Hi all,
First time using the forum. I found out on Wednesday evening that my husband of 4months had managed to get into £20k debt due to gambling. I had no idea the financial state he has got in.
Been a bit of a whirl wind since Wednesday. He has started making steps to fix this. He has been in touch with Gamcare, he has agreed for me to have full financial control and we are going to a GA meeting tonight.
I am worried he is only making steps to try and save this marriage and not because he thinks he needs to.
I have no idea what is going to happen with the relationship and I don't know how I will ever be able to trust him again.
Any advise on next steps will be much appreciated.
Hi, KatB,
Nightmare for you, my sympathies, it's truly awful to find out exactly what's been going on behind your back.
In one sense, someone who has newly come to GC or GA, who does want to stop and is wondering how to tell their OH, is advised to tell whilst showing their OH what they are doing to overcome the problem. Actions speak louder than words, good intentions are meaningless if they are forgotten when the urge to gamble strikes. Your husband might be trying to follow the advice he's been given, it will help him as well for you to take financial control. However, if your instinct is to suspect his motives, ignore your instinct at your peril, it's probably based on something that he's said or done to raise your antennae.
The other thing, actually, the main thing, is that it's not all about him, even if he supposes otherwise. My experience is that active addicts are very selfish, even if he wants to save the marriage, there are two people in the marriage and they have to both want the same thing. You must put your own interests first, there are no prizes for being a martyr and no reward for sacrificing yourself to meet his needs.
My advice is to get as much information and support as possible for yourself. Read this part of the forum and once informed, you will be better able to recognise addict/CG behaviours and cope with them. You need real people as well, tell a trusted friend or family member, call GC, go to GamAnon meetings. It can be really isolating and isolation makes it worse.
Finally, protect yourself financially. Do not give him money, nor take out loans, nor allow him to borrow from family or anyone else. It's not your job to clear up the mess and you shouldn't try. Let him call his creditors, if he needs help, try StepChange. Better for him to realise the link between gambling and debts, it's no good bailing out and protecting him from it.
Do get credit reports in your name and his from all three agencies, he will need to cooperate and it would be ominous if he refused. Debt can be understated or taken out in a spouse's name, do check.
Look after yourself.
CW
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