I got sucked back in. How I don't know. I'm living back at my house and trying to take care of myself and rebuild my precarious finances and my career.
It's not as though we are "together". She's been ultra sweet and I got sucked back in. She seems a different person. She gives off signals about possibly getting back together.
I need to get a grip of myself and step back. Getting sucked back in has meant a couple of nights out with her but shes gambling basically every night. I was joining her as I got sucked back in because it seemed a way to do something together. I hate gambling I find it boring and repetitive. And then I hate myself for having joined her and even having gambled with her. Of course I've been giving her gambling money which I need for my priorities, and when I've gambled I've used money I need for my priorities, so this is grossly irresponsible. And I hate it. I'm not good at it, I don't want to be good at it, and I really don't enjoy gambling or watching others gamble. I resent being there and participating or even watching. I've been doing it because it's the only leisure pastime she seems willing to do.
So. I'm going to try again to stay away. That will remove an extractive relationship (whatever its nature) from my life and it will remove gambling and its effects from my life.
I woke up on Thursday full of the joys of life and thought something was wrong with me. I thought I'd gone manic. I rushed to work not because I was stressed but because I was eager to do everything I had to do. I didn't feel anxious, stressed or lethargic. I didn't feel life was out of my control and passive. Then I realised that nothing was wrong with me. I realised I think I've been suffering depression for a very long time and I simply feel back to normal now. I've been feeling the same ever since Thursday. So now I know I have the power to stay away. She wants me to take her to the casino tonight. She's been every night this week except Thursday. I'm going to go and see her and tell her that I can't do any of this any more. It's strange. I thought I had broken away from the codependency but somehow I got sucked back in. She seemed so different - thoughtful and polite and attentive, not belittling and attacking and accusing me.
All I know is that right now is that I need to fix my boundaries and protect myself. That's my priority. And what has brought this home is that as soon as I had all the sweet sweet behaviour transformation and it seemed as though we had a glimmer of a chance and things could be normal whatever normal is I got drawn back in but this time her gambling seems worse than ever and I've been doing things that I really resent doing. So it's back to square one and draw the boundaries, say no firmly and then start the rebuilding process again. Really, I have been feeling great since Thursday but I feel furious with myself that not only have I been facilitating her gambling but I ended up doing it myself when I really don't want to do it, just from a weak and codependent mindset of trying to get back with her. I've never been like this in any previous relationship so I need to fix this fast and just protect myself and get far away fast.
Concernedbf.
I feel your pain and understand entirely. Reading your post has made me realise that it's codependency that keeps me and my husband together (he is the cg in our relationship) not love, trust and respect. That has all gone. I feel guilty for wanting to end this merry-go-round of a life we have. I feel guilt about the children. Irrespective of how he treats me, he does love his 2 children so much and they love him too. How can I split up our family? His family are falling apart under other pressures and I feel guilty about adding to that. I'm scared. Of staying with him and of breaking up and being on my own with three children.
I admire your resolve and strength. I wish I had that in me.
I'm tired of fighting his addiction, his behaviour surrounding that and towards me. Like you are tired.
I wish you luck, peace and happiness. Focus on you. Make you happy. You sound like a good man and deserve that much at the very least.
All the very best to you,
S&L80
S&L80
When I read your post it makes me realise how lucky I am that there are no children involved in my situation. I can only try to imagine what you must have been through but the important thing is to take care of yourself (and of course the children). Reading this and your other thread, it sounds quite overwhelming so I'm really glad to read in your other thread that you have a counselling session coming up next Monday. Hopefully that will help and it's the start of a process that will hopefully help you find more clarity again and make it easier to deal with everything. You took the hardest step by realising his problem (I know from my own experience, I was in denial for a long time!), and by identifying ways of accessing help and support. Take care of yourself.
Hi, CB,
Sorry to hear it - but did you really get sucked back in or did you choose to resume the relationship because that's what you know? She's not a vacuum cleaner and you deserve better things than the dust bag!
You're not helpless, you're not back with her solely because that's what she wants and you must go along with it. You can make your own choices, get the support you need to do it. If you want out then end it - tell her it's over, block calls, texts and emails, generally refuse to engage and do whatever else it takes. And then have a cold hard look at why you look for love where you do.
Sorry to sound harsh but you have to be responsible for your own choices and actions.
Apologies and BW,
CW
CW,
You are absolutely right I did choose to go back. And I didn't want to go back for love, I chose to go back and I did so for a range of reasons.
One was to do with, I think, loneliness. I became isolated from my friends and family during the relationship, when I couldn't even use my phone for fear of her jealous outbursts. One was to do with being constantly undermined by endless comments telling me that I am ugly and even smelly (if I made an effort to dress nicely she would even threaten to cut a nice jacket up with scissors, telling me how awful I looked in it). After getting out of the relationship I still have a lingering lack of confidence even though I am often complimented on my appearance. And one was because it was convenient. So basically this relationship left me feeling lonely but as though nobody else would ever want me, and it was just a convenient thing that was there for me. She'd be flirting with a male friend of hers in front of me and talking about how beautiful he is, telling me how when he gets ready he sends her photographs of himself getting dressed for her to advise him on his clothes, while telling me how disgusting and ugly I looked. I'd ask her if she fancied coming into the city centre with me while I chose glasses to wear if I fancied z break from contact lenses and her response would be to sneer: "YOU want to buy glasses! Look at yourself and take some care of your appearance before you waste money on new glasses. You look disgusting". So I was left with zero sense of esteem in my appearance and feeling as though I would never be attractive to other women. This was a daily grind of put downs, without respite.
The situation as it stands is simple. She wants me back in her life but without being willing to clarify in what way - it is as though after a long abusive relationship she is setting "tests" for me in order for us to get back together and to see if I have changed. This means that her preferred arrangement is to have me around as a friend who is willing to "help" her as though I am still her boyfriend, and in fact doing more than ever because I am supposed to "prove" myself to her, but without actually being her boyfriend. In other words, it is exploitative and extractive.
I didn't choose to go back because of love, trust or respect, but simply because after becoming undermined and socially isolated during the relationship, it was all I felt I had available to me. After getting out the first time I have made big efforts to rebuild my social life and really that's what I should have been doing rather than going back.
At the end of the day if I continue spending any time with her I will destroy my life. After getting out the first time my self esteem has begun rising again. People compliment me on my clothes and appearance now I am free to choose what I wear and al able to dress nicely. People tell me I'm attractive. Staying with her will just undermine my self esteem. I don't want to see her ever again. She only wants me because I provide a financial lifeline that allows her to gamble. And I'm not going to destroy my life for her. She doesn't love me and doesn't respect me. But I love and respect myself. So that's it. Enough is enough. I want all of this out of my life.
Thanks cw your words are absolutely right.
Hi, CB,
Two quotes, firstly, Shakespeare: To thine own self be true.
Secondly, Hillel, in Ethics of the Fathers, phrased as three simple questions which are not at all simple, they're actually very profound: If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? If I am just for myself, what am I? If not now, when?
Worth some thought.
CW
Thank you CW, these are indeed the questions. Somehow I lost myself in this relationship. No matter how abusive the relationship was, she's not responsible for all the harm and damage it caused me, I am for having lost my boundaries and myself. She's really not z bad person and has many great qualities whatever happened. But it's not about her but me now. The past eight or nine days have cost me probably about £450 that I need for my priorities. That's not her fault, it's my faulty decision making for going along with it all. It's very simple. I now have another chance. I just need to take it and make the decisions that are true to myself. Nobody else is going to save me. Ive been given many chances and sooner or later the chances will run out. I need only to protect myself. I realise that while I think I love her, it can't be love - she's assaulted me - but is just codependency. I realise I don't even know who she is - she, her brother and mother seem to all merge into one without clearly demarcated identities of their own they are so codependent on each other. Anyway that's not my concern and it's not what should concern me. The brothers girlfriend kept herself and saved herself. I lost myself: now's the time to just be true to myself again. Thank you, cw, the future is in my hands. I have a chance to transform my life back to the kind of normal life and relationships I used to enjoy. I've made my choice. I need to put proper boundaries in place this time. And just be true to my needs, my values, and myself and know that the fact I wasn't respected for being myself is all I need to know. At the end of it all i don't need someone else to respect who I am. I just need to respect and be true to who I am. Thanks cw.
Hi CB well I'm saddened and surprised to be reading this post, why are you putting yourself through this again, she is no good for you! She has problems more than gambling, she will entice you back in, drain you of your money your confidence and your self esteem and you'll be back to square one again. You are your own person, find someone who loves you for you! Wcid xx
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