Hi Everyone,
I'm not really sure where to start - I have made a couple of comments on other people's posts but not really explained my situation.
I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 25. We have been together for almost 4 years, and have been saving for a house together for the past year, with the hope to have enough deposit by the end of the year.
For a few months we have been arguing a bit, I noticed he was being quite off with me, wasn't making any effort to see me or take me out etc. He also stopped offering to pay for dinner or even split the bill when we'd go out, and on Valentine's Day he went to pay for a meal on his debit card which was declined... guess who ended up paying! A month or two ago, I went to the bank to get our joint account book updated (we don't have online access). We both pay in the same amount each month. On the way to the bank, he was trying to persuade me not to get it updated, claiming that he wanted how much was in there to "be a surprise". I thought this was quite odd. We hadn't updated it since around September last year, so when the lady in the bank updated it, it was quite a few pages worth. I glanced at the final figure and was happy and didn't look at it any more than that until a few weeks later when I picked it up and realised that two of his payments were missing, and that only I had paid in for December and January. When I questioned him he didn't seem genuinely surprised, and said he would call the bank. Apparently, the bank said that he didn't have the funds in his account when our savings account tried to debit the funds, although he swears he did. So I said well you'll be able to show me this on your bank statements then. Conveniently enough, he claims he doesn't get postal bank statements and "forgot" his online banking details...
So we argued about the situation for a few weeks until two weeks ago, he decided to tell me that he's been gambling on football. I was furious with him so went home and didn't speak to him, I felt so hurt about being lied to for months about where his money was going and him arguing with me and making me feel paranoid and making out like I was crazy for even doubting him.
He told me on the Thursday and on the Saturday we went to town because I wanted him to get his bank statements, he had to order them which he did (he has yet to show me yet though). He told me he had enough money to pay for dinner that night as we were going out to an expensive restaurant with friends that evening. I made him go to the cash machine and show me his balance... £6. His mini-statement also showed that he had bet the last of his money on the Friday, even after telling me that he'd stopped for good! It was too late to cancel on our friends so I ended up paying for dinner that night, he knew he couldn't pay but still ordered one of the most expensive meals and had a few beers which I was annoyed about.
And worse, we had booked our holiday two days before he told me. He said he would book and pay for the flights which were £400 and had to pay upfront, and I booked the £650 hotel where I only needed to pay a 5% deposit. It turns out he didn't pay for the flights but put them on his Mum's credit card! Later I find out that she knew ages ago he had a gambling problem, but she was giving him her credit card to use!
In the last two weeks he's done the whole crying mess saying he's worthless and that he's going to end it all, told me he would do anything it takes to fix our relationship as he doesn't want to lose me, he even suggested showing me his bank statement once a week.
Last week he went to the doctor's as I was concerned for his mental health, all they did was give him anti-depressants, which I add, that his Mum gave him the money for the prescription! He claims he went to counselling on Saturday evening, and then refused to show me any bank statements saying he can "do it on his own". I've asked him to hand over his finances to either me or his Mum which he won't do, he won't show me his bank statements, he won't self-exclude or get any blocking software for his phone. He deleted his online accounts and apps from his iPhone and iPad but I don't believe that he's stopped. He was paid last Friday and gave me back the money for that meal but says he "can't afford" to put the £500 back into our joint account that he didn't pay in.
He says it started in November and that he's spent almost £5,000. If he hadn't have spent that much we would have had our house deposit by now, and now I can't even trust him - how am I supposed to buy a house with him now! There's no way we would even be offered a mortgage after they look at his bank statements and outgoings, and there's no way I would put a mortgage in my name without knowing he was actually going to be able to contribute.
He then told me he thinks we need space and that he needs to sort himself out before he can deal with our relationship, this may sound harsh but that sounded so selfish to me - I'm the one he's hurt with all his lies.
I feel stuck - I don't know whether to stay with him when he won't admit to himself that he has a problem and thinks he can just stop gambling on his own without any help. He called me "controlling" and "unsupportive" the other day - I promised to support him on the basis that he was honest with me and would show me his bank statements etc, which he promised he would and now won't. I know I won't ever be able to trust him again and feel like he's not even the same person anymore.
Sorry this has turned into a bit of a life story but just needed to get it off my chest! If you've got this far then thank you so much!
Will this ever get any easier!?
LJ
x
Hi Lj
I am a recovering CG.
From your post I think he is still gambling.
He will be very unlikely to stop by 'doing it on his own'. He is kidding himself if he can quit using his own willpower.
He is also being very manipulative with you. Trying to make you feel guilty. Don't accept it. Put it all back in his lap. He is the problem. He is not being honest, open and accountable.Do not trust him.
If he doesn't admit that he has a problem, then his prospects are bleak. The horror stories that you can read on this forum are all true. He can ruin his life and future, and yours too if you let him. He has to be willing to get help, AND want to stop gambling, otherwise he won't.
BTW Getting things off your chest is healthy for you. No need to apologise.
Take care
Hi LJ,
The fact that he still won't show you his statements etc leads me to think he is gambling.
Handing over financial control is something he should be happy to do if he is serious about moving forward with you and as there should be nothing to hide.
The blaming and wanting space is a defence mechanism of the CG, pushing away those closest in an attempt to hide their tracks.
The most important thing here is that you protect yourself both mentally and financially.
Good luck and keep posting
I agree with Wal and Fighter, I think he's still gambling and from what I have seen of this addiction he is kidding himself if he thinks he can kick it alone.
I've been there with all the lies and manipulations and deceptions, i felt such a fool that i thought i couldnt tell anyone, so I have great admiration for you for speaking up this soon, dont stop.
Yes it can get better, much better for you if you start looking after yourself and you want some happiness back, you can do it. I cant promise you your gambler will join you though, his recovery is up to him and he might take a while to get there yet, especially if his mother isnt really understanding that she is feeding the addiction by giving him money. Mr P used to call me controlling and unsupportive when he was gambling too, it was just to try to bully me into agreeing to his stupid demands.
You have no control over him, his mother or anyone else for that matter, but you do control you, so keep yourself safe and sane, keep talking....
Hi lj_25
I am 'new' here (was on 2 years ago and sadly back again) and i must say it seems like he is still gambling. My bf and i were in a similar position, saving for a house etc when i found out he had relapsed after 20 months gamble free a few months ago. The difference being, mine actively wants to stop and so suggested to me that i controlled his finances, he called gamcare to arrange counselling, and has told his friends about it so he has a large support network. I feel so angry for you that you bf has called you controlling and unsupportive, but i suppose this is the side of them which is dark and horrible - he is manipulating you and trying to make out its you with the probem. It isnt.
Have you called gamcare yourself, they offer brilliant support for those affected by gamblers. The people who use this forum, both recovering CGs and family and friends are so so helpful, they have given me some great advice over the last few weeks and i find it a comfort to know that however different our situations we are all together in this 🙂
I was going to give you a really long explanation into my answer here but I won't bore you.
If you want's help he will get it by going to the Dr getting counselling Antidepressants won't work.
Find a local GA near you and go with him to the first session to see what it's like for your self you don't even have to talk. But make sure he goes after.
Take over his finances.
But most important is to say to him that you will not put up with this if he can't pull himself together you can't do it for him.
Don't let his mum mollycoddle him she may think it's for the best it really isn't he needs tough love.
I know this sounds harsh but I speak from experiance x
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