I never thought I would reach this point but here I am...
After looking through all these posts last night it was comforting to realise how many people are going through the same thing as me. I was debating whether to post my story but after seeing more money go from my account this morning I feel like I need to get it off my chest.
I am engaged to a CG, been together for 3 and a half years, lived together for 3 years. When we met he explained how he had been made redundant from his job a few weeks before, I didnt think much of it. Fast forward and he's living with me at my university whilst trying to find work, he was openly gambling online at this point but again i didnt pay much attention. With it being my first relationship I was just happy and blinded by love to notice what was going on.
As soon as uni finished we moved in with my mum and he was back looking for a job, I managed to find a job and ended up working 50+ hours and sometimes 9 days in a row without a day off and that was mentally and physically exhausting. He couldnt keep a job down for more than a few weeks so i became the bread winner which was added pressure and responsibility but at the time I didn't mind because i knew he wanted to get a job. A year and a half into the relationship he explains he might have a gambling problem and i told him i was there for him and we would sort it out but i was so naive to the matter that it ended up being empty words and nothing really was done to sort it out.
Next comes the debt...i foolishly got credit cards in my name as we were struggling for money (me being the only one working and it not being a great paid job) these funds (£1000s+) get rinsed within a few months and i'm sure you can guess what a lot of it went on. Then he started creating gambling accounts in my name so that he could use my card...and this happened on more than one occasion after telling him how messed up it was to do that. Each time I expressed how much he was hurting me doing these things he would apologise and i would forgive and feel sorry for him...
At the 2 and a half year mark, i get woken up to him upset and telling me how he has thoughts about suicide. After long chats and visits to the doctor it is apparent he suffers from depression and anxiety...as well as being a CG. This causes him to lose his job that he had for a month or so. I was supportive and we were working on him getting better but i started to feel neglected...throughout all this he's still gambling and using my cards and trying to find new sneaky ways to hide it from me. If i confront him about things he shouts at me and says how annoying it is to have me question him all the time and that he can be in a relationship like that...and a month later turns out i was right (what a surprise) and i had every right to question him.
Never feels like i get a real apology and it is now to the point where he lost another job recently (only had it for a few weeks) because he had suicidal thoughts again. I had reached my boiling point with the gambling and told him we were stopping it from now on, i blocked the sites and we had loong chat about it. A few days later he went to the doctor to get help with counselling and he told to the doctor how gambling is the only thing that makes him feel alive right now. So of course the doctor said to carry on gambling for now. I totally appreciate it makes him feel alive with the adrenaline and everything but it felt like the biggest slap in the face. What am i supposed to do? deprive him of what makes him feel alive in a time when he is suicial? What the doctor doesnt realise is how much I am struggling with everything right now...i have no idea how much more of this i can take...he has spent in excess of £600-700 this month alone which is money we simply dont have. I think hes put my account into an unplanned overdraft and i am just feeling numb.
I am trying my hardest to keep control of the finances but I am juggling a million things right now. I am still the only one working (got a new job a few months ago which comes with a lot of learning and proving im good at the job) which is just an unbelievable amount of pressure and responisibilty, along with trying to repay all these debts and have enough for the bills etc its just a really difficult time right now. I myself suffer with anxiety and mild depression and I am really struggling to stay strong and be supportive when i am constantly being taking advantage of and i just dont know how long my heart can take this pain. I hate living a double life, trying to hide all these feelings is so self destructive but i dont want people to know whats going on at the same time because im ashamed of letting it get to this mess.
My partner has a lot of issues that hes dealing with and hes been through some really hard times before we met, i really do love him and he is a good person hes just broken and lost right now and i just dont know how to fix it.
I really just needed to vent because no-one knows the extent of all this and I just dont know what to do anymore.
Thank you if you took the time to read this and any advice would be much appreciated. 🙂
So sorry you are going thru this... you certainly have a lot on your plate. You can be there for support for your partner but you will never be able to "fix" this... that is entirely his job.
He is definitely a compulsive gambler but sounds like he is somewhat in denial. He framed his discussion to the doctor to get the advice he wanted to hear (my son has gone to emergency suicidal a few times and his problem with gambling never even came up). He is in addiction survival mode. Everything is spiralling out of control but "don't take my gambling away... it's the only thing that makes me happy". It's pure c**P and it's the addiction talking.
For your own survival you need to set financial boundaries or he will take you right down to the bottom with him. His debts are his to pay. As long as you keep supplying the cash he will keep trying to gamble his way out... there is no end.
The spouses on the forum will reply soon and be able to give you some concrete advice.
"You didn't cause this, you can't control this and you can't cure it". This is from Gam Anon. If you have one nearby I would suggest trying is out... the support can be invaluable.
Cathyx
One thing that sticks out to me is that he said the doctor said for him to carry on gambaling?
It doesn't sound to me like something a doctor would say.
More of a line he's made up to stay in the game. Unfortunately he's giving you reasons to carry on he's not wanting to walk away right now.
If he's not willing to stop unfortunately he won't
But that doesn't mean you have to go down with him.
The best advice is cut him off financially and get some help for yourself also
Im so sorry to hear what you are going through. He seems to be denial. Although he admits he has a problem he does not want to do anything about it. I cannot imagine a doctor would tell you to carry on gambling and unless you heard the doctor say this then dont believe your boyfriend. You need to put yourself first before he drags you down with him to a point it will take years to recover. I myself am a compulsive gambler where i am currently at a point where i haven't gambled in 39 days. My girlfriend is my absolute rock and i dont know what i would do without her sometimes. She has put measures in place to ensure i dont get tempted and relapse. I have an app called netnanny on my phone where the internet browser is removed and you browse the internet on netnanny. It blocks all gambling websites and it can compatible with both android and iphone. You need to change your pin and order a new card. Once your new card comes, so he cannot find out the security code (numbers on the back of the card) you could scratch these off so he cannot use the card online. Until he admits the problem and actually attempts to do something about it then these are the only things you can do, you need to look after yourself because i can see its affecting you massively.
Good luck and i hope things work out.
Dan
I just want to thank you all for responding to my post. Wasn't sure what to expect to be honest and it's overwhelmed me to actually discuss my situation with someone other than my partner...
It's given me a wake up call that's for sure and after having a bit of a breakdown the other night it really has opened my eyes at the severity of this situation and how I can't let it continue this way.
We've had conversations about it all near enough every night these past few days, including tonight and I told him that as much as I am here to support him he needs to want to stop the gambling himself otherwise it will never work. To which he made very clear that he doesn't want to stop right now...not easy to hear but at least it's the truth. And now that I step back and think about it, yes the doctor telling him to continue gambling is more than likely a lie, it's shocking how many lies a cg can make you believe.
I've explained that I am essentially cutting myself off from his gambling and the blocks have been put back on the computer and I am taking the steps to ensure I am not financially involved with this anymore.
Just have to see how it goes from here as I have made it clear to him that I can't live like this anymore and as much as I love him and want to support him I need to protect myself from now on.
Ive truly realised how unfair it is for me to be treated this way and I know that I don't deserve it, nobody deserves to be treated like that especially from someone who loves them. Which is why I am going to look after myself now, and that includes getting some help like you have all suggested. The emotional toll this life has on a person is too much to handle without some support from a professional that's for sure.
Cathy, Half-life, Uncertain outcomes, Dean0 and Dan thanks again for sparing the time to give me your advice. This forum has shown me that through our toughest and saddest moments we can pull together and help each other out. I wish you all the best 🙂
Hi Eb1, welcome to the forum 🙂
It doesn't appear to have been mentioned but GamCare can provide you a counselling service @ no cost to yourself if that is the sort of help you would consider? Living with anxiety & depression is hard enough without an active CG making it worse. He's not ready to accept help but it's great to hear that you are 🙂 There is help out there should he find the strength to try & overcome his battles but you can't do that for him, only support him if you have anything left after looking out for you. No decisions need to be reached today but if he is not ready to stop, you must decide what you are willing to put up with & stick to your guns.
Us CG's are incredibly manipulative & some could probably even pass a polygraph with the lies we convince ourselves are true, trust your instincts & look after you - ODAAT
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