline is great to just talk to a non judgemental person who can let you offload and also signpost you to any tailored support as well as your partner if he chooses.
This community has so many people that can connect with you , so keep in touch in whatever way suits you.
Take very much care
Patsy
Online peer supporter
I've been reading alot up in this due to my daughter seeing a complusive gambler, I don't want her life to be checking bank accounts, phones and trackers to check his whereabouts constantly, this is her choice however she's very young and has the possibility to cut ties and move on before she sets up shop with house marriage etc. I know some people can stop in recovery all thier lives and with family and strong support they can lead a normal life. The decision would be do you trust him enough to set up shop and have you got the strength to be his financial minder for the rest of your life. It must be extremely hard when you love someone with an addiction. My mother is an alcoholic and the times she has said she will stop I lost could over. The problem with gamblers is its invisible and can be hidden for years with lies and decent.
I'm am trying to sway my daughter away from this possible future but ultimately its her choice and her risk to be taken all I can do is advise.
I hope he's one of the stronger minded ones that can beat it and keep away from this destructive life.
Keep strong 💪 you sound like you have a good idea what is right for you.
No advice here, as I’m not in a place to offer anything objective. What I would comment is that gambling adds a massive stress to a relationship. My partner started gambling when I was heavily pregnant, so that decision of whether to start a family with a gambler wasn’t one I could make (and I didn’t find out for a few more years…)
It’s made things very shaky here. His problem didn’t go away and he’s relapsed more than once, in a big way. Our relationship is now on the way out, and two kids have to live with the consequences. So no advice here, just one example of how it can pan out. I know other people have different stories. I hope yours has a happy ending for you
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