Teenage Gambling

Hi worried_mum

I am a recovering CG.

I have some bad news for you unfortunately. A gambler will only stop gambling if he wants to.

The reasons for him wanting to stop are varied. Generally it is because he has no money left (like me), and he loathes what he sees in the mirror (like me). He has no place to turn, then he seeks help. If only we were all a bit brighter and got the help earlier life would be so much better 🙁

Another common reason is an ultimatum. eg. a partner threatens divorce.

There are steps that you can take if he is willing to try to abstain from gambling. Unfortunately he is not at this stage. Until he is willing to receive help and wants to stop, there is nothing much you can do.

I would suggest that you make sure that he cannot hurt you or your husband financially. Do not bail him out if he owes money. This is a common but understandable mistake nade by the loved ones of gamblers. By paying his debts, you would be enabling him to gamble.

As you have discovered, when gambling we will steal, lie, cheat and manipulate our loved ones, just so we can gamble. Do NOT trust him.

You would in all likelihood be wasting your breath trying to reason with him. Logic and gambling are not good bedfellows.

A good first step for you would be to ring Gamcare. Get some advice from the counsellors on how to approach your son's gambling problem.

There are some lovely partners and mothers on this forum who will be better able to give you advice from their perspective.

Take care

Hi Worried_Mum

I am also a mom of a gambler. Mine started at 18 and is now 26. He only just started GA last year after years of denial,thinking he could do it on his own, counsellors etc. He is finally in recovery (although has had a few slips) but it is a long hard journey ... but it is their journey!!

As a mom I know how you feel - disappointed,sad,furious,scared and somewhat of a failure. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it! Call Gamcare or see if you can find a Gam Anon group... anything to help give you some support.

You sound like you are doing all the right things i.e. not giving money etc. Anything that gets them to their bottom faster will help. I have had so many ups and downs during the last 8 years sometimes I thought I was losing my mind! The best thing I did was get group support for myself. By you looking after yourself and getting stronger it starts to eliminate some of the chaos that this addiction thrives on.

Keep writing!

Hi worried_mum, another CG here just dropping by to echo all of the above! It's horrible to hear but apart from being there with support, there is nothing you can do for him, it all has to come from him!

You do however need to do everything you can to protect yourself! As67 is in the same boat if you have a look @ some of her threads, it's not comfortable reading but it is proof that you are not alone!

I am worried that you mention his size as this suggests he is intimidating you in which case you may want to have a chat with the National Domestic Violence helpline (0808 2000 247). If you do resort to calling the police, this will be his doing & not yours, I am surprised his employer did not report him to be honest!

You will have to be strong & look after you - ODAAT

Thanks for your honest replies. Have just been reading them with my husband. I think I know this is going to get worse before it gets better. Glad I found this site to get some advice from people going through the same issues as us and to know we aren't alone - although I wish none of us had to go through it at all 🙁

Hi worried-mum

You are not on your own, there are many people here just the same as you and I and all offer good advice and support. You will find its one of the best decesions you will ever make.

Your son behaves just the same as mine and ours hasnt had any respect for us for a very long time, if hes stealing hes most definetly addicted. Do not doubt yourself or let him tell you differently, you know whats going on and he knows you know. You will probably find that hes ok with other people but behind closed doors hes awful to you, thats because now you know you're going to try and stop him gambling. When he tells lies dont cover for him, gamblers use lies to continue what they are doing.

When I came here I was looking for an answer almost like a list of things we could do to fix our son, it took me a while for it sink in because that list doesnt exist. We are all here because we either have a loved one who gambles or are gamblers in recovery or trying to be. There are some very wise people here who truelly understand what our lives are like.

Like you we tried everything we possibly could to help him and nothing worked we were at our wits end didnt know what to do. I was told many times that we cant help him and I had to realise that for myself, it took me a long time to get there and honestly very diffiucult when the penny finally dropped, but I do feel better now.

Theres no one size fits all for gamblers some get help before others and others take a lot longer, theres no way of knowing how it will be for your son. What I do know for certain is nothing you or I can do can make them get help they have to do that for themselves. I also know that you must put yourself first which is incredibly hard as a parent, its not the way its supposed to be but its essential, doing that now will save yourself some upset later.

If you decide to read my other posts please understand that although it makes uncomfortable reading it doesnt neccesarily mean that its going to be exaclty the same for you and your son. There are gamblers who seek help before they get to the point my son is at but they all have to feel their life is so crappy that they want to help themselves, not do because we tell them to.

Dont beat yourself up with the what ifs, or maybe I should ofs, none of it makes any differnce and it didnt turn him into a gambler. I have tormented myself convinced we were somehow responsible, or something had happened after all he came from a happy family, its a waste of time and energy and there isnt an answer.

There are some things that can help both you and him and had we known we would of done them sooner.

Firstly like Ive already said you must put yourself first, because honestly your son wont care, not nice I know but its true. Lock all financial information away, and anything he can sell even things you think no surely he wouldnt.Once I just caught my son in time before he tried to sell my mums wedding ring, I went balistic and it give me such a shock, dont underestimate just how desperate they can get.Dont ever give him money ( no matter what sob story he gives you) or bail them out even if they have debts, it just keeps the whole gambling madness going. We helped our son with his debt, should never of done it, he now owes thousands, double what we initially thought. They should be made to face the debt its part of getting better. Dont even give him money for a sandwich its still enough for a bet.

Get yourself some counselling or go to GA, Ive just started counselling and only wish Id done it ages ago. Call gamcare, in the mean time they can help and arrange the counselling for you, free of charge. One thing we did and might be worth a go is when you speak to gamcare ask for some of their leaflets to leave out for your son, it didnt help mine but it might just help yours.

You have said he manipulates you and lies and theyre so good at it, all gamblers do it. At first I was so hurt by the lies but eventually I was able to see it, he couldnt help himself he said what ever he had to to get what he wanted. Once I was able to see what he was doing it didnt bother me so much and knew that when ever he opened his mouth it was a lie. I fell for the "so you dont believe your own son" " I cant believe you are calling me a liar" dont fall for it or be guilt tripped buy it, thats what hes hoping for. I said yes you are lying and unless you are prepared to prove otherwise then you are lying, he never once proved anything to me other than he was lying again. Ive lost count of things now when I look back and realise that something else was I lie but didnt realise or want to believe it at the time.

Dont get into arguments its a waste of time, he'll talk you in circles and you will get frustrated, say what you have to say and leave him alone. Both you and your husband should stand firm and not show that you may have different opinions in front of him, sort any differences out when hes not there and when he is there be united, if sees you are not he will use that against you.

At one point my son was violent and we threatened him with police hes 6ft 3" and has a deep booming voice and when he was in one of his "moods" he scared me . In hindsight we should of called them, I cant say that is right for you or that it will ever get to that point. I can tell you, you should feel safe in your own home and as ODAAT says it might be worth a chat with the National Domestic Violence Helpline.

We have been told by many people that tough love is the best way forward and thats the way its going to continue, because ultimatley when hes well he will see thats what needed to be done and we do love him very much. We went round in circles, it never stopped and all the time he would get just that bit worse, and while we put up with lying, stealing, manipulating etc etc it was never going to stop because he didnt have reason to, as long as he could gamble. We had to make the decision to put ourselves first, it was extremely hard but very necessary otherwise we would still be going round in circles now. I believe had we been tougher earlier and looked after ourselves we might not of had to tell him to leave.

I was also told to do something nice for myself every day, and get on with my life and leave him alone. Honestly at first I was bit shocked thought how could I do that I was a mess, how can I go about my life feeling as low as I did while he was in such a state, but its essentail. At first the distraction is good even a few minutes not thinking about him, then I went on to find a bit of what i call normality. For me I really think it saved my sanity, I was in a very low state. Thanks to Amom and Pangolin for that bit of advice, been a huge help 🙂

I will repeat Amoms last sentence "Buy looking after yourself and getting stronger, it starts to eliminate some of the chaos that this addiction thrives on". That says it perfectly.

Take care

As67 and amom know the particular torture it is to be a parent of a gambler and I cant improve on their advice Teenagers know it all at the best of times, one with this sort of problem is obviously heartbreaking, which is why the advice to look after yourselves and each other is so important. No one take this sort of kick to the guts easily, you need some tlc.

I dont know how easy a gamanon meeting will be for you to get to, but our regulars are mostly parents, you would find a lot of support there. Counsellors, gam anon groups, this forum, use it all, or just what you feel comfortable with, talking helps all of us, keep talking.

Hi as67

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry your having such a hard time with your son also, its not nice at all is it - I aparantly do nothing for my son even though that is so far from the truth. As I said, I'm new on here, after having an online chat with one of the counsellors yesterday, they gave me a number to call to get some counselling sessions locally to where we live. Sounds like from what everyone is saying thats the right way to go!! I'm still trying to take in everyone's advice in and hopefully I will be able to put it all into practice, I'm just really scared of what lies ahead for my son, myself and my family. I'm probably still in a little bit of denial myself, thinking he's just going to come home and say "I'm not betting anymore Mum, I promise, I've been stupid and I'm sorry" but thats not going to happen is it? We have started the journey of "tough love" as we didn't let him come home last night, as he'd lashed out in anger yesterday at a wall in our house and caused some damage, luckily he was able to stay at a friends. He's been home for a short while today, no different in attitude and asking for money which we wouldn't give him. We'll keep plugging away and reading all your advice to help us on our way.

Thanks to everyone for all your posts. Take care and enjoy the rest of your bank hol weekend :0)

Hi worried_mum

When I first found out my son had lost all of his summer job money gambling on Blackjack at a local casino I swooped in to action in "mom" mode. I called a gambling hotline, told my son he had to go to GA and set him up with a counsellor! I thought I had nipped it in the bud and been the perfect mother i.e. problem solved and his gambling days were over! HA HA I had no idea of the insidiousness of this disease.

I went to a Gam Anon meeting right after his confession of losing all his money. I went there to get some help on how to cure him (o*g I was naive). I was a little P****d as I sat there crying my eyes out as there were no answers for me.Also it was clear that my son wasn't as bad as everyone elses gambler (again a little naive)!! Flash forward 7 years and and our family was still riding the gambling rollercoaster and I wanted off! I went back to the same Gam Anon meeting and admitted I was actually powerless over my son's gambling. Finally my healing and recovery started. My son did not reach his bottom for another 6 months and he finally started GA and has commited to his own recovery.

I just want you to realize you are not alone and there is comfort and understanding sharing our "dirty little secret". I can say without a doubt this is THE hardest thing I have ever gone thru! The journey to my recovery (which I am far from perfect at) has at least returned some semblence of normalcy and sanity to my life.

Find out all you can about this addiction. Knowledge is power. Keep sharing your story here and or at a Gam Anon group.

Your son is still in there somewhere and if you can save yourself you will be in a better place to support him when he is ready for his own recovery!!

Take Care

Cathy

Hi

Worried-mum Im so pleased you are getting yourself some help, thats the most important bit you really will feel better for it, I do after just one counselling session. Great start to the tough love, he cant be allowed to lash out like that, so many people have told us this is the best way to go including recovering gamblers, some say they wish their family had been tougher with them. Tough love to me means having to do what ever is necessary to look after us and our son's well being even if he hates us at the moment. I also think what else have we got , he hates us anyway havent got much else to lose at the moment and weve tried everything else. When they are well they will understand. You did the right thing telling him not to come home he cant behave like that, hopefully it makes him think next time before he lashes out. My son hit the door several times, (flippin door is still broken) and we should of told him to get out then because the next twice he did it was his dad he hit, That doesnt mean your son will do the same but you really need to be prepared to stand your ground so theres no chance it can happen. Dont listen to the "you dont do anything for me" its all part of the manipiulation and head games, you really are wasting your breath trying to talk to him and you'll never win. You can not reason with a gambler, it really will drive you mad, he will talk you in circles and he wont believe anything you tell him anyway. I used to try talking to him and it always started nicely from my side but always ended in argeuments and me either getting upset or angry and Im sure he got a kick out of it. Once I realised what was happening I stopped asking him to get help, stopped trying to reason with him or anything else, I said just what I had to and left the room, it sort of felt like I gained a bit of control back.

Im know you feel over whelmed at the moment and your brains probably full of worries and it whirls endlessly wondering what you are going to to do, but with support you will get a liitle peace back and you start to think a little clearer. I used to feel like my head would explode I would be worrying about one thing and before I worked out how to fix that a second worry came along then a third and I couldnt fix any of them I was so overwhelmed by it all, its not like that anymore.

I still have days where I have a melt down and have self doubt - had a pretty good one on Thursday but they are getting fewer and way less than just a few weeks ago. Im trying not to give myself a hard time, Im doing my best and thats as far as I can go and the days when i think well this is just c**P I have cry then get back to my day. I think as mums we just think we can fix everything and its hard to accept that sometimes we cant. We all have a bit of denial at the beginning or maybe its hope that it will be ok and its upsetting when you realise that its not as simple as that but counselling will help you with that. I know how scared you are, im just as scared we dont know whats in store, I do know theres worse to come for us, I think/hope my son is nearing his rock bottom and its not going to be good, and Im going to have to be super tough, but I will be because ultimately its a step closer to him getting well, and yet again thats when the counselling will help me,

Amom "mom mode" great description I think all mums think like that, and its one hell of a shock when you finally realise theres nothing you can do. As I said earlier I thought we were just missing something, Id find out what that was and we'd fix him, took a while for me to accept that wasnt the case. You are right this is incredibly hard and its not the sort of thing where we can just talk about to anyone, it is a dirty little secret. Ive said it before but it feels like grief to me, I would never in a million years thought this possible, it almost feels unreal. Thats why coming here knowing we are not on our own is so important, until I came here I really thought I was the only one who felt so low and never imagined anyone else's lives where as chaotic as ours.

Take care 🙂