Stopped talking

I can completely sympathise with you. I have been through this same pattern sooo many times with my CG. He knows he has the problem and that even having a bank card on him at work is a bad idea but does it anyway. He is always very sorry and full of promises. Its impossible to see things changing. X

Thank you. My CG also knows he has a problem but thinks he can help himself, I'm just hoping it can change but until he truly wants some help, I don't think it will. I'm also finding I'm isolating myself as I can't talk to anyone about it to protect him. x

I made the mistake of telling my mum and sister. They hold it against him. I say 'mistake' coz I now avoid them in case they judge me for giving him second, third, hundredth chances...we are currently separated but I don't want to tell my family in case we get back together n I'm judged for being weak. My CG finds the meetings uncomfortable so refuses to go...he also doesn't think he's 'as bad' as the rest of them :s

Hi, Liz,

I'm sorry to hear your situation.

I was there three years ago. I knew that he'd been spread betting and he convinced me that as a personal favour to me he wouldn't do it any more, that the children's accounts that he controlled weren't my business and that I wasn't to ask questions. All lies. The children's money had already gone, the spread betting continued unabated. The one thing that he managed to avoid was more credit, because he was betting most of his wages whilst I paid all our outgoings. But at the time I suspected but I didn't know, I didn't think I could break up the family because of his refusal to show me his bank statements.

What made the difference this time round was seeing my son's bank statements. He came of age and was able to request them in his own right. It was there, independently verified and I had proof. From there, I gave my husband an ultimatum of get help or get out. He knew that the game was up.

That's exactly why I don't tell anyone as I know my family would be very judgemental about me supporting him. It is getting hard to continue though as I feel resentful towards him as well. It feels a bit of a relief to find people on here who feel the same and can understand the situation. I think we would have seperated before now but he refused to leave our house and I didn't want to go to my parents with the children as I feel that would really be the end of the relationship. x

They have to accept that actually those people in those rooms, that is them. Uncomfortable yes, but nothing compared to what they put us through. Gam anon meetings were the only place I could talk, the first people I found who knew what it was like to have a gambler in your life, they were a lifeline for me. Most people don't understand. Keep talking

Hi Cynical Wife,

He denies that he is gambling but I know he must be with his refusal to show bank statements etc. did he get help after your ultimatum. I feel he's at the point where he would rather give up on us instead of the gambling. x

Sorry, saved too soon.

My point is that it's completely different this time, it's not easy but he did hand over the finances and cooperate with the barriers, not happily but enough for the time being. And he does go to GA.

For you, it's much harder. He isn't prepared to do what it takes to stop and he's dragging you down with him. His behavior is unacceptable. You can't stop him gambling but you can in a rock/hard place sort of a way decide what you are prepared to tolerate. You need to put yourself and the children first, you know you can't rely on him. You can't control if he gambles but you can control whether or not he does it from the family home and whether or not he does it from the safety of a relationship with you.

And get help for you. Tell his family and yours, tell any friends that might support you, call GamCare, go to GamAnon.

Hope this helps.

CW

Thanks CW. It helps seeing that written down as it's exactly what I've been thinking.

Liz he gave up on us many times before he accepted he had problems. He would say I have the issue as I was trying to control him....he couldn't see at all.

Oh and the other thing I wanted to share was he once had a substantial win (most of which must have got pumped back into the bookies) and I know he now feels like that's possible again which doesn't help will keeping his head out of the clouds n back to reality!

Hi, Liz,

re your family, point out to them that it's v difficult for you. Addiction is v hard to manage, it's the addict who has to want to stop and do what it takes to go into recovery and stay there. You can't control what he does.

You will get more support here and at GamAnon because we've all been there.

It sounds like he doesn't want to stop. Denial and refusal to disclose are ominous signs. You should see attendance at GA or counselling plus full handover of finances plus cooperation with barriers. If you're not seeing these things, then the question for you is whether to continue to tolerate his addiction. As an active CG, he will want to bet more than he wants you and the family.

No easy answers but we'd thinking of you.

CW

How are you getting on?

CW

The last couple of nights I've been reading other posts and amazed at the same patterns of behaviour from the CG's and also the same feelings/emotions I've felt from those affected by the gambling. I have told him I can't tolerate this anymore and we (if he wants to stop) have to put together a plan of action. The reply I've got is that he wants to stop but after this last trip to the races tomorrow with his friends. I guess that says it all. I'm a bit numb from all of it really,

Hi,

The situation sounds dreadful. I am a cg in recovery and in that recovery steps must be taken to ensure that your barriers are in place. Not "I will start after my next binge"

Half life summed it up perfectly above. He has the easy decision to go racing. It seems you are being forced into a corner and may have to make that difficult decision to leave.

Can't change the past but you can deal and control your future.

Best wishes