There are a lot of negative comments on this forum (rightly so, gambling is a bad monster for all those concerned), so I wanted to give everybody a different take on this topic.
My current partner of 4 years is showing for the first time the signs of a true recovery, after 10 years of gambling. It's been a very tough ride for everybody and the addiction has taken us all to places we don't want to ever go again. He's been gamble-free since July 2016, and although it's not a very long time compared to the 10 years he's been gambling, it's the personality, attitude and lifestyle changes that have gone hand in hand with his recovery that make me think that maybe there is hope.
I am not going to go into detail about our life when he was gambling- one common feature of the stories I read here is that no matter where we are from, who we are and what we do in life, us partners have all gone through the same string of lies, manipulation, bad moods, irritability, therapy, counselling, I will try harder, this is my last bet, the endless rock bottoms that keep repeating themselves.
I think what started it all for us was that it was me to eventually reach my own personal rock bottom. It was a Sunday in July 2016, I was playing upstairs with our daughter and she came running towards me waving a piece of paper she has found in her daddy's drawer. It was a letter from the bank saying that he had missed a repayment of his loan. I didn't need to hear anything else. I had heard it too many times before. I confronted him, and he obviously left. Like he had done hundreds of other times before. But this time I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to live like a recluse anymore. I love my life, and I wanted to enjoy it. So, instead of ringing him like I usually did, begging him to come back home, I didn't pick up the phone. Not a text. I was done. I had tried it all, and one day I could look at my daughter in the eyes and tell her I had tried it all with daddy, but it didn't work out between us. Needless to say, the next day he was back. I didn't know what to say. I eventually said that he could stay if he wanted, but at my conditions. I needed to see all his bank statements, he needed to start being honest with me, he needed to really change. I don't know what went through in his head, but something slowly started to click. I think a lot to do with this is that he genuinely cares about me and our little one. So he didn't want to lose us.
And so his slow and painful recovery started. And my recovery too. I don't think I am totally cured yet! Things that worked for him were showing me the physical bank statements detailing his gambling past, self excluding from bookies and casinos (I know this one seems useless to us partners, at the end of the day if they want to gamble they will get into the bookies anyway. But for them it is important to know in their head that they are not allowed in). He also read some good recovery diaries on this forum (Jim and his wife Jacqui are our favourites) and a book he enjoyed was "overcoming compulsive gambling" by Philip Mawer.
Apart from this, all the hard work he has done has been on himself. He's gone through a complete personality change, and brought back the man he used to be pre-gambling, of which I only ever saw a brief glimpse the few times when he was in a good mood. It has not been easy for neither of us. At the beginning he was completely lost as to what to do, he was insecure and quite depressed. He needed to rebuild himself from scratch. The only thing he was certain of was that he gambling had destroyed him, he didn't want to do it anymore. Surely but steadily his willpower took over, and the longer he stayed gamble free, the more confident he became. He rediscovered his old self, he started being interested in our family life, he started seeing friends regularly, he began to enjoy work. Suddenly he was interested in all those things that before were never enough. He was living life like a normal person.
I cannot be certain that this will last forever, but surely he's the happiest I have ever seen him. One of the first things that striked me when he started to get better was the way in which he laughed. It became a true, deep and intense laugh, as if he's really enjoying himself. I don't think I had ever seen him having real fun before. There was always that constant look of worry, the cold sweats, the physical symptoms of the addiction (he used to get constant indigestion and headaches).
Needless to say, my trust in him was shattered, and although it's miles better now, I don't think we are quite there yet. So from time to time I ask if I can check his online banking. Just to put my mind at ease. He's always happy to show me, as he clearly has nothing to hide. Over the years I obviously wanted to trust him, so many times before I have given him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he's really stuck in traffic. Maybe he's really in a bad mood because of work. Don't fool yourselves ! If they are really quitting, there shouldn't be any suspect behaviours.
A few things to look out for when they promise they are quitting
-when you argue with them they will say awful things and push you away. Don't leave them! They are only doing this because they are escaping reality. You need to stay by their side to remind them of the pain they are causing. Gamblers cannot do it on their own
-beware of any suspect behaviours. If things don't add up, something fishy is going off. if a trip to the gym takes 4 hours and they are very vague about their whereabouts and get irritated easily, they have probably been to the bookies
- lack of continuity- when they are happy and present for 1 or 2 days and fall back into a black hole and are completely distant and "sit next to you but their head is not really there" they are having a relapse
-honesty: if they don't have anything to hide they should be able to show you their bank statements whenever
I know all the above it's not easy and I've been trying for years and many times got slapped in the face. At the end of the day, gamblers are the only ones who can decide to stop. You need be there to support them, but the change needs to come from them.
I hope this post brings some hope to some of you. It is extremely hard but it's possible to stat gamble free if all the right circumstances are in place.
Best of luck
Ellie
Ellie I loved this!
I though that I would check in on here as my boyfriend seems to have turned a corner or trying more than he ever has and I felt a little positive and happier but come on here and feel so worried again so was nice to read. I do also worry for how long will I fee like this but like you I know me and our daughter and son on the way are so very important to him, I know he loves us but it's an illness. We can only support as long as it's healthy for us.
Thank you xx
This post gave me hope. Sometimes I come on here and I see no future. Started reading the book and it's helping me, then need to get my husband to read it.
Which book hard try x
Thank you for talking the time to share with us , I'm sure it will give hope to others that you can survive this horrible addiction
You're right there is a lot of negativity on here which as you said is understandable but hidden away in the bad stuff there is some good and your post highlights what can be done with the right support and commitment.
As a compulsive gambler who has not had a bet for 18 months I Don't miss the manipulative person I was I think the majority of compulsive gamblers have that trait but I think they comes a point when enough is enough and we trade that person in for the guy you have at the moment.
All credit for you for sticking round and working at it , I wasn't that fortunate. You seem to have your head screwed on to be vigilant and look out for the signs and not to become complacent.
I wish you both well as you continue to enjoy the fruits of life that a gamble free life can give.
KTF
Loved reading your post, yes it's a hard road for everyone when a loved one is a cg. It's good for people to read it can be done. I'm happy it's all turning around for you and your family.
Hi Ellie (Gettingnervous)
Since I found out that my boyfriend of 5 years was a additive and compulsive gambler and how bad it was, I have been scouring the internet trying to understand the condition and what to do, if anything. This forum was one of the first places I stopped at and read the postings and you are absolutely right, I left the forum having a panic attack. There was so much anger and hurt screaming at me through the postings on here (quite rightly so!) but I found it difficult to find any light or hope on this forum and perhaps that was what I was looking for at the time.
That was shortly after I found out about his CG, that was 3 years ago. I made the decision at the time to stay and support him through this providing he was actively seeking and aiding his own recovery. Since then, he had 2 rounds of counselling, therapy and mentoring but no change, in fact half way through he would leave the session and walk straight into the bookies. We even agreed that I would handle his finances for a while to ease some of the pressure of the debts and help him catch up. He found that incredibly difficult and within a few months, he ended our relationship and took his cards back. We got back together again, but we very quickly returned to normal, him gambling, me waiting for change. Finally, I contacted another organisation which looked as though for the first time we were going to have a breakthrough, he voluntarily gave me his bank cards and pin number to hold onto for his accounts to help him get back on track, again, it only lasted a few months. He relapsed again and found ways to access his account without the cards.
The mood swings, not communicating and all centred around when his cards would be returned to him. Once I found out that he had relapsed and all that hard work over the last few months, we have to start again. But we were back to waiting for him to want to start again. He started to make you feel as though, I was the problem and it was my needs including wanting to move the relationship to the next level that was the problem and was bigger issue than his gambling. Anyway, a week ago, he ended the relationship again, he said he wasn't being fair to me, he doesn't want to be married as we had been discussing since we got together, saying he didn't love me anymore and can he have his cards back!
The difference is unlike you Ellie, I'm not sure if he cared enough about me or the relationship for that to have been a motivation enough to give up gambling. I loved to read the posts where because they didn't want to loose your love and support, the were willing to make the step to push through the pain and confusion to try and keep trying, with your support. Sadly, I don't know where to go from here and while others would say, I have had a lucky escape and I should just run and keep running and don't look back, I may no longer be apart of his journey, nor he mine but for some reason I came back on this forum today and that's when I read your post, which made me smile for you but although I am devasted, hurt and feeling beaten up and bruised, I don't feel anger.
I wish continued blessings and happines for all of you that stayed the distance but throughout all of their madness they gave a glimmer of hope and a reason to stay and you drew strength from that.
Blessings and love to you all.
Thanks for taking the time to share with us your pain and heartache, sounds as if you have gone through a lot.
Your post details what a lot of us have had to put up with. When I was getting desperate I always reminded myself of the 3 C: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You are right that they blame us for everything when they see no escape route. That has a knockdown effect on our confidence and well being.
It sounds as if you've done all you could to help him. He has proved that no matter what barriers you put in place (ie, controlling finances etc) nothing can stop a CG. The change needs to come from them. My bloke has broken up with me dozens of times during the years. They don't really mean it. Their head is not in the right place and they push us away as they think it's going to make their lives easier. Your ex partner is in a bad place at the moment. My guess is that he'll be knocking on your door again at some point. They cannot do it on their own. It's up to you if you want to take him back, depends how much you believe in the relationship. My biggest factor in not leaving him was our daughter. No mater how our relationship would have ended, he will always be her dad, and I felt responsible for making sure he became gamble free.
In all honesty if it wasn't for our little one, I would have done a runner years ago. Only you know what's best for you and your future. I wish you the best of luck.
Ellie
I am very pleased to read that your boyfriend is trying harder than ever. It shows that he really cares. From my experience he might need a few more tries (even when they really mean to stop there are always obstacles, otherwise it wouldn't be an addiction) but he sounds on the right track!!
Oldhamktf wrote:
Thank you for talking the time to share with us , I'm sure it will give hope to others that you can survive this horrible addiction
You're right there is a lot of negativity on here which as you said is understandable but hidden away in the bad stuff there is some good and your post highlights what can be done with the right support and commitment.
As a compulsive gambler who has not had a bet for 18 months I Don't miss the manipulative person I was I think the majority of compulsive gamblers have that trait but I think they comes a point when enough is enough and we trade that person in for the guy you have at the moment.
All credit for you for sticking round and working at it , I wasn't that fortunate. You seem to have your head screwed on to be vigilant and look out for the signs and not to become complacent.
I wish you both well as you continue to enjoy the fruits of life that a gamble free life can give.
KTF
Well done for reaching 18 months of being gamble free it is very impressive!!!!!!
Hi, I only found out three weeks ago my boyfriend is a compulsive gambler. I was devastated, wanting to understand more I stumbled across this forum, my upset and worry has turned me into a petrified mess after reading the forum. we are very early days but I am so glad I have seen possitive post of families moving forward. I refuse to leave the kind, caring man who is not selfish, manipulative in anyway. I will stand by him and we will get through this and seeing possitive stories truly makes me believe this is possible.
Ellie- it is good to hear from people sticking around their gambling partners and seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I am a mum of a 27 yr old gambler. He started 10 yrs ago, first found out when saw bank statement with betting on them and payday loans. Bailed him out (Yes I know now the worst thing to do!) A couple of years later found out he had stolen money we had asked him to keep for us in an ISA. He then moved and I kept a check on his bank and seemed ok (6months gamble free he said). didn't realise things had escalated until a month ago when he said had been sacked- stealing from employer over 18 months!! My husband couldn't believe it as we are so honest and hard working, told my son he never wants to see him again. Think this has really scared my son this time as he could have gone to prison for this but the company actually like him and he has worked hard, have said he can pay back money and needs help. The crunch this time I think is that he has a gf he loves. He has told her everything and she has taken control of all money, he is going to GA weekly and not had urge to gamble this past month. He has blocked everything on his phone/laptop etc. My husband is making me more anxious as he just keeps saying he will just set up new account and steal when gets job. He has applied for loads of jobs and has promise of one next week hopefully, but I have had no contact with my son since, over this month. His gf is keeping me up to date by email and seems confident. So many worries, so stressed, how does everyone cope with it without going mad???!!
Thank you for posting and giving me a glimmer of hope Ellie x
Hi Ellie, thank you for sharing. I hope that things continue to get better for both of you. I am new to this but the part where you describe 'A few things to look out for when they promise they are quitting​' really hit home x
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
