Hi, me again. Well just when I thought things were starting to improve (husband attending GA and started CBT. I have started counselling myself) my husband after all his saying he knew he needed to show me how sorry he was rather than say it and how he is going to get himself well etc.....has completely gone the opposite way. I asked him to leave the house when I found out this time as I really am too angry and need to SEE improvements in his attitude and behaviour before I will be happy with continuing the relationship. he now lives at his Dad's house and sees the children very regularly, in fact he gets to do all lovely things with them on days out over the weekend while I have them for all the day to day weekly chores etc. Anyway he is now being really unreasonable attacking me because he is still paying half the mortgage (never mind it's the house the kids lived in.) Things were blowing up every time we talked so I decided to write him a letter explaining I still wanted to be in our marriage but that I had certain expectations of him that he needed ro prove to me first. I felt this way he could read in peace and it wouldn't be a row etc. He hasn't even read the letter. He is now berating me because I went to a gam anon meeting meaning he had to look after the kids and couldn't go to the GA meeting. Another evening he couldn't make it either. i understand his need for the groups but he still needs to put the kids above groups or anything else. I am so upset as it is and he is just making me 100 times worse. Why doesn't he see that he caused this so he has to fix it? That these are the consequences of his actions? That he can actually put things right instead of pushing me further away. Feeling so hopeless.
Hi Mumof3,
Well done for your post, and thanks for sharing your story here.
You have been very brave in your decision making, making it clear to him that you’re not ready to put up with his gambling attitude, and all the lies he tells you.
Much as he needs help to stop, it’s also important to make him aware that there are consequences to his gambling problem. He also must take responsibility of his actions by doing something to overcome his problematic gambling. Help is available right here at Gamcare, and all he needs to do is to reach out for it.
His problem seems to be getting worse as he’s not applying any of the strategies he agreed to put in place, and rather, did the opposite thing.
Gambling problem is like a vicious cycle; the more you gamble, the more you lose, and the more you chase your losses, and it can easily get out of control, which seems to be what he’s going through now.
Try not to give up encouraging him to contact us for the help that he needs to recover from his gambling problem.
Our lines are open every day from 8.00am to midnight, and any of you can also contact us via our free phone Helpline on:0808 8020 133, and speak to one of our advisers.
Meanwhile, put yourself and the children first, and allow him to continue to see and do stuff with the children.
It’s also important that you stick to your guns, and not allow him to take you for granted.
Stay strong, and keep posting!
Best wishes,
Beatrice
I also found that the novelty of being sorry didn't last long and resentment quickly took over and is still there. The more he can convince himself it's you, the less he needs to bother about it being him. Don't try too hard to rationalise with someone who is incapable of being rational. However, do state truth as you see it: the situation has arisen because of his addiction and you both have to deal with it as best you can.
Keep on doing what you are doing and stick with GamAnon. I hear that your parents would like to paper over the cracks but would they babysit whilst you are both in meetings? That would demonstrate real help and also demonstrate the existence of the problem - you're both at meetings because of your OH's gambling problem.
Hope things start to improve for you and keep posting.
CW
Hi Mumof3, it's brutal & I hear what you are saying because I behaved in an equally awful way. Whilst gambling, I was sneaking around being a happy little soul & generally playing a life but after starting my recovery journey, all the good disappeared as far as my partner was concerned. If I put too much salt in the spaghetti it was his fault...Much easier for me to pick faults in him than myself. I was only really playing @ recovery then though, abstaining my way like I was Jonny bananas & now I'm further down the line & way more accepting of the outside help, I'm working on a better me...I had no choice.
Stick to your guns, put you & the children 1st & he gets anything you have left because this recovery is just as much about you & what you have been through as it is him. There is hope but it's not going to be easy & it is going to require the tough love from you because that's his best shot @ not getting away with it anymore. Once we stop running, we can start to heal. You can't control him, only your reaction to his behaviour & it's vital that you do everything you can to get the right support for you to help you through this heartache one way or another. You may feel hopeless but don't give up...There is a better life for you & you will figure it out - ODAAT
Thanks for the replies, very helpful as usual and great to get different perspectives. He is def passing all the blame onto me and generally not being an adult. An example of this is that he tool kids to beach yday so I asked him today not to go too far in car as I had topped up petrol and needed it to last. I explained that I need to watch my spending very carefully because of what he has done. We live somewhere where there are loads of things to do with the kids on our doorstep so I wasn't asking for much. But he got very defensive saying he would take them where he wanted and the place he suggested is a 2 hour round trip....instead of awknowledging my concerns about the petrol and needing it to last (I use car for work) he decided to then have a go at me because I had bought some new summer clothes. He actually does not see things clearly at all. he still maintains it is my fault he is out of the house as I am the one who asked him to leave. Despite the fact that after the last time I found out I told him in no uncertain terms that if he gambled again he would be out. I think possibly he didn't think I meant what I said.
I am just not sure how much longer I can wait for him to see it....I know there is no answer for this and everyone is different. He has been attending GA for about 3 weeks and going 5 out of 7 evenings. Our marriage wasn't rosy before gambling and he tries to focus on that to make it my fault rather than admitting that the gambling is what has completely broken us. Hoping he will read the letter tonight, we will see.
I spent some time with my mum the other day and she was doing the whiole pretend thing, chit chatting and avoiding the issue. So I told her some of how it really is. Her only concern it seems is that she cannot take the children to mass now because a Sunday is my husband's day with them. It is exasperating. I felt like I made some progress with her but since then she hasn't asked how I am. It might be a possibility to ask her to babysit while the gam anon group is on but the day it is on I work 2-7 so my parents already have the kids for that length of time and they are hard enough work (esp at the minute) so I find it hard to ask them to babysit even more than they already do. Really feel like I could do with the gam anon being everyday the same as GA, even once a week would be great but twice a month is nothing for me right now.
Is there a phone list or any other means of contact between meetings? Or could you get to another group - not so easy because they're spread thin. Or use the on line meetings on Sunday? Or try Al-Anon or CODA if their meetings are more convenient?
re petrol, it's up to him where he takes the kids but you don't need to pay for his petrol. Maybe fill up after he's seen them next time.
I find that the moods still go up and down. Unsettling.
Take care of you.
CW
Mumof3... I totally understand where you are coming from. I am 23 years old and i think I have heard the word 'sorry' more times in the last year than I have in the other 22! It means nothing to me anymore. Its the same with promises, a promise means nothing as they get broken literally five mins later... I agree with you that they need to show it and not say it, anyone can say something but showing it means they really believe it!
Hi cynical wife,
There isn't another one near me unfortunately. Will ask next time about contact between meetings. We share the car and at the minute I have all access to our joint money, just giving him weekly money for bits and pieces.
Fhan679 - if we accept 'sorry' all the time then nothing will change, the CG knows that it will be accepted and will keep saying it, breaking it, the vicious cycle will continue. Take everything with a pinch of salt - make them aware that you don't want to hear sorry, you want to be shown and be prepared to wait.....a long time.
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