So frustrating!

Hi Lottie has anything changed since your last post? Has he admitted a problem or is he still gambling? Have you talked to gamcare? What is he lying about?

Not a good idea to buy into the lie, the advice from GamAnon is to state truth as you see it. Describe a lie as “a lie”, don’t lie yourself by joining in. Describe a gambling addiction as “a gambling addiction”, describe gambling as “gambling“. When in denial, my husband called it “investment” and my cooperation with that, doubtful as I was, perpetuated the gambling.

We teach people how to treat us, by what we tolerate and reinforce. What you allow, is what will continue.

It’s down to you to help yourself, wishing you strength to do it. Is there AlAnon near you? Any travel to meetings is worth it.

CW

He is still denying that he is gambling and says he has closed his b*****r account. This I don't believe as I did see him logged onto it on his phone. I have spoken to a gamcare counsellor and have had my initial first appt. my next appt is in the new year. This is trivial I know but he took my children to buy me a Christmas present which they picked. It then 'disappeared' in our house yet he won't look. I believe It was taken back and the money used elsewhere. This is what's frustrating me. I'm not bothered about a gift but my eldest was so upset she had nothing to give me and this is what upsets me the most.

Cynical wife I have found it too easy to 'agree' with his lies as a way of keeping the peace. I jUst feel completely mentally and physically drained and just don't have the energy. I completely agree with what you have said and I will stop 'agreeing' and buying into his lies.

Lottie, what you’re describing is not trivial, it’s completely dysfunctional. You received no gift - how come that doesn’t matter to you on your own account? Not because you’re mercenary but because that’s what normal people do, exchange thoughtful gifts on Xmas. And what does the entire episode teach your daughter about relationships? What is she learning about how a man should treat her? What is she learning about her own truth? Is she allowed to state clearly that she couldn’t give you her carefully chosen gift because her father “lost” it?

It’s completely understandable not to realise the extent of the chaos when you’re caught up in it. But you all deserve better. Break the cycle and look out for yourself. For the sake of the next generation, get help and support for you to cope with the situation that you’re in.

Take care,

CW

Hi Lottie, sorry to hear you are being treated so appallingly 🙁 I would also suggest that you stick to your guns with the lies...Although you’re provably banging your head against a brick wall trying to get him to admit anything. A big thing I remember from my early days of recovery was my scamming how to try & get my now husband on board with planned future gambling once I’d got my addiction under control...In my best manipulative voice (which as I think about it now, reminds me of something I hate in my mother & makes me cringe) I suggested that we would go back to the penny arcades when on holiday & play together. He was unusually firm on the subject & disagreed with me. I was shocked, still am but it was very important because it meant I wasn’t pulling the wool over his eyes anymore.

Saying & doing are very different but you have to find a way past this exhaustion & make time for you & your children because he isn’t...Counselling will give you tools, GamAnon tools & support. I wish you every strength going forwards - ODAAT

Hi Lottie I agree with Odaat and CW, this is not trivial. He's playing the 'game' and you're going along with it. It's not ok. Using children is not good, not caring how they feel and fooling them. Unfortunately I'm a cynic and been playing the game far too long. I went and bought my own presents. I'm not even going to trust him with more than the bare minimum. Sometimes you have to fight for things to change. I don't mean physically, I mean get on with your life. Stop doing things for a quiet life. Who is paying for the phones and internet? You are. This is your life and it's not trivial. You can only help yourself and that is what you need to do. This is a never ending cycle and one of you has to stop doing the same thing for it to stop. You are the one he is relying on to hide his gambling and then look after him. It's not for me to tell you what to do, I can only give advice. But you need to put yourself first, stop worrying about him.