Suspicious of my new partner

Red flags all over this. Fact your paying a bulk sum of money for a holiday and he is broke, yet gambling tells you everything. 

I would keep at arms length, be a friend and watch how much he wants to change.

Read your post back as if it was a stranger, what would you advise...get out now before its too late! 

I don't agree with @sinceninetyeight in that you should just get out now. It may be the right thing to do, but what you've said isn't black and white. He may not have relapsed.

If you see a future to this relationship, then there is hope. But obviously that doesn't mean let him drag you down with him. He was open with you on your second date, and for me, that sounds like a big positive. It shows acknowledgement of the problem and also shows a desire for change.

The worst thing you can do is stick around and do nothing, which if he is gambling, will only let it continue and get worse. His behaviour sounds familiar and it does sound like he may have relapsed. A gambling problem thrives when it's in the shadows, so the best thing you can do for yourself and for him, is to simply ask him outright. You will gauge from his reaction as to whether your suspicions are justified or not.

If you're wrong, he should be okay about it. He told you about his past for a reason. No accuse him, just ask him. You are looking out for his welfare as well as your own and make that clear. It's okay to be wrong. It's not okay to ignore a problem.

If he is gambling, you will both have decisions to make. Does he want to stop? Can you forgive him? Only you know, but at least you will know where you stand.

Thanks for your replies, this is so helpful. I have asked him of course several times whether he is still gambling ('no'), and whether he has trigger points ('none, I am not interested anymore'). I have asked many questions about gambling generally, he only gambled on horse races, and in betting shops, never online he said. He also stopped smoking several years back, and somehow his replies are different on that addiction, versus the gambling. Just a feeling. It is really difficult to not trust him, because as a new girlfriend I feel it is not my place to check up on his bank accounts!! But leave him just over a hunch?? 

Hi there,

Something  doesn't add up on opening post " he is debt free now, g free for 5 years,  steady job....YET he gets financial support from family and is broke so he cannot pay for the holiday?"

Let me shine some light...im not completely g free for 5 years but am trying (apart few relapses I am.keeping my head above water)...debt almost clear, a bit of savings on my back, steady job..no financial  help needed...

Now,...sorry to say but I think he is actively  gambling  and if not, then something  is being kept a secret (maybe secret child he is maintaining  for?)

Us, compulsive  gamblers will break arm and leg to get away with lies! I just can't believe  the cheek of him even to ask you to pay "bulk" for a holiday!

You know who is most important person in all this suspicious  spiderweb? YOU! And you must never put anyone ahead of yourself, esp someone  you barely know (6 months is not long enough to know the person, esp a gambler who lost their house previously due to the same). He will strip you bare in no time.

Offer support,  listening  ear, level of understanding  but please don't give money, items or let him manipulate you into something  what may sound silly as loan or so on.

Love has rosy glasses on, please keep clear mind esp when it comes to addiction like this.

Someone already mentioned something extremely  important- "actions speaks louder than words"...and presently his words proves complete opposite  to the situation  he paints.

Stay safe...you MATTER THE MOST!

Attend gam anon if you want to learn a bit more about  addiction,  it's evil..and I rather you find out about what it can make ppl do sooner rather  than later.

And as I read your opening post, you already know something  is off...trust your instincts,  they never lie!

Keep us updated

Xx

Thanks all and particularly @absentee and @sb28 for your insightful comments, and have to say I admire both your honesty in the way you talk about your addiction. 

You helped me understand how important self reflection about ones gambling problem seems to be, something that I don't really see in my partner.

A 'half in half out watch and see' relationship does not work for me. What I have decided is that I do not see a future with a man who is not financially responsible. And needing family support and having zero savings is irresponsible in my eyes. Irrespective whether he is in that situation because of gambling or too frequent pub visits. 

But I am not giving up on him just yet. To save our relationship, I want evidence that he turned financially responsible, and I will ask for his suggestion how to prove this. Probably regular savings of 20% of his income on a separate account, which he shows me. This is all very sad for me.

I would never ever loan him money, and I will go on holiday with friends and family rather than him in future unless he contributes. 

Xx 

@survived You seem to have your head screwed on, which is very good. Your approach is seems very reasonable, and above all else, you must look after yourself. Don't get into a financial mess because of someone else.

I agree with @sb28 in that something doesn't quite add up. Even if paying off debts, your partner should have some money available and shouldn't need family support, if he has a good job. A gambler will go to extreme lengths to gamble and they will go even further to try and hide it. As of now, it is just a hunch but it is good to be on alert.