Scared new member

I can't even imagine what your going through. Firstly you have all my sympathy. By comparison my troubles are tiny but I am happy to share what I have done so far to reduce his risk. Firstly however, and I pass this on as I was told by another sitem before; you need to realise that you can do everything, make it seem inpossible but if he wants to he will gamble. To be a CG you have to have got disgustingly good at hiding and scheming and that other bloke, that split person isn't a very nice one.

i cried when someone told me that so I do hope I haven't made you do the same.

Anyway what I did. Firstly I took his money. Well there wasn't any but I took his income. His wages are paid into my bank account. I did not mix any accounts as I have a good credit rating and we need it as his is none existent! He is transferred small amounts when needed now only. Seems harsh but it what he wants. Secondly we went to every bookies near us and he excluded himself. Just take ID and passport photos. He is then not allowed to gamble there. Clearly doesn't stop pubs etc but it's a start. Next we phoned gamcare. A lot of tears and hard work but they found him a counsellor and he started within a week. You get 20 free sessions. Then as you have already done we went to the doctors.

I am still learning so much and a lovely person on here has just given me some advice about credit stuff but I hope maybe one bit from my ramble is useful x

Hi Spr94

I am sorry to hear that you have been through such a tough time recently, especially being a new mother and having the extra responsibility that brings, it must have been quite a surprise to find out the whole truth.

You appear to have put a lot of things in place to help your partner with his recovery process. He may also benefit from calling and speaking to an adviser to discuss specific strategies that may help curb his problem gambling.

There is a lot of support and information available if you need any further help. Please call our Gamcare helpline http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/frontline-services/helpline#.VD_qdfldXww There will be an adviser available to help you talk things through.

I am glad that you have taken the time to post on the forum and hope you find it useful and supportive.

All the best

Cade

Hi everyone

Thanks very much for your comments and advice.

Yesterday we found 1 to 1 counselling in our local area and partner contacted them without my prompting. He got a message back from a counsellor saying he can do sessions on Fridays or Saturdays or he can start off with some telephone sessions on the other days of the week.

This morning whilst he was getting ready for work he asked how much my maternity leave pay is and when I asked why he said he's going to make a spreadsheet this evening detailing all of our income and all of our outgoings so we can budget. This in a 'normal' relationship would be a great idea, but now I can't help but think if he's trying to get one over on me and keep a bit of money aside for himself for betting. It hurts that I'm doubting his every move like this.

Perhaps I can turn this monthly budget into a bit of an incentive not to bet? Like we go all month living within our means (or even every week if a month curently seems too long for him) and we reconcile what we spend against our budget. Whatever's left goes into savings which can be spent on something nice, whether it's a holiday or short break, or maybe a more long term incentive - a deposit for our first proper home. I don't know.

We have a house viewing for a rental property this evening so I'm picking him up from work and going straight there.

He thanks me every day for my support, but if I'm honest since he told me everything on Thursday there hasn't really been many other thoughts on my mind apart from his gambling. It's not always a completely hopless thought, sometimes I just look at him and wonder "is he thinking about gambling right now?"

Like I go to the toilet and come out and wonder if he's been thinking about gambling whilst I'm gone. I wonder if he's been thinking about gambling on his lunch break at work, or even whilst sat at his desk! I wonder if when we've put our daughter to bed and we cuddle up and watch tv he's thinking about gambling then whilst we're trying to have a nice evening.

Thanks again for your help. I know this is the start of a really long journey, so maybe this thread will begin to detail that and will be a way that I can vent. Onwards and upwards!

Hi Half Life

Thanks for your comments.

On Friday he said he has looked into local GA meetings whilst he was waiting to meet me in town. There is one just in the centre of town in a church hall, but he said there are no professionals or consellors there which I found odd and I questionned it, asking where he had read that. I've just been on the website myself and all of the sessions near us say they are just for CGs - no professionals there.

How does that work then? Does he go to these meetings at the same time hes having the 1 to 1 counselling?

It may be me being naive, but I thought these meetings were supposed to have an actual counsellor there who leads the sessions, I also thought that by attending he'd be assigned a 'buddy' or supporter. I mean I know he has me, but I don't understand what it's like inside his head when he wants to gamble. Someone who knows these feelings would be able to talk him through it way more effectively than I could.

Could someone please explain the format of these meetings?

I re-read his note this morning so I could take it all in without the addrenaline rush of having to try and find him. On Thursday I didn't read the last line but when I read it this morning it destroyed me "I leave you everything I own and all my assets".

I'm not going to let this beat us, I know everything is ultimately his choice and he will override me if he wants to - but I'm going to do everything I can and I'm not going to give up without a fight. I had never known the damage that gambling can cause, everyone I know knows when to walk away from bets or games. Now, seeing the extent of damaged it has caused my family and my fiance psychologically, it makes me feel sick that so many websites and bookies and casinos operate churning over so much money but there are so many people living in misery. I dont think I will ever see a small bet or any game of chance as fun anymore - not after this.

Fiance has never been abusive to me though. My ex was abusive, emotionally & physically, and even though fiance has this problem he has never attempted to hurt me and we've had the odd argument but I've never felt manipulated. Distanced from him before I knew about his problem - yes (I suspected an affair seeing as I feel like a mess after having our baby and I felt like a mess whilst pregnant too) but I've never felt beaten down or manipulated.

Sorry for the ramblings, its helping to get things off my chest. I've read so many posts on this site and am going to start reading some recovery diaries. Everyone speaks with such emotion, empathy and sincerity and I'm really grateful.

Hi srp94

You ramble away as much as you like 🙂 we are all here to support each other and talking really helps.

Im afraid I cant comment on GA meetings, there are many other people of this forum who Im sure will come along and tell you more about it. The way I understand it is that the GA meetings are all people in the same position supporting each other and of course nobody understands the mind better of the compulsive gambler than another one. I see it that counselling goes along side the GA meetings, and both together give yourself the best chance of recovery. My son said the same as your fiance that it makes him think more about gambling going to a GA meeting but they have to face it to get well. The other people at the meeting understand what hes talking about and will be able to help him.

For a very long time I thought I could fix (for want of a better word) my son and that somehow that loving him as much as I do would do the trick, but its just not how it is. Ive also had the "letter" and there arent words to describe just how scarey that is. We always need to err on the side of caution and it might be an idea to ask if he will see his gp, however it is quite common for a compulsive gambler to say such things, especially when they have had such big losses and have been found out.

It sounds like your partner is making some positive steps but it has to be all the way with this there are no half measures. If he wants to get well he needs to go to GA or counselling or both, do everything that you ask of him and do it with out question. I highly recommend you get counselling for yourself too, Gamcare can arange that for you, I found it invaluable.

Im sure your fiance is a wonderful man, and I know how much you love him but hes also a compulsive gambler and all that brings with it so thats why we have to think of ourselves first. As a Mum I never thought Id say such a thing, put myself before my child, but history has taught me that I must and anyone in this postion should do the same.

Being a new Mum is wonderful, exhausting and a million other things and this is a time when you should be taking extra special care of yourself and baby.

srp94 wrote:

Hi Half Life

Thanks for your comments.

On Friday he said he has looked into local GA meetings whilst he was waiting to meet me in town. There is one just in the centre of town in a church hall, but he said there are no professionals or consellors there which I found odd and I questionned it, asking where he had read that. I've just been on the website myself and all of the sessions near us say they are just for CGs - no professionals there.

How does that work then? Does he go to these meetings at the same time hes having the 1 to 1 counselling?

It may be me being naive, but I thought these meetings were supposed to have an actual counsellor there who leads the sessions, I also thought that by attending he'd be assigned a 'buddy' or supporter. I mean I know he has me, but I don't understand what it's like inside his head when he wants to gamble. Someone who knows these feelings would be able to talk him through it way more effectively than I could.

Could someone please explain the format of these meetings?

I re-read his note this morning so I could take it all in without the addrenaline rush of having to try and find him. On Thursday I didn't read the last line but when I read it this morning it destroyed me "I leave you everything I own and all my assets".

I'm not going to let this beat us, I know everything is ultimately his choice and he will override me if he wants to - but I'm going to do everything I can and I'm not going to give up without a fight. I had never known the damage that gambling can cause, everyone I know knows when to walk away from bets or games. Now, seeing the extent of damaged it has caused my family and my fiance psychologically, it makes me feel sick that so many websites and bookies and casinos operate churning over so much money but there are so many people living in misery. I dont think I will ever see a small bet or any game of chance as fun anymore - not after this.

Fiance has never been abusive to me though. My ex was abusive, emotionally & physically, and even though fiance has this problem he has never attempted to hurt me and we've had the odd argument but I've never felt manipulated. Distanced from him before I knew about his problem - yes (I suspected an affair seeing as I feel like a mess after having our baby and I felt like a mess whilst pregnant too) but I've never felt beaten down or manipulated.

Sorry for the ramblings, its helping to get things off my chest. I've read so many posts on this site and am going to start reading some recovery diaries. Everyone speaks with such emotion, empathy and sincerity and I'm really grateful.

Your a remarkable women.

You have probably saved your partners life.

Where to start firstly on a positive note.

your partner still has his job a big help for your future together.

In my youth I started gambling it became a real problem for me

Then meet i my ex wife.

Decided enough was enough and stopped gambling for over twenty years built a family home had it all

so yes it is possible for him/you to rebuild. It will take time and you will have to vigilant and very stern when it comes to family finances with your partner do not give him an inch not for a long long time till your as sure as you can be he has stopped.

But at the same time try not to speak about money issues in front of him that can be a trigger for CG

The next few months will be unpleasant for him the shame the anger he will need counselling.

GA is not for everybody I did not like it either even though I would recommend he keeps going till one to one counselling is available for him.

Try to get him to sign up to this forum for support we don't judge here

Hi Marko

Thank you, I really needed to hear that tonight.

We had a stupid little argument in tesco this evening and as soon as we got back I just cried and cried which led us to speaking about everything.

He has arranged a telephone session tomorrow with a counsellor from Breakeven who is going to call him at 5.30.

He has also said he completely understands I have lost so much trust in him but he hates himself and how his life has spiralled out of control. He says the gambling has ruined his life and he is going to do everything he can to stop completely and get his life back. I know it's all words right now, but I know we can work together to do this.

He described how the online casino got him completely hooked, and everything he was winning from betting on the football he was putting back into the online casino to try and regain losses and make big money, a story that I've read here a lot already about chasing money that will never come through.

We also spoke about the idea to budget and then put aside all leftover money for something nice. He said he'd already thought of that and wants to save up for our wedding or for a holiday or a home together that we will actually get this time.

I am thankful for his honesty. Baby has a bit of a stomach upset as well today, so its been pretty full on, I'm pretty much ready for bed now at 7.30!!

srp94 wrote:

Hi Marko

Thank you, I really needed to hear that tonight.

We had a stupid little argument in tesco this evening and as soon as we got back I just cried and cried which led us to speaking about everything.

He has arranged a telephone session tomorrow with a counsellor from Breakeven who is going to call him at 5.30.

He has also said he completely understands I have lost so much trust in him but he hates himself and how his life has spiralled out of control. He says the gambling has ruined his life and he is going to do everything he can to stop completely and get his life back. I know it's all words right now, but I know we can work together to do this.

He described how the online casino got him completely hooked, and everything he was winning from betting on the football he was putting back into the online casino to try and regain losses and make big money, a story that I've read here a lot already about chasing money that will never come through.

We also spoke about the idea to budget and then put aside all leftover money for something nice. He said he'd already thought of that and wants to save up for our wedding or for a holiday or a home together that we will actually get this time.

I am thankful for his honesty. Baby has a bit of a stomach upset as well today, so its been pretty full on, I'm pretty much ready for bed now at 7.30!!

Hi Happy my post has helped.

Its early days for both you and your partner.

You are probably in shock and he is probably all over the place it sounds like he has reached rock bottom.

As we GC call it.

Patience is what you will need for the next couple of months.

Of course everybody is different but you can expect a mixture of sadness guilt and anger till he comes to terms with his actions

The good news is all this will pass with time it varies from person to person but you will be surprised at how quickly he will become

His old self again.

Hi,

Hope you and Junior are feeling better.

I have heard it said that GA is not for everyone...but those CGs who go into recovery and stay there do tend to be the ones who commit to it and attend regular meetings. Look at the recovery diaries of dunmac, Wal, triangle. The excuses and criticism come from those less committed to recovery. This doesn't mean that no one who attends GA ever slips but long term GA seems to get the best results. There are weekly meetings in multiple locations, no bookings or reservations are needed, he should be able to get to meetings quite easily... if he wants to.

Whatever budget you agree, have as much as possible in your name, have full access inc on line to his accounts and he should require only minimal spending money to be supported by receipts. I echo HL's advice.

Take care,

CW

Hi all, thanks for checking in on me.

I feel like I can breathe a little clearer today after partner had his telephone assessment for 1 to 1 counselling yesterday. He sat with me as he took the call. The counsellor asked questions such as whether he'd lost any relationships or jobs through gambling, and what sort of activities he takes part in.

The counsellor also asked when the last time was he placed a bet. I held my breath for that one praying it wouldn't be after he confided in me and asked me for support. Other half said he placed bets last Wednesday and hasn't since - which was the day before he decided enough was enough and told me. I know I can't trust him 100%, but I would hope he wouldn't lie to a counsellor about something like that just to save face with me. I know I can't be sure just now - but I'm going to check all of our weekly spending tonight to see if we're on track with budgeting etc and to have a look that he currently doesn't use any more accounts apart from the ones he's told me about and self excluded himself from.

He was on the phone for quite a while, probably about 45/50 minutes and when he was finished was quite upset as there were some questions he found difficult to answer. I thought that would be the case and was anxious for him, but he did well. A counsellor who works thursdays is going to get in touch with him about starting sessions as soon as possible.

He also isn't reluctant about attending GA, we just didn't know the format of the sessions and so if it's standard to not have professionals present, then he has said he will go along to our nearest sessions. And I certainly don't mind being taxi service as long as he's getting the help he needs.

Last night he said he wants to do some courses to help him progress at work and so is looking at things like the Open University. He described how he wants to take all of the energy and time hes given to gambling over the years and use it to better himself. I'm not expectimg him to never have difficulties or have a slip up, but all the tine he's trying, I'll support him and we'll find techniques that help so he can stop gambling having such a hold on him.

Hi srp94,

Thank you for your kind post on my recovery diary the other day.

You sound an amazing woman, to take all this information in from your partner so soon after giving birth and support him instantly is truly amazing. I can relate to his plight from a compulsive gamblers point of view, although my debts were no where near his.

I never had the strength to reveal all to my wife, and 7 years on from admitting to myself that I had a gambling problem, I now approach nearly one whole year of being 'clean'. Gambling no longer interests me. It has been a long recovery for me, and there were lots of ups and downs along the way. But now, my life is much better.

I personally tried GA, and I have to say that it wasn't for me. I went a few times, and although I tried to embrace it, it just didn't work for me. That has nothing to do with not wanting to stop, as Cynical Wife has eluded to...."The excuses and criticism come from those less committed to recovery"....... This is certainly not true in my case. It's just not everyones bag. Some people swear by it, and some people don't. A lot of it can do with the group that you attend, who chairs it, etc....is it the same people talking each week, etc..... I have lots of Gamcare friends for who it has worked, and some for who it hasn't.

For me personally, this recovery diary forum has been my saviour, and it will continue to be so for the coming weeks, months and years. I found it better for me, than GA personally. Is your partner interested in starting a recovery diary?...

I wish your partner all the best in his recovery. And you make sure that you too get the support network of friends and family around you as you will need to.

Recovery is possible

All the best

Ade

Hello Ade

Thank you for your lovely comments. I was dreading the weekend, as of course - football bet time.

We kept busy and was out most of the day (and Sunday too). He told me that when he was walking to get the train home from work yesterday he contemplated going into a particular bookies (first word - a prince, second word - a geographical feature) to put a bet on for the football. He said he walked right past as the feeling of being 'clean' is something he now doesn't want to give up. I think he is realising that he can't even just put a 'little' bet on as that will lead to more. He openly admits he needs to go completely cold turkey.

When we have the night waking for our daughter at about 2am, he'll look at the clock and turn to me buzzing to say "10 days clean!" "11 days clean!!" and so on. We're currently on day 13. His moods are still a little up and down, but thats probably not helped by him still adjusting to life as a parent and getting used to his antidepressants.

He has also been arranging sessions with a counsellor whic he thinks will be hard, but he's excited to get started with those. I discussed the diaries with him and said I've been reading them. We were talking about how some people can be on day 300 but still have difficult days, just as someone who is beginning their journey does. We discussed how the urges will probably never go away - but it's about learning how to control those urges and to recognise he's better off without it.

Fingers crossed and best wishes x

Wow, your partner is very fortunate to have you by his side. I have been gamble free for 120 days and I attend GA every week. As previously stated, this is a group of CGs in support of each other. I have some scepticism about GA but it does give me a forum to share thoughts that I would not wish to burden my wife with, it also gives me the chance to be a "giver" to otheres sharing thr challenges. What it also gives me is another reason not to gamble! These guys listen to me every week without judging me, I reward their time by returning next week and telling them that I havent gambled since I last attended. I think your partner should attend but if after a few weeks he doesnt want to go then you should not be concerned. He may well be getting all of the support he needs from you and his counsellor. With regard to trust, I expect to be questioned by my wife and it actually helps. Like when you state that in the night he may refer to day 11, 12 etc, I feel the benefit of being able to give a quick and honest response to questions I get asked. It helps me check that i am being true to myself and my family. I wish you and your partner well, from what I can read, you are doing all of the right things and this will help recovery for both of you. Every gamble free day is a positive step and whilst we must never become complacent, at some point, thoughts of gambling will become secondary to the positive thoughts of living a gamble free life.

All the best

Hi srp94,

Thank you so much for your support on my diary. I really do appreciate it. Your situation has many parallels with my own. You sound like an incredible woman and your husband is extremely lucky to have you. I too have an amazing wife who has been an absolute rock throughout my struggles with gambling, both emotionally and financially. I can relate to so much your husband is going through. When I first confessed to my wife about my gambling addiction I too wrote a letter and we spent a long time crying together. I was so low at that point that I too had suicidal thoughts. It was only the love and support of my wife and the love I have for my children that stopped me from turning these thoughts into action. I am keen to get some sort of external support but there is no GA anywhere near to where we live. I really do hope that yourself and your husband can get through this together and grow stronger as a couple as a result. I am not sure that I can burden my wife with my latest lapse at the moment.

With my very best wishes.

Dave X